Living in my own hell

After looking around the different topics, I realized how many I could actually post in... and honestly struggled to figure out which one to make my first post in. Depression has stuck with me for so long that I feel like it is a part of me... so I guess this is appropriate.

I am depressed- every day. All day. I feel I cannot be happy. I laugh and find enjoyment in movies, but I havent felt true happiness in a long time. Today has been a particularly difficult day, due to what I assume is the low I have been stuck in lately. I hate being this way, especially around my girlfriend... especially since she is a naturally happy person. Its like I drag her down constantly. I have been self medicating for quite some time with alcohol, and it is one of the few things that kind of helps. I am on antidepressants, but they really dont do much, so I dropped down the dose just to help me focus.

I have tried therapy and honestly it was useless, to me anyway. I was basically paying for someone to tell me something I already knew. I live with suicidal thoughts daily, and fight away impulses to self harm. It is so hard to go out into the world and have a "normal" life, where people constantly are telling you to smile or "fake it till you make it". Some days you just want to shut it all off.

There isnt a night where I dont have nightmares, and a night without them feels... wrong. I feel like I havent slept in years, and am always tired. There is is much that has happened in my past that it even raised an eye brow to the therapist that I was seeing. Depression, PTSD, BPD... basically can sum up what is going on in my screwed up mind.

I really dont know what I am expecting from posting here, but maybe venting a little to people who can relate and feel a little less alone would be worth it. I guess I just want someone to tell me the magic answer that I know doesnt exist, and for all this to go away so I can focus and be "me" for once. Gets so frustrating.

My depression (hell) started when my dad passed away,I've always considered myself to be strong willed but I see now I'm not,I have a loving husband who up til a few months ago didn't understand what I'm going thru,now I'm back on the chase for a med that helps my most recent was prozac 40mg and my pcp switched me to 20mg lexapro don't think I like it much me like you I can't find satisfaction in the little things I fake smiles and pretend a lot I'd rather sit on my but all day and do nothing and absolutely no motivation to do anything no matter how hard I try... I know I didn't answer any questions but please know you are not alone!

Have you seen a psychiatrist or a psychologist? I would look for a good psychiatrist. Medication and therapy are usually the best mixes to go with.

However, I know it is frustrating to keep seeing doctors and seeing no results. I would wear out your list of doctors. Check your city, check your hospitals, check your psychiatric places, check other nearby cities, and even check online. There will be *someone* who clicks with you and will be more helpful. There is always someone. And you probably know this, don't allow them to just pill you up and be on your way. That is a poor doctor and I would drop them immediately if that's what they do.

If you cannot do that, at least try to replace the alcohol with another , healthier, thing. You probably know that too, but I thought I'd say it anyway. Drink orange juice instead or something. I'm not too versed on the topic of alcohol, sorry, so my advice is limited in that area.

But, I do hope you do feel a bit better after venting a little bit!

Hi IllBeOkay, I'm sorry I haven't seen your post before now, welcome to PC.

I'm sorry life feels so hopeless for you, I feel for you very much.

Like you, meds and talking treatments have been of limited long term benefit.
However I have learned a few skills along the way to survive some of the intensity, not that it is much consolation.

I have had times when I did better and had a quality of life.

I hope you find support here. Maybe a psychiatrist or someone can find something to help, even if only partial. To my mind something can be better than nothing.
I have also come across research into more effective ways to help with trauma. They aren't ready for general use yet, but the work is being done in different countries.

I hope you can find some peace.