[Altarian]

I'm just getting stuff on "paper" and not really looking for answers. but if anyone has any constructive ideas i'll try not to push them away, but as you will learn by reading i may just push them away.

First off if for some reason someone noticed i vanished for a few weeks it's because i had a bad reaction to two different antibiotics and got very weak/sick.

for the last year i've been having many up and downs with my emotions and depression. I was able to keep it under control and hidden from the general public. But all of a sudden a couple months ago everything just felt wrong.

No matter what my kids or wife does i get annoyed to point of rage. Even worse is my wife is going through her own lows and i do care but don't give a damn because in my mind it's not as important as my issues. My oldest is on brink of a nervous break down at age 7 because she see's my wife and me going through issues but doesn't know how to help since we refuse to put this on her shoulders.

I love my job but hate that i work with people who are young enough to be my children. People who only care about smoking pot, getting drunk, and firing their handguns off. So while their talking about this crap i'm on other end of the area working by myself.

i end up calling into work because "one of my kids are sick" and tell my wife/family that asks why i stayed home that i having one of my "suicide" headaches but reality i just go back to bed and sleep all day because i rather do that than deal with everyone and thing. I say my kids are sick because it more acceptable where i live than saying i'm having a mental health issue and need to take a mental health day. This has caused financial stress.

I'm not wanting to hurt myself or anyone else, so people can rule that out as well as suicide. BUT i have wished that i go to sleep and not wake up or get into an accident that prevents me from having to work. Also going to a therapist is not an option since there is a 6 month waiting list for the ones i can afford where i live. I don't know what is going on with me right now. I just hate life right now.

[passionfruit3]

Well what do you got to lose With a six month waiting list you say your not going to kill yourself in have a feeling you'll try and fail before six months but if you can avoid it getting into a mental hospital might help speed up the process

[ChildlikeEmpress]

I don't have any good advice, just wanted to say I am sorry that things are so hard. You do sound very depressed. Maybe it would be worth getting on the waiting list for therapy because you might feel just as bad or worse in 6 months?

[Fizzyo]