[INFPCDN]

Hey guys, first off, I really don't want this post to sound like whining. I am just so sick of feeling alone in this and I know that connecting with others is a way out. If you're not feeling up to reading my 'blues' please feel free to close this, I won't be offended.
But if you might find some solace in hearing how someone else is dealing with life's BS, read on!

I'm new to the forums but not new to depression, I guess I have had some kind of depression on and off for most of my life.
As a child I suffered physical, sexual and emotional abuse and was trained to be an emotional eater by my mother who enabled me to access junk foods and habitually ate for comfort too, as a way to cope with her abusive live-in boyfriends.
As a result, I am a full-on comfort eater, and my body has never been 'small' I have always been bigger than classmates and co-workers, friends and partners. I know I have some body dysphoria due to my mom being so critical of my appearance (don't you love that? the classic dilemma 'I love you so here's a pie but why are you so fat?') and her BF's habit of attacking me verbally about my weight; name-calling and shaming me for how I looked. To this day (I'm now in my late 30's) I still struggle with my weight management but most of all my personal image. I go through days where I literally avoid mirrors, I feel hatred toward myself and even verbally abuse myself for how I look.
I've recently been re-diagnosed with another bout of depression following some rough months. I ended an emotionally abusive relationship, had a breakdown at work and was taken out of work by my doctor (going on a year now) lost my home of 3 years, my mother was diagnosed with cancer and then my mother's death. This all took place in 2016. You're saying "no wonder you're depressed!" Right! Yet I still beat myself up for feeling anything negative.

I have gained about 30 lbs. I look in the mirror and see the weight as evidence of how bad my life has been lately. I don't know why I attack myself for it, I guess part of me thinks I should be able to prevent it. I've been ill, and not active, and my diet has been so high in sugar. All coping mechanisms that have lead me here.

Now, I should share that I just started seeing a physiologist. I haven't been to one before, I've seen counselors but this is a different experience. She seems to 'get it' on a different level than my counselor does. I am hopeful she can help me snap out of this for good.

I've also been tapering off Wellbutrin in the last year and just stopped about 3 weeks ago. I have been taking 300mg XL daily for about 4 years.
In the beginning I did notice weight loss, about 15-20 lbs dropped right off, but over the years it stopped coming off and I think maybe even started adding on. I noticed in past when I tried quitting Wellbutrin, that within a couple weeks of stopping I gain 15 lbs. That's what's happened again this time. Anyone else had this happen? It makes me desperate to just start taking it again hoping it will magically fix it and I am scared that this is some weird magical invincible post-med weight gain that won't come off with conventional dieting.. Is that crazy?

Anyway... I feel kind of stuck. I have not a great outlook on this most of the time, I am trying little by little but the outlook is minimal. I really just would love to go back to last year when I was losing weight and working, busy, liking myself and happy. I want to snap out of this funk and stop hating myself!

[INFPCDN]

That's supposed to read "Psychologist" I don't know why it says physiologist.

[INFPCDN]

Psychologist.
Not 'physiologist.'

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, INFPCDN.

Originally Posted by INFPCDN

As a child I suffered...

...I still beat myself up for feeling anything negative.

Your depression has deep roots that go far beyond recent events.

To clarify, was it a primary care doctor or a specialist/psychiatrist who started you on the Wellbutrin? Did you taper off it at the direction of the same or another doctor?

Feel free to ignore the questions. Please make yourself at home.

I'm sorry you have had to deal with all of these terrible things, both the recent and during your youth.
Since my teenage years, I gain weight when I am depressed and then slowly lose the weight, get healthier, when not depressed. It is hard to lose weight when you are depressed. And it sure does sound like your weight problems have a psychological component so I think that if you can continue to go to a psychologist plus go to therapy, it will help with your physical health as well. There is certainly a mind/body connection. In addition to my mental issues (MI) causing me weight problems, it can make my blood pressure go up. Funny how therapy, not blood pressure medicine, helped me bring my blood pressure back to normal.
I have also been prescribed Welbutrin and notice it helps with both the "blues" and helps me lose weight. I was once prescribed 300 mg daily and found that dosage gave me anxiety (only took that much for four days) but have taken either 200 mg daily or 150 mg daily for the past 4 years. I currently take 150 mg daily. Maybe consider taking this medication again? It sounds like it has helped you too.
That all being said, all the recent events have thrown you for a loop so it is probably going to take time to get unstuck. I know it is hard, but try not to hate yourself--you sound amazingly stable given all that you have gone through. Take it one day at a time, try to eat a lot of vegtables and walk daily. Remember, when these things happen, it takes time to heal. Plus keep posting. I am also trying to lose weight but it is so hard during the month of December. So we also have that to contend with as well.