Feel like I've hit a dead end and don't know what to do

Hello everyone. New here, 41 years old. I apologize in advance for the length (and typos. On mobile), but it's relevant.

I feel like there's no way out at this point. I have an appointment with my family doctor on Thursday, and I already know how it's going to go. She's going to look at me like I'm after drugs and will prescribe the lowest dose of some generic ssri that I haven't tried yet. I already feel that whatever she prescribes isn't going to work, and I'm too embarrassed to tell her that I'm afraid I don't have the 8 weeks for it to kick in to see if it will work.

The reason I've asked for an appointment is because she wouldn't give me a referral to a mental health doctor without seeing me, and we've been down this road many times. I've tried telling her the things that have happened in the last several years, and it honestly does sound like a made up story.

12 years ago, I was a victim of a stalker ex situation, and an incident turned into a life or death situation when he was ultimately shot and killed 2 feet from me. I saw a psychologist for a while, and had several sessions of emdr along with klonopin to help me sleep and exist without panicking over simple things, such as someone who resembled my ex out in public making eye contact with me, the ability to close my eyes so I could shower or wash my face, etc. After a year of the mess and emdr, I felt I was better so I stopped both, as well as stopped seeing the psychologist. I now know that was a mistake.

I've tried several different antidepressants over the years...Prozac, Zoloft, Effexor, Paxil, Wellbutrin, and nothing has helped. I decided to try 5htp on my own in hopes for immediate results, but I'm up to 600mg a day, and after a year, it looks like that doesn't work either.

I've had 4 close family members commit suicide, all on my mom's side. She attempted a few years ago, but my dad caught her in time. This is what worries me. I've always wondered how any of them could do this, when they had family that loved them dearly. However, even though I know I would never want to die at my own hands, I've had (and this is hard to explain) thoughts of myself doing it against my own will. Like, I feel like I have to go do something else and get away so that I don't do it. I've wondered if this is what happened to my aunt and my cousins. This is terrifying to me, and I don't know how to tell someone who gives antibiotics for runny noses how serious this is. The past three months have been especially worse.

I don't know what to ask for from her. I feel like I'm at the mercy of whatever she decides to try next, but I'm afraid that time is of the essence here. They originally tried to schedule me for two weeks from now, so that can tell you how much they just don't get it.

Are there any powerful medications that will have a fast effect that I should ask for? I won't take any benzos...I did that when the PTSD was in full swing and although they helped the panic attacks, I feel like they made the depression worse.

First all welcome to psych central.

It's true that sometimes docs just don't get it. I Would tell her all the things that you have just said. Maybe even print it out so you have something in hand in case you freeze up in the docs office.

If you can't hang on until you see the doc, call a crisis line or go to the emergency room.

Keep us posted I hope you get help soon

Hello Momto3plus7: Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

Obviously I don't know anything about your situation really. So it's difficult to know what to suggest. I take it you are required to get a referral from your GP in order to see a psychiatrist. That is unfortunate... although I must say... I see a psychiatrist & he's not of much more help than it sounds as though your GP has been. So being treated by a psychiatrist isn't always a solution either.

I've been on a number of different SSRI's over the years, including some of the ones you mentioned. The only one I felt did any good at all was Cymbalta. But everyone's experience is so different. It's almost impossible to say what med, if any, would be of benefit to you. I'm not personally aware of any fast-acting, powerful med's one can take for mental health issues. As far as I'm aware, the fast acting, powerful alternative is ECT.

In my case, if I were feeling in desperate need of mental health services, what I would do is to call my health insurer. They have people on staff whose job it is to intercede for members who are in need of services. But I think I'm fortunate to have what I at least consider to be about as good a health insurer as it's probably possible to have. If you are covered by some type of health insurance plan, you might try contacting them to see if they can, or will, be of any help with getting you the services you need.

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