[Onward2wards]

Please understand this is incredibly hard to fully describe.

I'm feeling pretty excited right now, because earlier today I sort of "caught depression in the act"! It was liking becoming extremely aware of my own mental state for a moment, and noticing subtle things I normally miss.

I noticed a bit of social anxiety related thinking, a bit of low self-esteem type feelings, and most notably of all, an absurd amount of pessimistic thinking. I recall just for a fleeting second thinking and feeling quite positively, then within a fraction of a second a sort of "yeah, like THAT's gonna happen, idiot!" thought and feeling, then a return to feeling bored and depressed (well, no surprise there!)

It's like I'm sort of emotionally "dying of pessimism and low self worth", and the freaky thing is, I can be aware of the process! I do NOT have to keep thinking this way. Clearly, my mind IS capable of non-depressed, non-anxious, ambitious and motivated type thinking. It's actually doing this all the time, until there's this chronic and very negative, self-downing knee-jerk "counter-thought" that pulls the wind from my sails.

I get the vague impression that I "lost at something big one time too many", some time WAY in my past, and I've been mostly gloom-doom-and-worry ever since.

I had to post this, because this was one of those "shock to the system", "holy cow is THAT what's happening!?" moments. It's like, rather than becoming more of a pessimist, I have become less of an optimist, if that makes any sense. I feel that there is a subtle but important difference. I just ... don't expect to "win" at anything.

[Sesiley]

Originally Posted by Onward2wards

Please understand this is incredibly hard to fully describe.

I'm feeling pretty excited right now, because earlier today I sort of "caught depression in the act"! It was liking becoming extremely aware of my own mental state for a moment, and noticing subtle things I normally miss.

I noticed a bit of social anxiety related thinking, a bit of low self-esteem type feelings, and most notably of all, an absurd amount of pessimistic thinking. I recall just for a fleeting second thinking and feeling quite positively, then within a fraction of a second a sort of "yeah, like THAT's gonna happen, idiot!" thought and feeling, then a return to feeling bored and depressed (well, no surprise there!)

It's like I'm sort of emotionally "dying of pessimism and low self worth", and the freaky thing is, I can be aware of the process! I do NOT have to keep thinking this way. Clearly, my mind IS capable of non-depressed, non-anxious, ambitious and motivated type thinking. It's actually doing this all the time, until there's this chronic and very negative, self-downing knee-jerk "counter-thought" that pulls the wind from my sails.

I get the vague impression that I "lost at something big one time too many", some time WAY in my past, and I've been mostly gloom-doom-and-worry ever since.

I had to post this, because this was one of those "shock to the system", "holy cow is THAT what's happening!?" moments. It's like, rather than becoming more of a pessimist, I have become less of an optimist, if that makes any sense. I feel that there is a subtle but important difference. I just ... don't expect to "win" at anything.

This is how I got off of my medications. Controlling my mental state. I have to catch my thinking process in the act of becoming depressed...

I was always looking for answers with medication and not using my thoughts...thoughts are a huge trigger

[Fizzyo]

Originally Posted by Onward2wards

Please understand this is incredibly hard to fully describe.

I'm feeling pretty excited right now, because earlier today I sort of "caught depression in the act"! It was liking becoming extremely aware of my own mental state for a moment, and noticing subtle things I normally miss.

I noticed a bit of social anxiety related thinking, a bit of low self-esteem type feelings, and most notably of all, an absurd amount of pessimistic thinking. I recall just for a fleeting second thinking and feeling quite positively, then within a fraction of a second a sort of "yeah, like THAT's gonna happen, idiot!" thought and feeling, then a return to feeling bored and depressed (well, no surprise there!)

It's like I'm sort of emotionally "dying of pessimism and low self worth", and the freaky thing is, I can be aware of the process! I do NOT have to keep thinking this way. Clearly, my mind IS capable of non-depressed, non-anxious, ambitious and motivated type thinking. It's actually doing this all the time, until there's this chronic and very negative, self-downing knee-jerk "counter-thought" that pulls the wind from my sails.

I get the vague impression that I "lost at something big one time too many", some time WAY in my past, and I've been mostly gloom-doom-and-worry ever since.

I had to post this, because this was one of those "shock to the system", "holy cow is THAT what's happening!?" moments. It's like, rather than becoming more of a pessimist, I have become less of an optimist, if that makes any sense. I feel that there is a subtle but important difference. I just ... don't expect to "win" at anything.

This is very like what they try to teach in CBT.

It's brilliant you now have this awareness. You may slip back occasionally, but you now have a very powerful tool to improve your wellbeing.