I'm sick, in physical pain, emotionally hurt, angry, depressed and wanting to die so badly but I fail. Now I'm pushing everyone away. For their sake and for mine. I can see it ending baldy but I have no breaks left to stop it. I can't trust anyone. Writing this post is so hard. I don't know what direction to take and they alll lead to a landfill of doo-doo

The doctors tortured me on Friday and my husband called the police on me again Saturday "for my own good" where I was mentally harassed for hours by ignorant nursing staff.

I'm so lonely because nobody has the capacity to understand and instead wants to threaten the depression out of me.

I have no idea what I'm trying to accomplish from this post. Some understanding perhaps? Probably. Or Just to get my feelings out since I can't safetly share them with family or friends? To be heard is another reason I imagine. I really want to be understood but that seems an impossible feet. This pain is so deep, alive and all encompassing. I have a book on Audibles called "reasons to stay alive". I've been saving it for times like this but it's only making things worse. I don't know why he titled the book that way, should have been "Reasons to Die". I think my expectations were too high. I relate to much of the book....feeling alien, feeling there is no way anyone could have went through the inner torment I am and lived to tell the tale. But as the book explains, we all feel this way when depressed. Or at least, many do.

I'm not planning anything but I see no hope regarding moving forward or being an acceptable member of society anymore. Hope is lost and now I must just wait for the end to come. In horrible, excruciating pain. I can't reach out to anyone so I'm starting here. I see my therapist in a few weeks and will try again then but my hope is so small it's exsistence is questionable.

[MommaD]

I'm so sorry you are in such pain. Depression is a thief robbing us of joy, memories, connection with others, self esteem and most of all, hope.
Elsamars, I don't know you, but I know you're hurting. Been there.
It just so happens that I've got a little extra hope today so if you need to borrow a cup to get by, I've got some you can have.
Sending you thoughts of comfort and healing

I just noticed this. This explains why you have been posting much less. I have always found you to be one of the most inspiring writers/posters on PC. If there is some way to control your pain so you could do it more comfortably when you are more energetic, I would love to see you write a book or something. I use some of your words all of the time to describe some of the emotions and feelings as I started thinking about what is going on with me and why I attempted.
It hurts me (obviously, I am being figurative--this is your pain we are talking about) that you are down and being abused in so many ways because you are one of the kindest people I have ever met online. Even when you disagree you are kind. And boy am I against people being committed to inpatient mental health against their will--did they deem you unstable in a way that took your rights away? I know only a little about pain, I injured my ribs and the muscles around them in a traumatic way. I noticed that depression, lack of sleep and/ or being sick seems to make chronic pain increase tenfold. I remember you saying during the holidays that you have been sick. I just have average insightfulness (ability to help) but always enjoy talking to you. You can message me anytime. I will pray for you. I recently was feeling down and I found that reaching out to God was helpful for me so I am praying more.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry you feel this bad.. You don't deserve any of this treatment.. it's horrible

[Fuzzybear]

[*Laurie*]

I'm so sorry that your depression has you in its clutches right now, EM. You mentioned that you have an appointment with your therapist in a few weeks. That seems like a long time to wait. Is it possible for you to call your therapist's office and explain that you are very much in need of a sooner appointment?

Thank you to everyone who posted a reply or a hug.

I don't feel kind right now. It's safe to say it m not in a kind state of mind. I'm angry and hurt and being tortured by people claiming they are helping me. I've lost everything. I'm offered no dignity. Just misery and the expectation that to live is to suffer and just get over it. That is how I know that people don't understand. It's like I'm a fish, talking to a bird.....we don't speak the same language and when I try to ask for help they attempt to eat me so I hide back in the water, still suffering, still hurting.

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

I'm so sorry that your depression has you in its clutches right now, EM. You mentioned that you have an appointment with your therapist in a few weeks. That seems like a long time to wait. Is it possible for you to call your therapist's office and explain that you are very much in need of a sooner appointment?

I don't know what to do. The therapist is part of the institution which continues to torture me. When I asked for heating pads because I was in immense pain he snidely told me to wait my turn. Meanwhile chatting away with staff. I waiting 40 minutes, asked again and they snidleybtold me to wait (you'd think those heating packs were made of gold). I screamed out in pain and he came in and said "looks like you want to be treated like a criminal and I'd be happy to do that". I said "are you threatening me". He replied I guess I am but it's not a thread since I have the RIGHT to treat you like a criminal". How can people who think like this help me? How can I trust them?

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I don't know what to do. The therapist is part of the institution which continues to torture me. When I asked for heating pads because I was in immense pain he snidely told me to wait my turn. Meanwhile chatting away with staff. I waiting 40 minutes, asked again and they snidleybtold me to wait (you'd think those heating packs were made of gold). I screamed out in pain and he came in and said "looks like you want to be treated like a criminal and I'd be happy to do that". I said "are you threatening me". He replied I guess I am but it's not a thread since I have the RIGHT to treat you like a criminal". How can people who think like this help me? How can I trust them?

Wow . I'm so sorry . I posted in another thread which nobody replied to that I felt I was treated as a criminal by some of these doctors and therapists . I had committed no crime

It's scary and sad... I have no words

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Wow . I'm so sorry . I posted in another thread which nobody replied to that I felt I was treated as a criminal by some of these doctors and therapists . I had committed no crime

It's scary and sad... I have no words

They do make us feel like criminals. I'm so sorry that happened to you, that you felt like that and that nobody replied. I don't remember seeing it or I would have fuzzy. It's not right, it's not fair and people who treat sick people like criminals shouldn't be allowed to work with sick people. (((Hugs)))

The nursing staff also told me "there are people with real problems here, I have a 70 year old women dying of cancer over there"

If he had even a clue as to the physical and mental torment I was under he could not possibly have said that. My husband said it's a HIPPA violation for him to even tell me what another patient has. Also, he said to threaten to treat me like a criminal was a violation and few other things.

My husband helped me write a formal complaint. Now I fear relatiation but my husband helped me compose some emails to my psychiatrist also. I talked to my therapist but she just kept accusing me of being too worked up to talk. She called me so I let it go and got off the phone. I need to write a letter next time I see her and my husband is going to start going to psych and primary care appointments again. I can't keep being dismissed....I need to get better .

In my complaint I asked for an apology (face to face) for the staff to get sensitivity training regarding the mentally Ill. My husband asked if his 2 cents could be added in and he said the guy should be removed from the ER and working with critical clients. The apology is very important to me. I'm always the one apologizing even when it's the other persons fault. I want an apology but it needs to be heartfelt so after the sensitivity training I feel.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I think a lot of people who haven't had depression don't understand when you use the word pain to describe it....

I hope you feel a little more in control. I think it's important to write things down and to use others as a kind of sounding board. Thoughts get muddled with depression and we start to doubt what our reality is.

I don't know you that well, but what I do know of you is that you're a kind and compassionate person who deserves kindness and compassion in return.

[Unrigged64072835]

(((((ElsaMars)))))

So sorry that this happened to you.

I've been treated rudely before in hospitals as well. It doesn't help when you're in physical pain, too--that makes emotional pain worse.

I don't have much to offer other than hugs.

My parents have chosen the honky tonk faker over me. The nails have finally been drilled into my coffin. The honky tonk faker has stolen my family, stolen my son's position in the family and has murdered me. I wish I could cry, scream, or reach out for help. But I'm dry and tired like an endless desert. Instead of help I received more torture, threats or am told I'm too emotional to talk to, which is more torture. When I needed it most, my therapist decided I shouldn't be talking due to high emotions. There is no help. For some lucky people, sure, but I just get more abuse and torture. They force me to stick around so they can abuse me more. Gave birth to me to torture me. I've ran the numbers and good people account for about 15% of the population but we get trampled by the psychological tormentors so we stay inside and never meet the good guys. Not many of them anyways. I pretty much hate everything and everyone right now. It's too much pain with zero relief. I have nothing to offer society and all I bring to everyone's life is misery. Just let it go on record that the honky tonk faker killed me. I asked for one favor for that I deeply needed and it was too much for them to give. At least I know the truth now.

Thanks for everyone who tried to help. I even felt a bit of hope earlier today but it's lots. I'll never get the apology for the torture, and people who claim they care about me are harboring one of my tormentors.