[Francinsky]

When I was four my parents broke up. My father had another mental breakdown and my mum couldn't stand him yelling at us any longer. However almost immediately he called for a court-case to get custody of me.

I was so confused and upset at that time. I reckon I also could feel my mother's stress, because not long after I had crashed into depression. For months, maybe even a year I had the same constant thought of how to kill myself. It really did consume me and I very quickly began to loose my emotions.

A few years later, in year 2 of primary school a new girl came to our school. Her name was Shannon. She began to bully me and essentially gave everyone else a reason to start it too. I was both verbally and silently bullied. No one wanted to come near me or speak to me, and when I did they'd stare at me or said that they weren't talking to me and so they then left.
This continued for 4 years. By then I had forgotten how to smile and or be happy, I suppose. I tried so hard to befriend someone, anyone at least. But nobody wanted me as their friend, or if they did they were very two-faced about it.
Well, there was one friend I did truly have. His name was Jordan and I spent most, if not all of my time with him. I was oblivious to the fact that he was actually quite a controlling character and also chased away everyone else. My mum and teachers noticed this however, but they didn't say anything. But around the start of year 4 he had to move away. I was distraught by this, and in attempt tried to make new friends. This failed however as a year later they betrayed me, to join the others and pick on me too. I suppose they were never my friends, but acquaintances - but I was too lonely and desperate to realise that.
I was left alone, dehumanised. I eventually convinced myself that I couldn't be human or something, and my thoughts became dehumanised and in times of annoyance, disturbingly savaged.

Whilst this was going on I also had to deal with cafcass officers and therapists who twisted my words. I still feel very stressed if I ever have to go to another one, especially if they had a clipboard to write down my words. It always made me anxious, not knowing what they wrote. What they could alter and use against me, since the cafcass system were on my dad's side.

In year 6 I changed schools. I loved the building and had a proper best friend for once, although I still got bullied. These bullies were more physical and kicked me a lot or try to push me down the stairs. I was once scared out of my wits when one of them pushed me from the top of the large 14-stair staircase and I'm very glad I hold onto railings because otherwise I would've seriously hurt myself.

Thankfully in year 6 the court case finally got dismissed, though I still have a few traumas from the process (I haven't written them so far, because I feel like I don't need to cover it as much).

In year 7, the beginning of secondary school, I was still heavily bullied. Even though I had healed a little from having a proper best friend, my dehumanisation was still quite apparent as I had wanted to approach the school from being a shy and nice girl but my lack of social skills led almost everyone into thinking I was creepy, whilst my inhumane hunger for wanting to watch people's reactions to things only made it worse. Late year 7 I managed to ghost in a group (i might explain some other time) and hung out with them at the park often. The only problem was that when they had gone home I sometimes lingered longer than I should have. There were also boys from my year at the park and for quite a few months they thought it was amusing to boot a football at my head repeatedly. I now have a fear of headering balls and I tend to avoid being near airborne ones. In addition my head is very sensitive to being whacked my anything now and I get headaches that last for at least an hour.

In year 9 many students had begun to mature and realise what they were doing was wrong. I managed to get into another group who treated me better and my healing process had greatly improved. After having some form of contact with other normal people I had begun to feel more, and I can still remember the day I recognised that I had begun to smile naturally at things, even if it was a very small smile.

In another thread I will discuss my current issues and I hope for you to share with your stories too so we can break free from depression.

[Skeezyks]

Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Fizzyo]

Hi and welcome to PC.

This is a good place to make friends and get support. I can relate to some of what you shared and I know that others will understand better than me.

I look forward to maybe seeing more of your posts.

[ninja34]

"I can still remember the day I recognized that I begun to smile naturally at things, even if it was a very small smile."

This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

[Sula B]

Originally Posted by Francinsky

When I was four my parents broke up. My father had another mental breakdown and my mum couldn't stand him yelling at us any longer. However almost immediately he called for a court-case to get custody of me.

I was so confused and upset at that time. I reckon I also could feel my mother's stress, because not long after I had crashed into depression. For months, maybe even a year I had the same constant thought of how to kill myself. It really did consume me and I very quickly began to loose my emotions.

A few years later, in year 2 of primary school a new girl came to our school. Her name was Shannon. She began to bully me and essentially gave everyone else a reason to start it too. I was both verbally and silently bullied. No one wanted to come near me or speak to me, and when I did they'd stare at me or said that they weren't talking to me and so they then left.
This continued for 4 years. By then I had forgotten how to smile and or be happy, I suppose. I tried so hard to befriend someone, anyone at least. But nobody wanted me as their friend, or if they did they were very two-faced about it.
Well, there was one friend I did truly have. His name was Jordan and I spent most, if not all of my time with him. I was oblivious to the fact that he was actually quite a controlling character and also chased away everyone else. My mum and teachers noticed this however, but they didn't say anything. But around the start of year 4 he had to move away. I was distraught by this, and in attempt tried to make new friends. This failed however as a year later they betrayed me, to join the others and pick on me too. I suppose they were never my friends, but acquaintances - but I was too lonely and desperate to realise that.
I was left alone, dehumanised. I eventually convinced myself that I couldn't be human or something, and my thoughts became dehumanised and in times of annoyance, disturbingly savaged.

Whilst this was going on I also had to deal with cafcass officers and therapists who twisted my words. I still feel very stressed if I ever have to go to another one, especially if they had a clipboard to write down my words. It always made me anxious, not knowing what they wrote. What they could alter and use against me, since the cafcass system were on my dad's side.

In year 6 I changed schools. I loved the building and had a proper best friend for once, although I still got bullied. These bullies were more physical and kicked me a lot or try to push me down the stairs. I was once scared out of my wits when one of them pushed me from the top of the large 14-stair staircase and I'm very glad I hold onto railings because otherwise I would've seriously hurt myself.

Thankfully in year 6 the court case finally got dismissed, though I still have a few traumas from the process (I haven't written them so far, because I feel like I don't need to cover it as much).

In year 7, the beginning of secondary school, I was still heavily bullied. Even though I had healed a little from having a proper best friend, my dehumanisation was still quite apparent as I had wanted to approach the school from being a shy and nice girl but my lack of social skills led almost everyone into thinking I was creepy, whilst my inhumane hunger for wanting to watch people's reactions to things only made it worse. Late year 7 I managed to ghost in a group (i might explain some other time) and hung out with them at the park often. The only problem was that when they had gone home I sometimes lingered longer than I should have. There were also boys from my year at the park and for quite a few months they thought it was amusing to boot a football at my head repeatedly. I now have a fear of headering balls and I tend to avoid being near airborne ones. In addition my head is very sensitive to being whacked my anything now and I get headaches that last for at least an hour.

In year 9 many students had begun to mature and realise what they were doing was wrong. I managed to get into another group who treated me better and my healing process had greatly improved. After having some form of contact with other normal people I had begun to feel more, and I can still remember the day I recognised that I had begun to smile naturally at things, even if it was a very small smile.

In another thread I will discuss my current issues and I hope for you to share with your stories too so we can break free from depression.

Your story sounds familiar. I am bi racial but sounds like I am a lot older than you. My parents thought it would be a great idea to drag me all over the world during my school years (during the 70's and 80's) so I could be degraded, racially abused and bullied in many continents before I was 14 - as an adult I have 'joked' many times that I have been called every racist name there is whether it was applicable to my race or not. The classic experience was when I also got called the "whitey friend" of a very dear aboriginal girlfriend of mine. I can remember feeling shocked, incredulous, confused, bemused and amused all at once.

Hang in there love - the world seems full of hate but if you look closely enough it is also full of wonderful, kind and beautiful souls - its just that its hard to see those sparkling little lights hidden amongst all the trash.

I will be thinking of you.

[Fuzzybear]