[distressed123]

I am not sure there's anything I can do about my situation but I just wanted to vent. I posted about a "man" a while back who is actually my boyfriend (long distance) who is depressed (or was, I don't really know anymore). I guess I was trying to be vague about it just in case he happens to browse through the forums. He disappeared for 2 months mid-late last year, came back and apologized. I flew to see him early December of last year for a week primarily to help cheer him up but he said although he still has those days, he's doing fine and it will not happen again. Fast forward to now...we have not had a real conversation (phone or video) since last week of December. He sent me texts here and there the first couple of weeks at the start of this year, some of them long saying that he's sad, angry and depressed about the situation he's in but the last of it was 2 weeks ago. This depression is brought about by a disease which I also have and anytime he feels symptoms, it brings him down. I have been depressed in the past and have been reclusive myself so I somewhat understand his need for space but I was not seeing anyone that time so I don't know how I would've reacted if that were the case. I don't know if I would have shut down that person completely. I think I'm doing a great job with keeping myself busy with hobbies and grad school on top of work and although support and compassion towards him trump selfishness most of the time, there are those days when I feel sad and I get angry about the situation especially today when it's Valentine's day, and I didn't even get a text from him. Sometimes like today, I think about how I have the same thing he has and experience it from time to time but it doesn't affect me mentally like this. Sometimes I just can't help but make it about me. I question if that supposed "relationship" is not solid enough for him to acknowledge my once a week text? I sent him a text a month ago about saying that maybe it would be better if we step back and just be friends so I can better support him - I guess this is actually more to tell myself not to expect anything. I said that out of impulse but he brushed it off anyway and instead replied saying that he's angry and overwhelmed with thoughts and can't bring himself to care about anything. So yea... I get worried about what this will do in the context of him and I.

When I get into these thoughts, I usually just read through depression forums to remind myself that I have to be compassionate, understanding and patient. That usually helps but it takes mental work to get to that state and today I just had to let it out.

[Fuzzybear]

[Fizzyo]