[lesshumanmorebeing]

Really skeptical about posting on here but I don't know what else to do. I'm a mess. I spend most of the day sleeping or just lying in bed until I have to go to work. I have desire to do things but no motivation to do it. I'm a 22 year old male and I've struggled with depression since I was a kid. I've been on a different antidepressant for over a month now after I almost killed myself and admitted myself to the emergency room. It hasn't really been helping. I've been seeing a psychiatrist but visits are over a month apart because appointments are always booked up. In the meantime I've just been struggling either oversleeping, not sleeping enough, and just constantly thinking about killing myself. It has gotten worse over the years. I finished university last year but haven't been able to find a stable job or one thats relevant to what I studied for 4 years. I'm living with 6 other members of my family to save money. But I don't even know what I'm saving for anymore. more schooling? down payment on a house? move out and pay rent living paycheck to paycheck? go travelling? It all sounds so tedious and such a drag that I end up just doing nothing and not planning anything at all.

Since I've finished school I've dabbled into drugs more often. Cocaine, ecstasy, heavy marijuana use on and off, blacking out on the weekends drinking too much or casually drinking alone. I've also done cycles of steroids in the last 2 years and rationalizing it as motivation to go exercise. It's improved my issues with low self-esteem and confidence but I know it's risky and obviously affects my mood on and off the drug. I'm currently not on any but I've been tempted to go back on them even after my psych advised me not to. At least I'd be out of my bed.

I've been living in a new city for almost a year and I've made no reliable friends. The only people I hangout with are drug dealers I met at some odd jobs I did since I moved here. I started selling with them but it actually hasn't made me any money. I feel like a completely different person. I'm horrible. I had all these dreams and potential to go to medical school but I never pursued it after the depression got worse. I've just spiralled downward on a path I never thought I'd be on. I hate myself. I just stay in my room all day until I'm rushing to get to work. I lost 15lbs in the last 2 months because I just don't get up to eat or make myself a meal to bring to work. I just drink coffee to function. I'm trying to cut back on the drugs. I'm trying to develop the healthy routine I used to have; exercise, balanced diet, work, and joining rec teams or clubs to make friends. But now all I do is lay in bed, sleep, and work on weekdays, and occasionally drink and do drugs on the weekend on my days off.

I don't know what to do. I planned a weekend trip to my hometown to see my friends, have some drinks, probably do drugs, and I even booked a hotel to see this girl I've been talking to the last couple months. I'm scared I've given myself an opportunity for a final hurrah or final goodbye before I take my own life. I feel so alone. I don't know how much longer I can take it. How do I fight this when I cant even get out of bed? It's like lying down I've already comfortably accepted defeat. I don't have anyone that truly understands me or can communicate with me openly. I just get told I'm lazy and irresponsible. Obviously I don't want to be that way. Yet here I am.

Any advice or stories that can relate would be greatly appreciated. Sorry if this isn't a proper way to bring up these issues on this forum. I'm new to this and desperate.

[Fuzzybear]

I'm not "useful" so have no advice but noticed your post has no replies...
I don't even usually use words.

Welcome to pc

[SoulSurvivor]

What does or used to make you happy?

[lilypup]

I'm a lot older than you (57) so I may not be the best advice giver.
I laid in bed for literally two years. Didn't even work. That's how depressed I was. We tried everything basically except ECT. It was just awful.
I never was that actively suicidal but I definitely did want to escape everything.
Time just passed and I got better. I am still not great, but things are better.
I think your plan of exercise, nutrition, and meeting people at sports things, etc. sounds great. That sounds really healthy and like a great plan.
Do you have the energy to start a routine at all?
For example,
just start packing your lunch and making your bed for a week. This might sound dumb, but maybe it would get you started.

Believe me, I have been where you are. I understand and sympathize.

[imaginethat]

I'm empathize completely. I can barely get out of bed to go to work. The only thing that keeps me going is I don't want to lose my job and my financial independence.

My therapist is the only one who completely and unconditionally understands me. I highly recommend seeing one. To me, depression isn't beatable without meds and therapy.

It's great that you're trying to be more active and eat healthily. That will help.

I agree with lilypup. Start by doing small things. For instance, I feel a sense of accomplishment by just managing to sweep the floor or unload the dishwasher. If that's all I can do on a Saturday afternoon, I've done well.

Please don't give up. By taking meds, taking care of your health, and going to therapy, you never know what might happen.