I feel hopeless. (Trigger warning)

I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 11 after showing my teacher poetry about how I wanted to die and asking for help. Since then, I still haven't found happiness. I'm transgender and struggle with gender dysphoria. I'll probably never have the money for surgeries/hormones. I have no friends and haven't for about 5 years. That's the jist of the back story or whatever, I guess. So, with that out of the way, I can get to last week, and I'll try to be vague. Please don't delete my post. So, I'm 19 and where I'm from I can't legally purchase alcohol until 21. So last week I planned to kill myself at work and I wanted a bottle of vodka to make it easier and I asked a coworker if he'd get me some (his job involves leaving the building regularly through the day anyway) and he said yes but he's a little bit incompetent and didn't get it to me until the end of my shift when I couldn't go through with the plan. So I got home and I drank and I haven't been feeling as intensely any more but I feel like all I'm doing is waiting until I feel that way again. Like my entire life is a cycle of bursts of extreme, suicidal, unmanageable moments, with in-between halfway stable moments of waiting for the emotions to return.

I'm really sorry you're going through this I haven't been in your situation, but have a couple of friends who are trans and both of them went through some really difficult times. I believe it must be really difficult.
I understand that you've got to a point where everything feels hopeless. Just know that there are solutions though...I can't suggest anything specific, but there are definitely people and places to turn to. But yeah, sometimes takes time to find them, I know.
Would seeing a therapist be an option for you?

Otherwise feel free to share here more about the issues you're facing, it could be really helpful just to write them down.

I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time. Please seek help. You're worth it. Keep reaching out here and also a therapist. You're not alone here. If you need to talk I'm here. Hugs coming your way. Are you seeing a pdoc or on any medication?

I have a therapist but because of work, I haven't been able to see her in the past few months. But even then, I've been in therapy for about 8 years and it hasn't helped

Idk what pdoc is. I've been prescribed multiple different medications throughout the years but none have worked.