[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

so why should I? What is there to care about? Bleakness - blackness - nothingness - just emptiness

Gone....gone....gone....gone

It's all the same and I don't care, why should I?

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

so why should I? What is there to care about? Bleakness - blackness - nothingness - just emptiness

Gone....gone....gone....gone

It's all the same and I don't care, why should I?

????? What's up?

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Trace14

????? What's up?

Doesn't really matter anymore - does it?

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Doesn't really matter anymore - does it?

Depends on what "it" is. Some days are better than others. Today's been a sucky day, hopefully tomorrow will be better. What's got you feeling so hopeless?

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Depends on what "it" is. Some days are better than others. Today's been a sucky day, hopefully tomorrow will be better. What's got you feeling so hopeless?

Finances, can't get counseling, things fiance says, little things he's done n not done ... feel like a failure in certain areas of my life...

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Finances, can't get counseling, things fiance says, little things he's done n not done ... feel like a failure in certain areas of my life...

That would be tough, there's no county health there? Can you work a little bit? Well I don't see things as failures really just some bad choices sometimes puts us in positions we are not comfortable with. Everyone makes mistakes. You just need to figure this out with your fiancé , since he will be your husband one day. No better time than now to practice sounds like a good common issue to work on.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Trace14

That would be tough, there's no county health there? Can you work a little bit? Well I don't see things as failures really just some bad choices sometimes puts us in positions we are not comfortable with. Everyone makes mistakes. You just need to figure this out with your fiancé , since he will be your husband one day. No better time than now to practice sounds like a good common issue to work on.

I am on disability - so county health won't pick me up as I technically make too much. The insurance I have is being a pain. I have been with my fiance on n off 12 yrs (had a break of 2mo) - 7of those years previously married to him, so we already know each other pretty well but have been working on some things before we marry again. There are things I have failed at that have nothing to do with him but cut me just as deep - such as a child I had when I just turned 18 but had to place for adoption and have failed to be able to meet bc somehow I made myself seem unworthy of doing so to him. But that's just one thing.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

I am on disability - so county health won't pick me up as I technically make too much. The insurance I have is being a pain. I have been with my fiance on n off 12 yrs (had a break of 2mo) - 7of those years previously married to him, so we already know each other pretty well but have been working on some things before we marry again. There are things I have failed at that have nothing to do with him but cut me just as deep - such as a child I had when I just turned 18 but had to place for adoption and have failed to be able to meet bc somehow I made myself seem unworthy of doing so to him. But that's just one thing.

Do you know where the child is? The people that have him? I would think that would be something you really need to put some thought into. Go over the pros and cons. Not that you are unworthy but to do what's best for the child. Ya know? I know that must have been a very hard thing to do.
Yes, I guess you do know him LOL

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

I am on disability - so county health won't pick me up as I technically make too much. The insurance I have is being a pain. I have been with my fiance on n off 12 yrs (had a break of 2mo) - 7of those years previously married to him, so we already know each other pretty well but have been working on some things before we marry again. There are things I have failed at that have nothing to do with him but cut me just as deep - such as a child I had when I just turned 18 but had to place for adoption and have failed to be able to meet bc somehow I made myself seem unworthy of doing so to him. But that's just one thing.

I also placed a baby for adoption when I was 19. Though I have contact with her. If you ever need someone to talk to about it, I'm here.

[MickeyCheeky]

We do care.. I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Do you know where the child is? The people that have him? I would think that would be something you really need to put some thought into. Go over the pros and cons. Not that you are unworthy but to do what's best for the child. Ya know? I know that must have been a very hard thing to do.
Yes, I guess you do know him LOL

I placed him with his parents n tho I lost touch I found him again via Facebook but he wants nothing to do with me - he is now 24

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

I also placed a baby for adoption when I was 19. Though I have contact with her. If you ever need someone to talk to about it, I'm here.

Thank you - I never wanted to. The father and I actually planned the pregnancy but everything went South when I was 7mo along and it was either mess up my son's life or give him up - I did the latter n have hurt ever since.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

We do care.. I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

Thanks

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

I placed him with his parents n tho I lost touch I found him again via Facebook but he wants nothing to do with me - he is now 24

I think you need to respect that for his sake. Maybe one day he will change his mind. The situation is out of your control right now, you need to understand that and stop beating yourself up for something he has decided to do. I'm sure you both are very hurt. He knows you want to meet him, the ball is in his court.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Trace14

I think you need to respect that for his sake. Maybe one day he will change his mind. The situation is out of your control right now, you need to understand that and stop beating yourself up for something he has decided to do. I'm sure you both are very hurt. He knows you want to meet him, the ball is in his court.

Who said anything about not respecting him?
I am not trying to stalk him - but I am allowed my feelings and I am also allowed to express them. I hurt. There is no law against that.

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Who said anything about not respecting him?
I am not trying to stalk him - but I am allowed my feelings and I am also allowed to express them. I hurt. There is no law against that.

Of course you are allowed to hurt. I can relate to some of your pain.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

Of course you are allowed to hurt. I can relate to some of your pain.

Thank you.
Sorry you can relate at all.
❤

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Who said anything about not respecting him?
I am not trying to stalk him - but I am allowed my feelings and I am also allowed to express them. I hurt. There is no law against that.

I didn't say you were stalking him. Just saying you extended the olive branch, maybe that will give him food for thought to come around and want to meet. Yes, you are able to express your feelings but you didn't fail here. You made the best call you thought to be made, that's not a failure that's love. That's all I was saying.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

I still dont understand how it is I am not showing him respect..?

Honestly the hurt comes from allowing him the space he desires. Initially it came from giving him the safety n security he needed even if it meant a life away from me and now its because he wishes to remain away - but it has never been because I have in some way attempted to do or say something against him or what was best for him. I hurt because he still feels I am not even good enough to say "hi, it's me". I hurt because he doesn't want to let me see anything of his life. I hurt because he doesn't have a connection in his heart for me. I hurt because I have loved him since the moment I heard his heard beat, felt his first movement..and I started dying inside when I very first made the decision to let him go, but totally withered inside the moment I put him in someone else's car and watched as he was driven out of my life. I hurt because there has not been a time since then when I see a child or young adult or young man who would be his age at whatever time period and wondered "is he ok?" "did i do the right thing?" "could i have loved him better and made him happier?" "God, please don't let him ever have been abused or had to suffer bc of my decision" I hurt bc "my decision" was all but out of my hands and I still cannot even be given a chance to just say "You were always loved"