[lindeeq212]

I think I just ruined another relationship. I can't deal with anything. Everything is too hard. I know these are unhealthy and bad thoughts, but they are real. I'm sick of disappointing everyone, constantly feeling I'm lacking any good thing. I have the best of intentions, but no follow through. I think I finally passed the point of depression and I'm deep in despair. Motivation is not even a word I recognize or understand anymore. I can do good for a little while, but I always fall and fail and go back into bad habits and wrong thinking. I'm getting so sick of trying so hard at thinking positive and be around people at all. I lost all my friends because honestly, I don't care about most people, they are mostly just annoying jerks that require too much time, work and effort ... Too many expectations with friends and dating relationships.

All of these thoughts swirl in my head all day long ... I'm severely ashamed of many things I've done in the past. I can't get over certain experiences and people that I've either destroyed or been destroyed by.

All I do these days is try to escape and avoid everything. I'm extremely resistant, sensitive, angry, hostile and obsessed. I'm trapped inside a prison I built for myself and there's no way out. I may reasonably improve or experience some decent or pleasant things, but I honestly believe I can not overcome certain things and I'm going to be stuck in the mud the rest of my life. I'm 30 years old, but I feel like a 90 year old woman on her death bed, barely breathing.

[Sunflower123]

Hello...sorry you're having such a tough time. I can relate to much of you have said. You're not alone. Do you take medication? If so, maybe a med review with your pdoc would give you some relief. Do you see a therapist to help you process and cope with the way you are feeling? I hope you start feeling better soon. You'll find lots of support on this forum.

[lindeeq212]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Hello...sorry you're having such a tough time. I can relate to much of you have said. You're not alone. Do you take medication? If so, maybe a med review with your pdoc would give you some relief. Do you see a therapist to help you process and cope with the way you are feeling? I hope you start feeling better soon. You'll find lots of support on this forum.

Thank you. I switched medications fairly recently. I think I'm doing so bad this month because of extra stress with family issues and I haven't been able to make it to my appointments this month. I'm doing better today, but it always feels like there is so much heaviness and sadness right beneath the surface.

Originally Posted by lindeeq212

I think I just ruined another relationship. I can't deal with anything. Everything is too hard. I know these are unhealthy and bad thoughts, but they are real. I'm sick of disappointing everyone, constantly feeling I'm lacking any good thing. I have the best of intentions, but no follow through. I think I finally passed the point of depression and I'm deep in despair. Motivation is not even a word I recognize or understand anymore. I can do good for a little while, but I always fall and fail and go back into bad habits and wrong thinking. I'm getting so sick of trying so hard at thinking positive and be around people at all. I lost all my friends because honestly, I don't care about most people, they are mostly just annoying jerks that require too much time, work and effort ... Too many expectations with friends and dating relationships.

All of these thoughts swirl in my head all day long ... I'm severely ashamed of many things I've done in the past. I can't get over certain experiences and people that I've either destroyed or been destroyed by.

All I do these days is try to escape and avoid everything. I'm extremely resistant, sensitive, angry, hostile and obsessed. I'm trapped inside a prison I built for myself and there's no way out. I may reasonably improve or experience some decent or pleasant things, but I honestly believe I can not overcome certain things and I'm going to be stuck in the mud the rest of my life. I'm 30 years old, but I feel like a 90 year old woman on her death bed, barely breathing.

I feel the same way. Like Jennifer said, you aren't the only one feeling like this. If nothing else, use ppl here to get up the courage to see a therapist and/or doctor. I had to start with online chat therapy bc i was too scared to sit down face to face. Hope things work out.