[Orangefd1]

I'm new to the psych central and I'm scored at severe depression... I don't know why it started or how it started but I got my first diagnosis when I was pregnant with my first child, but I know I was depressed far before then. I know that this is probably the only place I can post this. Whether anyone reads it or not, I guess I don't care. I want to know what it feels like to have my feelings out in the open.

When I was about 12 my father was remarried to his second wife after a divorce. The divorce never bothered me, but it did do some significant damage to my sister, emotionally. After my father was remarried, his wife turned very sour. Throughout his marriage with her I was physically abused by her. I covered it up for the most part and then CPS (now DCS) came to my house and were trying to arrest her. She was a school teacher and was never taken into custody. Then my step father was drunk one night and then abused me and my sister. He's a good guy and was taken into the courts and ordered parenting classes.

Fast forward to the end of my high school career. I had gotten involved with a guy who I fell in love with so fast. He was different and mysterious. I soon found out he was addicted to drugs and sold drugs. He was schizophrenic and bipolar, but I was already caught in his charm. I was pregnant with my first child with him and I endured abuse throughout the months of my pregnancy. He constantly would talk to this other persona in his head about killing me and then while we were living together he would get really mad when I got sad. He tried to kill me so I would stop talking about suicide. My head would go through walls and slammed into the bed frame. I was stabbed at six months of pregnancy by a very large knife that had brass knuckles. He couldn't drive anywhere, but I had my own car-but I still feel like I couldn't escape.

I remember one night when we went to visit his parents and he told me he was going to kill our unborn baby and then me. He started trying to punch me in the stomach and I dropped to the ground to protect our baby. I wanted to leave so many times. I was always trying to call the police and multiple times he broke my phone. The night after our baby was born, he was arrested. I took that opportunity to leave to my mother's house 5 hours away. He still would contact me and it seemed near impossible to get out of his clenches.

He only remained in jail for a day and I always thought what it would be like if I had gotten the police involved in the abuse... whether or not if he would be in prison. Sometimes I wish he was.

I found another man, who loved my baby and we got married. We had another child together and I severed the rights of my ex to my first child. He didn't care whatsoever. Fast forward two years into the relationship with my spouse and he started to make fun of the abuse that I had in my previous relationship by making physical gestures of choking to me, which my ex had also done to me till I passed out.

I am now just unsure if I just don't deserve to be happy... I'm sure I don't.

[Sunflower123]

You've had some really hard knocks in life but to this point you have prevailed. I strongly believe that you deserve to have a happy, good quality life. Are you working with a therapist on any of this? You're very brave for posting.

[Orangefd1]

Thank you! I cry every time I read what I wrote, and I cried when I was writing it! Haha.. No I haven't had the time with both of my kids and work to be able to see a therapist. So I was hoping just getting some stuff out there would maybe help. Thank you for reading!!