I don’t want to live anymore but I don’t know if I can kill myself. Im losing my mind

If you think about it, a lot of the reactions you now feel awkward about looking back, were pretty common age-appropriate reactions to life stresses and losses at the time. The loss of your aunt must have hit really hard, considering her importance in your life.

I have problems opening up in therapy also. I was one of the shy kids who got bullied a lot in the past, and that builds some walls without conscious knowledge I think. I wish I had told therapists up front that opening up fully is a problem of mine. I think if you do this right away, your progress may be improved.

I recently found that working on improving self-esteem and self-confidence has a positive effect on my social anxiety. The image of ourselves we keep in our minds definitely affects how we act around others. If I work on developing a new skill, remind myself of positive interactions I have with friends, deliberately try to do nice things for people, give myself credit for trying my best - anything like that - I also feel a bit more socially confident.

There is a common reaction people have to chronic stress called "learned helplessness". This is where you begin to feel passively resigned to whatever is happening and find it hard to get motivated to change anything. I find it very helpful to be aware of when I do this, because that state of mind is harmful. It feels "rational and understandable", and it sneaks up on you, but in fact it doesn't really help change anything for the better. Any positive thing you can do to leave that state and try to gain some measure of control over your life again really pays off.

Best of luck to you.

Dear sadandlonely, I just want to congratulate you for making it this far. Well done. You are a lot stronger than you think. You are amazing, after all that you've been through and your words are filled with courage. I am so sure you will find your way through to the "light", as they say. Don't be so hard on yourself. Life has been so very tough for you. You cannot expect to bounce back just like that. My life is nowhere as difficult as yours and I'm already in therapy. I cannot imagine what I'll do if anything like what you've experienced happened to me. If it were a physical hurt, you're be in hospital recuperating and maybe going for physiotherapy or something. But just because it's an emotional hurt, we think we can recover just like that. Emotional hurt is not different from physical hurt. Take care of yourself the way you might a physical hurt. You're very brave and strong. I admire you so much.