[kkrrhh]

It seems like this is a recurring thing for me, both when depression's bad and sometimes just in general. A lot of the time I just don't like being anywhere near happy if it's not gonna last. It's like when I first start a med, like the one I've been taking recently, where I know it might give me a higher boost at the beginning than it will actually end up giving me consistently... I'd just rather skip the too high happies. At least then there's more chance of avoiding the painful fall.

I've had pretty much long term/recurring mental illness most of my life, may possibly be autistic, am unemployed and have never done well with holding jobs so far, am currently financially dependent on my parents and in debt already, with no financial turnaround in sight... It's just a fact that, no, my life is not exactly likely to ever hit a point and just become easy.
So between these things, and the state of the world right now, it's been even harder to pull myself up into positivity from this depression - except this time, it's seeming "smart" to stay at least somewhat close to miserable. It almost feels like, I can't naively picture some positive future to hold onto this time, life is just rough and if I stay down now, I'll get used to it being that way.

I'm suddenly even more scared to death of the future and how rough it may be, probably from a mix of being early-20s "no for real you've gotta pull it together and adult it up right this instant," the things I mentioned above, and the fact that I fell so far again into such a severe depression yet again and just can't keep up or quit falling more behind. I mean, this sounds pathetic and I've already had the whole 20's quarter life crisis multiple times, but this recent depression and looking at the seemingly dark hopeless world have brought it back way worse. All I can picture is myself out on my own struggling horribly (whether because I finally make myself even if I'm not ready, my parents get sick of me, etc.) and just unable to make it on my own, when I see other people my age who started off in a much better place and are capable of working more hours than I'd ever be capable of still struggling. I can't stop thinking of myself nearly (or actually) homeless, unable to afford bills or food, no insurance for mental health care (almost the scariest idea, currently). I have an incredibly low stress tolerance and just mentally fall apart easily even with the security of my parents, family, and home behind me, how could I ever make it with all that stress?



Basically, it feels like if I let myself be much happier than I may very possibly be in the future, I'm only letting myself grow weak. Like if I stay more miserable now, I'll just jump in the water and maybe stop babying myself and grow stronger somehow. I know to a certain extent this sounds like it could be a depressive thinking thing, but what if it's somewhat legitimate?

Can anyone tell me convincingly why this wouldn't (or would) be true? Has anyone found this to actually be true (i.e., that it's honestly best to prepare yourself for life by just staying miserable)?

[Sunflower123]

I can't say I have. I look forward to the good times to give me a break and give me hope. There seems to be some cognitive distortions in your thinking which may be making it worse then it has to be if you care to seek them out although I agree you've had a rough time in life so far. I wish you good luck and best wishes.