[Only_Human1983]

I have been feeling so lost and totally hopeless for a while now and I just don’t think I can take anymore. I have suffered from depression on and off for about 6 years, but in the past it has been mainly triggered by a situation (such as relationship breaking down etc.) but this time it feels different and I just feel a sense of total despair and hopelessness. I’m 34 and I’ve been single for about 18 months. I know I’m not old so to speak, but I’ve really been struggling with ageing and losing any looks I had. I know that sounds shallow, but I guess I’m just so worried that I’m going to be on my own forever and end up alone. I feel that when I was younger it was easy to attract people (without meaning to be big headed) but now I just feel that nobody wants someone that’s ‘lost it’ and suffers from depression. All my friends are married (or at least with someone) and having babies and it just feels like I’m left behind. I am truly happy for them, but I’m finding it really hard to be around them these days, as it just reminds me of what I don’t and probably will never have. I hate myself for feeling this way.

I’m convinced that I’ll be on my own forever and that I’ll never have children. I know that’s not the right attitude, but it’s a feeling I’ve had for quite a few years and it’s so ingrained that I don’t think I will ever change my belief. However, I’m aware that sometimes if you believe something so strongly it’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy and that makes me more anxious – it’s just a vicious circle.

I am close to my parents, but they mainly avoid me these days when I am obviously at a low point (I’ve learnt to put on an act with everyone else) I know it’s because they don’t know what to say or do, but sometimes (most of the time) it just really feels like they don’t care. I also got myself into quite a bit of debt a few years ago (partly caused by my depression) and so my parents have kindly allowed me to live in a studio flat which is separate from the house and although I get my own space, it’s very much like I’m living with them and I can’t hide myself away. My Mum has been convinced that I have Aspbergers for years and recently one of her friends (who has a son with Aspbergers) recommended a therapist for me to see. My Mum forwarded the email to me and I saw the conversation that my Mum and her friend had had. My Mum was saying how she just wished I could be like any other 30 something and her exact words were ‘We have to live with it day to day and, at our age, it’s wearing us down. At our age your kids should be on their own, living their own lives’ I will never forget that and it frequently plays on my mind. I’m just a burden to my parents and whilst they obviously can’t be done with me, they don’t want me to die, so I just feel at a loss.

I get so scared at the thought of losing my parents because they are all I have. When they pass away, I will be left with nobody and that scares the hell out of me. I find myself wishing to die and I just don’t see the point in struggling on for nothing. I have no purpose and nothing to look forward to in life. I’m tired of working all hours and just feeling exhausted and depressed the whole time

[Sunflower123]

I responded on the other forum. I had a few questions for you.