[Taonuviel]

*Takes deep breath* Whew.
It went ok. I feel I did a good job talking, didn't clam up or anything. Didn't hold anything back, either. Feeling pretty ok right now, and I know better than to think it'll last too long, but it's good. Unfortunately I won't be able to see her again for 2 weeks, but at least something's started.
In all honesty, I guess I'm taking some good steps. People tell me so, and I brush it off, but maybe I'm not so weak and pathetic as I feel. My counselor told me I'm brave for setting it up to see her on my own, despite the risk with my mom. And last night I was feeling horrible, so nervous, and ended up calling my college group leader, who was surprised, he didn't think I'd ever manage to call. I talked with him for about an hour, and that was really good, felt a whole lot less nervous. I guess even making that appointment with the psychiatrist and the work I've done for about 2 months in opening up about my struggle, kinda building some support for myself, asking about a better job... I guess I could be proud of myself for pushing out like this.
If I look past the "I don't want to deal with this anymore" thought, there are things to grab on to... maybe I'm even making progress. Wow.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...

[gloria]

Way to go! Congratulations ... the first step has been taken.
You sure sound like you're moving on the right direction.
Be proud of yourself and ... a step at a time.

Good job at making the appointment
Good job at going to therapy
Good job at calling your college group leader

Be proud, you are doing well.

gab

[silver_queen]

I'm so glad you're making progress, Tao!

_____________________
RIP Dexter...
<font color=red>The best dog ever!!!</font color=red>

<font color=green>In the real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning.</font color=green>
- F. Scott Fitzgerald

[Taonuviel]

Forget it. What's there to make progress towards. Life sucks, it's pointless. Why bother, why keep fighting, it just hurts. I want to die, why can't I just give in? This depression is killing me, and I don't want to fight anymore. Let it win, what's it matter? I just wish it were easier to give in to. I wish I could act on this feeling. But I can't. And no matter how much I want to, I'm not killing myself tonight. And maybe I'll feel better in the morning. For what? Who knows. I need sleep - write this off as that.
And push forward for another day of nothing.

Man, and here I've gone polluting my positive post. But why clutter the board with a new post? It's all meaningless, anyway. I'll stop ranting now and go to bed.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...

[wisewoman]

Sounds like a fair amount of anxiety mixed in with your depression. Sorry your having a tough time. I bet it ebbs and flows and starts to improve. Try imagry and breathing to deal with the anxiety. Good luck to you.

[Butterfly_Faerie]

The first session is always the worse. Sometimes you don't know what to say, too nervous to speak, want to avoid it etc. I've been in therapy for 8 yrs so going to my sessions no longer cause me to have panic attacks like it use to.

I'm glad that it went well, and glad you didn't clam up alot of people do.

If you find that some stuff is hard to discuss with your doctor write it out on paper and bring it in, let her/him get the ball rolling. That is what i've done and still continue to do. Actually I just did that on my last session this week. It helps get it out in the open. I as well see my psychiatrist every 2 weeks, sometimes it's a month... but i'm ok with that because as of right now everything is going pretty well.

Good job, you definatly are making progress, just seeking help is the major step that will change everything for you in a postive way.

Good luck to you.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[Rapunzel]

Tao,
You are making progress towards being in control of your life, and towards rising above the clouds and fog of depression. There are ups and downs, but your gains have lately have been bigger than your losses. When you sink down into the fog, you can't see what you did when you were above it, and it seems like it wasn't real at all, but that's the illusion. Your progress is real, and you will continue to see it as you continue to work on it and reach out for help and stand up for yourself as you have been doing.
{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

<font color=orange>"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. - Winston Churchill "</font color=orange>

[Taonuviel]

Thanks... I'm really sorry for this.
I talked with my college group leader last night, and got re-focused a little. Still feel pretty bad, but with a bit more purpose. Although I feel very trigger-some and emotionally needy right now. I really wish I could have a hug, or fall apart in tears - some sort of release like that. It's hard to release anything right now. But I know there's purpose to my life, something good and special, which I'm probably being prepared for by this crap. Just got to try to focus on that, and avoid thinking about everything else for now.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...

[hamstergirl]

Tao, you're doing well. You're seeing the counsellor. THAT IS PROGRESS, no matter what you believe. If you're thinking otherwise, that is your depression, telling you more lies.

I call my package of mental illnesses "the monster". It is an apt name. The monster is a mighty opponent. He is a master of lies. He'll tell you anything to drag you down into the pit with him. Since depression is a sickness of the mind, the monster will play on your worst fears and exploit them.

I'm finding my own mood going down as well. I have to fight this thing from hour to hour sometimes. My moods are bouncing around like Tigger, like a big rubber ball from hell.

My advice to you is to give yourself permission to bounce. Roll with it. DON'T GIVE INTO SUICIDE THOUGH!!!! If you do, it will be the LAST mistake you ever make.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.