[Yntzoid]

May of 2008 I won the "Nice Guy Sweater" for my college team. Every year it is given to the nicest, most reliable, and kind freshman in class. I was the go to guy for everyone's problems. They used to call me Dr. Dom. I had a heart. People came to me and trusted me to listen to them. I enjoyed helping them.

Fast forward to the next year, I was drinking more, getting angry more, and cheating on my girlfriend. I have good moments too! Playing my guitar is fun, reading for leisure, lifeguarding at the beach...I still loved life everyday.

Fast forward another year. I'm drinking to the point of blackout for no other reason then to blackout. Playing with the emotions of my on and off again gf. At this point I start to hate my roommates and friends. For their success. For their attitudes. For their very existence. I started hanging out in my bed in my room
away from them. Skipped out on nights out just to sit alone and watch tv and eat. Playing my guitar became less enjoyment and more escape from my friends, my responsibilities, my negative thoughts that kept creeping up.

Fast forward to senior year. I'm a miserable shill. I hate everyone for their success. I hate myself for my choices. I don't go out frequently at all and start to keep to myself. Move out day I was prepacked and got the hell out of there. Didn't even bring my guitar to school with me that year. Got books for xmas I never even read.

Fast forward another year I'm miserable from dropping out of law school. I never wanted to really attend anyway. I cut off all ties with the same people that voted me the nicest guy. I was embarrassed of my position in life compared to theirs. I started distancing myself from friends at home because I'm embarrassed of my life. How did this happen?

Fast forward over the next few years. I've broken up with my gf. I've minimized contact with anyone. I've started working as much as I can to keep myself busy. Whenever I'm bored or have nothing to do I just think and realize how lonely and angry I am. But at what? I'm spending even more time alone and just watching YouTube and crap.

Fast forward to now. I can't wait to be in my bed. I can't wait to get to sleep. I can't wait to get away from work. I dont stay involved with any of my interests. Guitar, reading, video games, working out. All have fallen away. Just replaced by eating and sleeping. I'll try for a few days to get back into them but just stop. It's a good facade at the same time. My constant work schedule makes people think I'm just so tired and that is why I don't do anything and just sleep and eat. I must be exhausted!

I am angry all the time. But I'm not angry at anyone else except myself. I hate the way I look. The way I act. The way I appear to other people. The only emotions I feel are anger and an intense sadness. That this is my life. This is it forever. Alone and emotionally drained. With no explanation.

How did I go from the nicest guy to this? 9 years ago I won the "Nicest guy award". Now I'm the biggest asshole and meanest person I have ever known. How did this happen? Is this depression? Is this just being a cynic? The last year and a half is had more and more suicidal thoughts. No, that's not true. Not suicide but more, "I would be okay if I got a horrible illness or died in an accident" type of thoughts.

Does depression always exist in someone? Does it just appear out of nowhere for no reason? Is this something else?

I'll be honest this felt good to write out. I have no one to tell it too. If you read the whole thing, thanks.

Hello Yntzoid, I see this is your first post so welcome to PC! I hope you find your time here to be of benefit.

I can relate to wondering what happened to my past self...before mental illness made an appearance and changed everything. Fortunately I got a lot of help for my issues. Have you received help for your concerns, whether it be a psychiatrist, therapist, or any hospitalizations? Have you tried any healthy activities to try and improve mood, such as exercise or any other hobbies?

I hope you find this site to be useful, and when you get 5 posts approved by moderators you will be able to go to live chat, where there's usually someone friendly to talk to.

[Sunflower123]

If you have not already seen a psychiatrist, I strongly encourage you to see one. Just from your description of your deteriorating life tells me something is going on. Please keep us posted.