[MtnTime2896]

"Me and God, we don't get along, so now I sing:

No one's gonna take my soul away
I'm living like Jim Morrison
Heading towards a ****ed up holiday
...

It's innocence lost."

- Lana Del Rey 'Gods and Monsters'.

"I don't really want to know what's good for me"; I just want to know what's going to take this pain away. With these memories, with these questions... how can I make it all go away?
I'm back to the alcohol and weed plan with a mix of medication regiment. Only way I can get through the day: Intoxication.

The flashbacks are back. The nightmares and sleep paralyses is worse. The panic attacks hold no logical merit but full blown paranoia.

With all of this being the case, screw sobriety. Screw it because I can't stand living sober like this. "God's dead, 'I said baby that's alright with me'" He abandoned me anyway. Screw it.

I'm going out aflame. Not some damn candle that tried to be something it's not.

[mccarrolmike]

Don't say that about yourself I feel that you cut yourself short

For me, alcohol is an "amplifier" in the short term and a depressant over the long term (daily use). By amplifier I mean if I am already happy, it makes the celebration more intense but if I am already depressed then it can make my gloomy thoughts go into overdrive. So the only way to "kill" the pain is to literally knock yourself out--serious binge drinking of the type that kills your brain cells. I am sorry you are having to go to these extremes. I think strong psych drugs (and I am not that fond of them) are a better way to live than this.
I limited experience with pot but it has never mades me depressed but when used intensely, after it wears off, I experience anxiety (which is no problem if I have a xanax or gabapentin to counter that feeling). I have no idea what consistent, long term use feels like. I have used less than a dozen times and understand the "strain" used has a big effect on the outcome.
So, basically, I understand you have pain so intense that you need relief but I think alcohol makes depression worse (it might be making your paranoia worse too) and wish you would (could-maybe money is why you don't) reach for something else.....

[MickeyCheeky]

What Hoping has said. I respect and understand your decision - just asking you to think about it before you try anything. Just.. be careful, alright? We care about you.