[losthiker]

Hello, everyone.

Been lurking about for a while now. Today things got the better of me and I needed to reach out to someone.

I have had some level of depression for a long time. It started back when my first marriage started to fall apart. She was a user and knew just how to tear me apart. I finally got my self together enough to put a stop to it. But, since we had kids together, I was never completely free from her. And having to do damage control with my kids because of her hateful approach to them didn't help. She was always worse on my daughter. After the divorce my two biggest struggles where my finances. (child support and medical insurance) and a total lack of any type of meaningful relationship with anyone.

Fast forward to 7 months ago. Things had gotten out of hand since my son moved out. The ex married a horrible man that made things so much worse for my daughter. To the point that I had to interven and go to court to get full custody of my daughter.

Unfortually, life seems to keep kicking me back down when I start to crawl out of this hole I seem to be in. It has seemed to do this most of my life. It almost feels like I am being punished for choosing to marry. After my marriage, things fell apart and seem to keep knocking back down when I gain any ground. Getting my daughter was a win. And my glad to say that my daughter is doing well and happy. But, life did it again. Right after getting my daughter, my mother fell and was injured. I am an only child so I was alone in having to care for my mother during her recovery. Then just two days after that I lost my job. It put me in such a hole that really was questioning if I could ever get out of it.

Things did get better for a short time. My mom has recovered and I have found work. It didn't last though. My new position showed promise. It was supposed to have the income potential to allow me to make some real headway on getting my finances in order. For the first time, I have a chance to actually make enough to cover my expenses and have a little left over.

Today, I find out that that I was wrong. My company found an excuse to not pay the $350 bonus for last month that it owed 6 of the new techs. My bring home was less than what I was making at my last job.

How many more times am I going to be kicked down? I have lost all of my friends that I have had in the past. My mother is supportive, but we seem to make each other worse instead of better. (She has been dealing with depression herself since her and my father split up.) My daughter does what she can to help, but at 16 she has her own worries that as her dad, I don't want to add to that.

I feel so alone and so tired. I feel isolated and like my life is nothing but responsibilities and nothing more. I have lost hope. And things are getting to the point that my only feelings I am capable of are sadness, loneliness, and anger. I keep all of it to myself so I don't direct it at my kids or mom. My last visit with my doc didn't go very well and I'm looking into finding a new doctor that may be able to help or at least listen to me. Honestly, I just don't know how much more I can take.

Thanks for taking the time to reading all of this.

We all need to have a life with more joy and less of the garbage.

[CepheidVariable]

That's a lot to be hit with all at once. I hope you find someone to talk to, be it an extended family member, doctor, therapist, or whatever. At least you can reach out here in any event.

And if your mom is suffering from depression, getting her some professional help as well would be the best thing for the both of you. As someone who has been diagnosed with depression for years, I know that I have to make myself better. My family can't do that for me. They can only support.

[Fuzzybear]