[Marylin]

I feel so very low and depressed.I have chronic physical illnesses as well as mental illness,schizoaffective disorder and PTSD.I am on a waiting list for one to one CBT which I am due to start in November 2017.

I struggle to get through each day looking after myself and my home.I need to be on top of my personal care,if I get physically run down my mental health declines and I have in the past gone into psychosis when that happens.

I suffered 35 years of abuse from my narcissist sister,I cut her out of my life three years ago but she kept getting into my house without my knowledge using spare keys.I changed the locks but worry that when I forget to lock the inside patio door lock when I go out she gets in the back with old set of keys.I think things are being moved about and always worry she has cracked the keysafe code and is letting herself in again.She tried to drive me to suicde she wanted me literally dead she caused me a lot of harm through my mental health deliberately causing arguments to make me ill and breaking things in my house so I couldn't manage.She is so very violent and hates me intensely/This situation has caused me a lot of distress and low moods, fear and security worries.The police filed a domestic violence report on her.

Being alone makes me very unhappy,I can't seem to find people who will care about me...I meet people and we chat...but without support I find it very hard to socialise...so it gets very lonely.

I need people as I am someone that likes people and wants to share with others...people mean more to me than material things.

I don't know how to handle my low feelings,some days I get moods that are unbearable,like wanting to cry and being angry and depressed all at once.

If anyone can relate please reply to me I can do with some input from someone who understands.

[Olanza-what?]

Oh my dear, you are indeed going through some things. I have severe depression and co-morbidity issues as well. I spend most of my time praying that one of my health issues will just take me out of this fruitless race. I have been diagnosed with no certainty as being bipolar, schizoeffective, PTSD, BPD, and just yesterday from the lips of my very own primary care doctor, I am currently suffering from very intense anxiety/panic attacks. I'm afraid I have no advice other that to "BE GOOD TO YOU". Can't no one love us the way that we can and no one will care for us as well as we do, so you have to try. Fight like hell through this and you will make it, I tell myself that this too shall pass, these episodes don't last forever, sometimes longer than I want them to but still not forever. Put on a good movies that will make you laugh til you cry down your legs, eat a light and healthy meal, listen to good happy music that won't spark bad memories etc., exercise your limbs if possible, even while sitting, get that blood circulating, write your feelings down and get that good cry out, take your meds, wash your face and get some good old fashion sleep/rest. If you have a hobby, art, crafts, do some of that for short periods or get lost in them, redirect your mind and your heart will follow.

I pray something I said has lifted your spirits even if just for a moment. I wish I were near you this very moment, cause if I were, I would give you a good old fashion, love you neighbor hug.... as a matter of fact, take your right hand and place it on your left shoulder, okay, now take your left hand and place it on your right shoulder... now squeeze tight....that's a big ole hug from all of us here at PC. We care about you and want you to know that you are not alone!

Be well, take care and remember...."BE GOOD TO YOU"!

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Marylin

I feel so very low and depressed.I have chronic physical illnesses as well as mental illness,schizoaffective disorder and PTSD.I am on a waiting list for one to one CBT which I am due to start in November 2017.

I struggle to get through each day looking after myself and my home.I need to be on top of my personal care,if I get physically run down my mental health declines and I have in the past gone into psychosis when that happens.

I suffered 35 years of abuse from my narcissist sister,I cut her out of my life three years ago but she kept getting into my house without my knowledge using spare keys.I changed the locks but worry that when I forget to lock the inside patio door lock when I go out she gets in the back with old set of keys.I think things are being moved about and always worry she has cracked the keysafe code and is letting herself in again.She tried to drive me to suicde she wanted me literally dead she caused me a lot of harm through my mental health deliberately causing arguments to make me ill and breaking things in my house so I couldn't manage.She is so very violent and hates me intensely/This situation has caused me a lot of distress and low moods, fear and security worries.The police filed a domestic violence report on her.

Being alone makes me very unhappy,I can't seem to find people who will care about me...I meet people and we chat...but without support I find it very hard to socialise...so it gets very lonely.

I need people as I am someone that likes people and wants to share with others...people mean more to me than material things.

I don't know how to handle my low feelings,some days I get moods that are unbearable,like wanting to cry and being angry and depressed all at once.

If anyone can relate please reply to me I can do with some input from someone who understands.

I'm sorry you are feeling that way. I can totally relate to feeling alone. I don't feel this way often because I'm a loner and introvert but when I feel lonely and alone it is so painful. Ive felt very low today due to ENS. I've joined various groups and built friendships so I have people that care.

Have you considered joining groups and building a support system? (((Hugs)))

[Marylin]

I will try and do some art and exercise,I am unable to join groups due to any socialising triggers my PTSD and then I am emotionally distressed and in crisis all the time.I can go watch a film though I do that a lot and it can get tiring and make me feel more lonely.
I am not feeling sorry for myself but spending too much time in isolation makes me feel like I am going to lose my sanity it is scary/Thank you both Olanza_what? and Jennifer for your support.I would never give up I have comes so far through 35 years of abuse and illness ,it is easier in many respects as I no longer revolve through the hospital doors in and out but hard in that everything I do I have to do and manage alone.
Feeling alone is painful.I might go see a film again tomorrow or I may just sat home and face the demon that is me and try to connect with my inner self in the solitude though I am scared of what I might discover there.I seem to be always distracting myself from my inner emotional pain.That isn't good but I have failed so far to stand still long enough to find out if there is actually something inside me to be afraid of.Yes,I know there is a strong,sexual,expressive and creative woman who was beaten up before for who she was and wanted to be and held down and now I am afraid to let her out again cos people hated her and were jealous of her.How do I stop supressing her and let her out cos she is painful to know and meet again?

[Olanza-what?]

Hi Marylin,
I hope this message finds you doing much better. I pray something has transpired to turn things around just a little. It is hard being alone. I am married and spend more time alone than single people, now how is this possible? I also struggle with social interaction for fear of judgement and nasty glares but crave the company at the same time.

I found a medium that helps. I am now in "Talk Therapy" and I see my therapist every other week. I look forward to meeting with her and discussing so many things, even dealing with my physical and mental health issues. Have you ever participated in talk therapy? I find it to be a very safe and neutral environment and because I know that I am going to see her, it gives me the opportunity to think about issues that I want to discuss.

Since seeing a therapist, I have been more social than I've been in years. I am still reclusive and apprehensive but I take small steps and I have improved in this area a great deal, but still have a ways to go.

I encourage you to take baby steps, think about what you want, maybe make a list and tackle one thing on your list at a time. Don't shut yourself out from you cause you are your very best friend. I encourage you to get to know you again, maybe with professional assistance and guidance... I believe it is possible as all things are.

I would love to see some of your art. You can post pictures of it in several forums here, one being "Creative Corner".

Be well and be good to you!





*

[952p65823]

I am so sorry you're feeling so low! I hope you feel at least a little bit better tomorrow.

[Fuzzybear]

Hi Marylin,
I hope that when you're reading this you're feeling better than when you posted. I like Olanza's reply and although I don't necessarily recommend therapy to everyone, I believe that a good therapist can help tremendously.

I'm sorry that people hated you for being who you were and were jealous

I'm sending gentle hugs

[Marylin]

I did some therapy last year,she helped a bit but I had a PTSD trigger and went into emotional crisis and she didn't have a clue how to help she just carried on as normal and this angered and upset me cos I was n emotional and psychological distress and struggling to function.To be honest she wasn't very good as a therapist so now I am wary especially as it costs me out of my own money.I am getting one to one CBT on the NHS in November,for PTSD so hopefully that will help!

I thank you all here for your replies and support it helps a lot and I do feel better slightly.

I will try to get to know the inner me and stop avoiding her and running away from my own power.I am going to stop being afraid of me and not worry about upsetting other people.

[Olanza-what?]

Originally Posted by Marylin

I did some therapy last year,she helped a bit but I had a PTSD trigger and went into emotional crisis and she didn't have a clue how to help she just carried on as normal and this angered and upset me cos I was n emotional and psychological distress and struggling to function.To be honest she wasn't very good as a therapist so now I am wary especially as it costs me out of my own money.I am getting one to one CBT on the NHS in November,for PTSD so hopefully that will help!

I thank you all here for your replies and support it helps a lot and I do feel better slightly.

I will try to get to know the inner me and stop avoiding her and running away from my own power.I am going to stop being afraid of me and not worry about upsetting other people.

I'm sorry to hear you had a bad experience with a therapist. I've had my share as well. I took a break away from them for about 1 year and then I set out to find my own. I did not let my doctor, social workers etc... find my therapist. I am not pushing the therapist idea because I don't want to add stress/anxiety to your situation. You must always do what is best for you and no one knows that better than you.

I hope your treatments are favorable in yielding the results you are hoping for and I am glad to hear that you are still fighting for the inner you....don't give up! She is in there and she can't wait to embrace you .

I wish you well and every success. Be strong and know that you are heading in the right direction. You will make it!

If you don't mind sharing (and if you do it is perfectly okay), please keep us posted on how you are doing? By the way, how was your day?

Be good to you always
Olanza

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Marylin

I did some therapy last year,she helped a bit but I had a PTSD trigger and went into emotional crisis and she didn't have a clue how to help she just carried on as normal and this angered and upset me cos I was n emotional and psychological distress and struggling to function.To be honest she wasn't very good as a therapist so now I am wary especially as it costs me out of my own money.I am getting one to one CBT on the NHS in November,for PTSD so hopefully that will help!

I thank you all here for your replies and support it helps a lot and I do feel better slightly.

I will try to get to know the inner me and stop avoiding her and running away from my own power.I am going to stop being afraid of me and not worry about upsetting other people.

oh dear I am also in the U.K. I was hoping that this time I would be proved "wrong" ....... My experience with therapists in this country was less than optimal. But I was a quote difficult patient unquote

Are they supposed to help people? I think so

[Olanza-what?]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

oh dear I am also in the U.K. I was hoping that this time I would be proved "wrong" ....... My experience with therapists in this country was less than optimal. But I was a quote difficult patient unquote

Are they supposed to help people? I think so

Fuzzybear, I am so sorry to hear that you as well had a bad experience with a therapist. It is indeed hard to find a good therapist in the US as well. I'm sure you were not a difficult patient, perhaps your circumstances were complex and required a well trained individual with compassion to handle it, it sounds to me like that therapist didn't know how to do their job and was bad at it!

[Marylin]

Hello again Olanza_what?and Fuzzybear,
I have had a lot of therapists over the years too,don't worry I don't feel that you are pushing me towards therapy.I would like a therapist I can trust and who is reliable and a help not a hinderance.Some of them have helped others have been useless and seemed sicker themselves than me.Fuzzybear I think therapists letting people down and being useless at what they do is a common experience on both sides of the Atlantic don't feel bad.
Olanza,my day today to be honest was a struggle emotionally and mentally.I was worrying a lot about benefits being stopped or taken away,that said physically it was one of my better days,and I went to see the film Kingsman at the cinema and it was a good film cheered me up a little to be occupied and have my mind distracted.Cooking at home is a problem for safety reasons and cos it is tiring and I burn myself so I ate at the pub and had a pitcher of cocktail to drink.Some days are bad and very bad other days are average,bearable or good.It helps to have this forum and good people like you and fuzzybear as support.I was away from this forum for a few months as I was on another one,but they expelled me so I came back here.

[Marylin]

Obviously I have had my say on therapy I don't think that will help me right now!I feel very very low tonight.I have been asleep all day,I was just so tired i couldn't stay awake.It has been a long day and an exhausting evening,it is so tiring handling all this negative emotion.Worry,anxiety,restlessness,agitation,breathlessness and lots of fear and despair.I am all isolated too.Not coping with all that at all.I feel too hot and stifled too.I need help but there is no one to call.No one cares anyway.HELP!

[Olanza-what?]

I wish I had some advice for you to help you get through this rough time. I will say that if things get to unbearable please do not hesitate to call your doctor and if necessary call 911, go to the ER or call suicide hotline. Take care of you as best you know how, I can only tell you things will get better. Be good to you okay.

Sending love and hugs your way, you're in my thoughts and prayers.









and we are here for you...

[Marylin]

I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.I was asleep all day today,couldn't muster up the energy to prepare food so been surviving for two days on weetabix.I realised my fish oil supplements ran out two weeks ago I didn't have money to buy more so I stopped them and other vitamins,I think the fish oils were helping the depression so I used some of my overdraft to order more.I should be better again then when I start taking them again.Also it is possible I am anaemic as I gave up meat and last time the doctor did tests she said my salt was low.

I am up this early in the morning cos I can't sleep having been asleep all day.
I have been dragged down by memories of past flames that burned me and past family members who never ever cared and one who hated me so much she abused me for 35 years and the abuse escalated to her literally trying to bring about my death.I never seems to attract anyone who loves me and cares about me,isolation is something I bought with me from a past life I believe this.

I am still in a bit of a panic psychologically,being very ill brings back memories of ill health and being abused through it unable to look after myself dependent on a family member whom I now know had an agenda to make my illness so bad that I'd actually kill myself.These last few days I have had the PTSD memories of all that come back to haunt me.My family member know I don't trust her but she makes out like she is a normal person and speaks to me as if she is acceptable and hadn't done anything wrong.I only speak to her concerning my mother's care,she is on police records as having committed domestic violence against me.I have cut her out of my life for 3 years now come October 14th.I have no desire to know her of have her in my life nor any of the past family members that treated me with indifference and humiliated me for the crime of being fat,yet if they needed money they shamelessly demand it from me.

I am sorry now that I hadn't realised I was worth a lot more than they gave and that I should never have cared for them..cos I never mattered to them.

I guess not ever mattering to family or anyone else is what hurts me now cos that is my whole life and I am 53 years old now.

[Marylin]

I've been struck down with another virus,I had it a month ago and now it is back,I have been bad tempered,sweating a lot,coughing and I sneezed.I am weak and still very depressed.I visited mum it was good to get out of the house for a bit.I am anxious and worried and trying not to imagine the worst when it comes to the future and benefits.
Horror stories of people who are ill being denied benefits frighten me,being refused cos they have pets and are on facebook,can read books and other reasons totally unrelated to capacity to work.Makes me so angry but feeling powerless against them but if they try to stop my benefits I will fight them all the way to appeal.The law is there to help us and protect us.
It is another stressful and difficult day today I am physically and mentally ill again!

[Olanza-what?]

Originally Posted by Marylin

I've been struck down with another virus,I had it a month ago and now it is back,I have been bad tempered,sweating a lot,coughing and I sneezed.I am weak and still very depressed.I visited mum it was good to get out of the house for a bit.I am anxious and worried and trying not to imagine the worst when it comes to the future and benefits.
Horror stories of people who are ill being denied benefits frighten me,being refused cos they have pets and are on facebook,can read books and other reasons totally unrelated to capacity to work.Makes me so angry but feeling powerless against them but if they try to stop my benefits I will fight them all the way to appeal.The law is there to help us and protect us.
It is another stressful and difficult day today I am physically and mentally ill again!

Though you are struggling and it seems to you that you are not getting anywhere, know that with each battle, each time you swing back, each time you get up and try, try again, you are getting stronger, mentally and physically and will surely be victorious. A war can't be won unless there's a fight and nothing or no one can fight with out will of survival. If you back any living thing into a corner and threaten its survival, you can best believe it will fight with every ounce of its being, it will have super strength and it will win!!!

The battle is not given to the swift nor the might, but to he that endureths to the end! It's not how you start, it's how you finish!

Now, do a few low impact exercises (high impact if you can and wish), drink plenty of fluids, eat a healthy meal (low carbs), take your meds, meditate, take a nap or do whatever you normally do to rejuevinate (spelling) and keep taking care of you!

Hugs and well wishes

[Marylin]

I am not 100% well yet,but I have got over this last bout of physical and mental decline.
My fish oils and other vitamins came today and I took some and I admit the depression has lifted somewhat.I was able to go see a film and eat at the pub.There were a couple of bloke along the way that I fancy and wanted to make an effort with but I felt under the weather and unattractive ,they didn't seem bothered to make an effort.One of them we spoke and introduced ourselves to each other a while back.He said he's forgotten my name,asked what it was,shook my hand and said what his name was and left,exactly the same as last time.I thought to myself if he isn't interested enough to make more of an effort then I can't be bothered either.Also the fact I am dealing with chronic illness made me feel that no man would be interested in a woman that isn't physically fit so I ruled myself out of standing a chance with any man.So that is that!

I was a bit under the weather still physically,coughing,sweating and the usual incontinence issues.But able to cope a lot better with it all and my state of mind and outlook is more positive.Olanza_what,thank you for your support.I have decided every day I will do some sort of exercise for half an hour plus the physio exercises that I have been given for my posture.

I will be home all day tomorrow doing chores.Sunday I will try and get out again.
I mentally experienced some insecure territory these last few days,bad memories and security fears and worries about survival.I have to do all I can to get well and secure my future.I love that there are people on this forum that care and give support.Thanks you so muchxxx

[Marylin]

I have had problems due to diabetes,my feet went numb,and I sweat excessively when I eat,this is diabetic neuropathy. The doctor said it can be sorted by getting my blood sugar low and keeping it low,otherwise there could be permanent irreversible damage to the nerves.
I was quite upset at the thought I could be paralysed permanently.I am still scared of that.I have to sort my diet so that my blood sugars fall to an acceptable level.
This is depressing news but hopefully it is not too late,the doctor said it may not be permanent damage to the nerves to the feet,the nerves might just be irritated.I have to go for the blood test on friday 6th October and see the diabetic nurse on 24th October.

I am expecting to hear about my turn coming up for CBT,I have been on the waiting list for three months and they said it would be my turn around November time.This is to help me overcome PTSD to help me do stuff that triggers my PTSD and prevents me doing it,I always get triggered when I try to leave my comfort zone.

I will keep up my efforts to improve my life and my mental and physical health.
Thanks to everyone who has been reading this thread and supporting me.

[Shazerac]

Thank you for keeping us posted I'm glad you're taking care of your health.

[Marylin]

I have been on the go today since 6am and am now exhausted.I just ate toast and cheese spread,whenever I eat cheese I sweat profusely,so I am sweating and also have the chills.I was up at 6am,went to my podiatry appointment at 9am then to the internet cafe to print something,then to the post office to send a parcel.Then home and at 12pm the food shop was delivered.I had to check it and store it all away!
After that I hoovered downstairs,that tired me out,meanwhile while all that was going on there were knocks on the door from deliveries of stuff I had ordered.

To make matters worse the taxi drivers I got were annoying,going the wrong routes so cost me more,one was rambling on boringly about his back pain and how he cured it but it wasn't a five minute thing,he went over and over the same stuff about his back the whole 15 minute journey,why me?Then on another journey the taxi driver asked me how much I spend a year on the lottery how many years I had been playing it,and added that up which was annoying and I felt he was judging me for it,then he got really nosy and was asking me if I own my house or rent it,I said to him that's none of your business,nosy sod what does he want to know that for?I felt like I was being assessed as a target!

Then when I got home and did all the chores Jeremy Vine was on the radio ,I detest Jeremy Vine,he does the current affairs show,he sticks it to me right raw in the nerve his views are so biased and right wing extreme mainstream whatever the subject and with so many built in right wing assumptions! If violence weren't illegal it would satisfy me so much to smash his smug indoctrinating face in....and he gets paid over £200,000 pounds to do that job and misinform people and make them into extreme right wing tories.I usually do not listen to his crap unless there is another person on that will challenge his **** to my satisfaction but they don't allow that that often.Today he was shining a rose coloured light on our rotten Tory prime Minister who is speaking at her party conference.He was also talking about what a wonderful thing fracking is and making Greenpeace sound like oddballs.I tell you these Tory pundits would sell us **** and claim it is rose water and that it smells of roses.Makes me so ****ing angry!!!

So now I am going to be upset for the rest of the day.But for now I need to rest because I am exhausted and that has made me extremely vexed and depressed.I want to cry but I can't and I am angry too and that is emotionally very painful to suffer this way.
I have the washing up to do later,and rustle up a meal for dinner.......I also feel mixed up and also I am feeling the cold,I have only just shut the patio door.

I am starting to calm down now,it helps to vent here.....I am not going to move off this sofa until dinner time,early evening,I am just shattered...I am sleepy,sleep apnea had me up three times during the night and now I have come over all drowsy.
Yawn.....!!!I might post again later.Bye for now,thanks for reading this outburst.

[Olanza-what?]

Hi Marilyn,
I am happy to hear that you are out and about. It is good to get out and intermingle with other people no matter how indifferent they may be, it's good for the brain to process information, pleasant and unpleasant, keep the brain functioning you know what I mean.
Lots of us have trouble out and about especially if we are in a bad patch, it seems there should be some kind of warning sign on our foreheads to fore warn folks, but that would be too much like right, right?
My daughter when she was a mere 15 year old had taken it upon herself to seek counseling when her dad and I were trying to destroy the house brick by brick, well one day after a very heated and intense (throwing stuff at his head) arguement she came to me and said that her counselor said "We get to choose our emotions". She said that we get to decide to how to react to every situation that that was the one thing people could not make us do or take away from us. I am sharing this with you in hopes that the next time you encounter someone that rubs you the wrong way or just gets on your everlasting last nerve....remember, you get to choose. I do this now all the time and it pisses people off. Their intent was to upset me or get a reaction but all they get most of the time is a blank stare.....they are clueless as to what I am thinking and tend to shut up talking to me or just walk away.
Again, it is good news to hear that you are doing your best, cause that is all any of us can do and I am happy for you. You may not see it but you are making progress and soon you will be in a good place of mind, at peace with you.

I too have sleep apnea. I have complex sleep apnea, both obstructive (airway blocking) and central sleep apnea (my brain is not telling my body to breath). I am waiting to see if I will be changed from a cpap to a bipap machine. I really like the bipap machine because it doesn't blow air constantly and only gives the amount of air needed. I am still waiting to discuss the outcome of my last sleep study which detected the central sleep apnea. I actually saw doctor yesterday and thought I would get results then, but after listening to my heart, doing an EKG and asking questions about the dizzy spells Ive been having, she thought it best we go straight to cardio doctor, wear a heart monitor and see what's up with my failing heart. I say failing because I have several issues, like; aortic valve disease, thoracic aneurysm of the aorta arch, hypertrophy of the left ventrical, mild (trivial) regurgitation of mitral and pulmonic valve and some other non important stuff. I'm a little distressed about wearing the monitor. I've worn so many from 3 days to 30 days and all they capture are the pvc's, but they have cordinated symptoms with pvc's so that's a plus, but nothing has been done about it. If my aortic valve or aneurysm gets worse they will intervene with surgery and since I've been operated on from my brain to my groin I can see it happening in my near future.

I fully understand the weight of life sitting on our shoulders and almost forbidding us to move, but it is not so. I share all of this with you to give you hope, to keep fighting as I am, to encourage you and let you know that you are not alone.

I hope you have a wonderful evening, even if it means a great nap and good movies, something good to eat/snack on etc.. Today is the first day of the rest of our lives! Enjoy my friend and be goood to you, so good in fact that others get jealous.

I look forward to your next post and am glad that you know you can come here and vent til you feel better (I vent from time to time also)....know that we are here and we care.

Love and Hugs

[Marylin]

Thanks Olanza_what?I am sorry to hear of your problems with your heart and sleep apnea.

Yes well you can choose your reactions but only to a certain extent,when people are being pricks you can't always stay in control...sometimes it is so upsetting you just have to blow.Anyway i don't need advice on how to conduct myself with other people thanks.And I am at peace with myself and I am one of those people who content themselves with what is not focus on so called,'getting there', or 'soon be at peace', I tend to see that kind of thinking as useless crap,sorry but I can't stand to be patronised it is the thing I hate most,that and other people acting superior.

So my daily update:
I have not been well again today,I felt very tired and slept all day.I was going to see a film but couldn't I wasn't up to it.
I can't do with people patronising me,I know I can achieve things and that it is all going to work out,I just want to be listened to not encouraged like a five year old child.
I mean people assume you are their pet project that they need to fix up and tell what to do,I hate that!

I am having to go to an appointment tomorrow morning,and I hope to see a film later.
I am depressed at how empty my life is right now,and how lacking in human companionship I am.I get sad and lonely.But I don't need patronising that I am sure about.I mean look at your own life before you assume I am lacking and have aspirations for mine!

[Olanza-what?]

Originally Posted by Marylin

Thanks Olanza_what?I am sorry to hear of your problems with your heart and sleep apnea.

Yes well you can choose your reactions but only to a certain extent,when people are being pricks you can't always stay in control...sometimes it is so upsetting you just have to blow.Anyway i don't need advice on how to conduct myself with other people thanks.And I am at peace with myself and I am one of those people who content themselves with what is not focus on so called,'getting there', or 'soon be at peace', I tend to see that kind of thinking as useless crap,sorry but I can't stand to be patronised it is the thing I hate most,that and other people acting superior.

So my daily update:
I have not been well again today,I felt very tired and slept all day.I was going to see a film but couldn't I wasn't up to it.
I can't do with people patronising me,I know I can achieve things and that it is all going to work out,I just want to be listened to not encouraged like a five year old child.
I mean people assume you are their pet project that they need to fix up and tell what to do,I hate that!

I am having to go to an appointment tomorrow morning,and I hope to see a film later.
I am depressed at how empty my life is right now,and how lacking in human companionship I am.I get sad and lonely.But I don't need patronising that I am sure about.I mean look at your own life before you assume I am lacking and have aspirations for mine!

I am sorry you felt that I was patronizing, trust me, I was not. It's just that you seem so low and distraught and I only wanted to encourage and lift your spirits and the last thing I do is give advice without applying it to myself first, hint the story behind me choosing my emotions. Clearly what works well for some may not work for others, but what certainly doesn't work is "not trying", that's not advice, that's the truth and so I tried.

I set out to do a good deed, to not be so self absorbed in my own problems and pain that I can't be considerate of someone else's pain/problems. I don't have a hand to lend but I have time to share. It was my heartfelt intent to be helpful, supportive and caring but it was not received as such, for my attempt I do not apologize.

Yet still, I will leave you with this; I wish you every good blessing and a peace that surpasses understanding. May your days be plenty and most of them full of sunshine and hope, may you get all that you've ever dreamed of and more, cause you deserve nothing less than the best. Be well and be good to you always.

Take care,
Olanza-what?

[Marylin]

Today I went to see the nurse for a diabetic review and another nurse for the noises in my ears.The other nurse checked my ears and said there was no wax in them,she checked my throat and said I still had the virus I went to see her about three weeks ago,she said they can take ages to heal themselves up.She said that that was causing the ear noises cos fluid around the ears cannot drain cos of the swelling.I also have a cough,there is no medicine for a virus the body has to heal itself.

I cam home and did the washing up and put it away.Then had some food and been potting about since,been online a bit.I am feeling run down and a bit low but it could be worse.If I have a good nights sleep tonight I will go watch a film tomorrow and eat a curry at the pub.

It is hard to know what to do with myself being totally alone and not always having much money.I miss my niece she is away at university.I see my mum but we haven't got much that is new to talk about lately.I don't see my sister cos she violently abused me for 35 years so I walked out on that relationship exactly three years ago it will be on 14th October 2017.I am better off without her,I am less likely to end up back in the mental hospital with her out of my life.When she was abusing me I'd break down every three years and go in hospital cos she used to deliberately plot to make me ill hoping I'd commit suicide.It is a long story,hopefully it is over now.

I couldn't go see a film yesterday cos I was so under the weather more than the usual chronic illness I deal with,couldn't face going out...it is cold here today also.
I guess I will just take things one day at a time and see what happens in so far as what I can achieve....creatively and relationship wise....my gut is telling me I have plenty of time my fears say I am going to die soon...not sure which is correct...so much illness leads me to think I have not got long left,sounds right.Yet,you hear of people chronically ill living for years to a ripe old age and those that have never had a thing wrong all their lives and whom have been healthy dying young.I don't know if I die I die I have no power over that!It has been worrying me a lot lately.