[MtnTime2896]

According to my T, I'm having certain psychotic symptoms and have had them for a while. So, I'm back on olanzapine (Zyprexa). I'm also back on bupropion since last time I was on my AP my depression sort of took over. It took over because I felt alone. So. Alone....

My best friend lives in an abusive household and has nowhere to go. I don't own the house I reside in so she can't come here.

Possible trigger:

My best friend also wants to kill herself and for the first night in five days she's alone without me.

If things keep up like they are, I'm gonna lose her.

My cat died, too. He was old so it wasn't an all of the sudden. I haven't cried. It's like I know I should and that it'd probably help me deal with it, but tears won't come. It's not like I'm not upset or anything. I just can't cry, even though I want to.

I'm also having to be strong for my mother. She's not doing so good as she also suffers from depression and this cat was hers as much as mine. He died in her lap. More than that, though, she's just been on decline since the weekend before last. I need to be strong for her. It's my job.

Lately, I also just feel so damn incompetent, useless and pathetic. I can't actually help anyone. I don't contribute financially. I can't hardly leave my room, let alone my house. I'm not scared that my therapist isn't himself anymore but I also don't feel like he can help me. No one can help me. I'm a pathetic mess, always have been and always will be. I'm useless and I'm ****ing worthless. Why do people care whether or not I die? I can't believe it's love because love is a lie; at least that's what I've been told.

[Winterbritt]

So leigheas,

I am so sorry to hear about your cat and your mother and your best friend. That's really rough stuff.

You said this:

Why do people care whether or not I die? I can't believe it's love because love is a lie; at least that's what I've been told.

And yet you care if your best friend dies. You cared that your cat died. You care about your mother. Why then, if not because of love? And if it's possible you care for others with love, why could they not care for you with love as well? How can love be a lie when you are here so worried about your loved ones even while you're dealing with your own troubles? That's evidence of love if I ever saw it.

The illness and the medication, they might make it hard to feel loved, but you are still loved. Just because you can't feel it right now, doesn't mean it's a lie. I promise love is real and extremely powerful. You don't have to believe it all of a sudden, but just leave the possibility open. Just leave enough room in your mind to consider the possibility that there's love everywhere you look and it's all inside you, and you're just having trouble seeing it right now.

I am sending you a lot of love right now.

[Shazerac]

We care if you live or die losing a beloved pet is a particularly hard blow. Give yourself permission to grieve. You are not worthless. It just feels that way right now.

[Sunflower123]

It sounds like you are really struggling. I’m sorry about your beloved cat, your mom and your friend. You matter and you are worthwhile. There would be a big hole if you left. Sending big hugs and hoping you feel better soon.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

You're not worthless. Life is full of complications and sometimes they overwhelm us.
Try to see that each issue in your life is a separate one.
You can only deal with one thing at a time. And when your mental health is bad, you might not be able to deal with any.
You sound like a very big-hearted person. But try to accept, for now, that you have limits.
Look after yourself.

[Fuzzybear]

“Love is a lie” it can be, sometimes it isn’t love.. when family or (former) “friends” can’t love for whatever reason. But there is love that isn’t a lie. I’m grateful (selfishly) for your presence here. I care about you (for what it’s worth)

[MickeyCheeky]

I care a lot about you I'm sorry to hear about your cat and your mother. Don't feel guilty for not crying. Everyone has their own ways to cope with death, yours is just as valid. Deep down, you care and love, and that's the most important thing. And you're not worthless at all! You're doing your best to cope with the situation, many people would have already given up. So give yourself a pat on the back You're very strong.

[MtnTime2896]

Thanks everyone. I was particularly low last night when I wrote this. Honestly, I thought it was a dream that I created this thread. A lot's just built up right now. Built up only to be buried, is a good way of putting it.

I'm still not doing good, but I have more of a handle on it. I appreciate all of you

[ReptileInYourHead]

Love is no lie, if it’s a lie then it’s not love.
The lie is that you don’t love yourself. It’s natural to love oneself, not necessarily “natural” for many of us here due to the “nurture” or lack thereof that we received, but genetically natural nonetheless.
Was it the chicken or the egg that came first?
Will we find love for ourselves when we achieve our “ideal” selves, or can we only achieve our goals if we first love ourselves?
It is hard to find self love when we feel we are failing in life, but it is the only thing that can raise us up, in a healthy and lasting way.
Find the love leigheas, it’s there, you just have to accept it.
We think you are worthy, I think you are worthy of your love.