[BoomerangBouncer]

Hello all;

I could write a novel about my life very easily, but I've had too many problems and I'm running out of energy and I need an outlet to try and get some negativity out of my head. This here seems as good a place as any. I'll try and keep my points concise as I know people don't like reading a wall of text...

I grew up with a very critical and condescending parent. He would often jump to conclusions, make up problems and was very sneaky. I can remember times as a child where he would disconnect the gas because he didn't want me using the fire in the morning for example, taking DVD's out of my room at night, that kind of thing. Throughout my entire childhood and teenage years, he barred me from using the landline house-phone because he's under the impression that I ran up a huge phone-bill (I can't be sure whether or not I really did), so if anyone ever asked me for a phone number, I used to say that the landline was broken and keep them at arms length. On the rare occassion I did answer or use the phone, I was chastised for it. It seems so childish now though, looking back but it's things like this that make me slow to trust my own judgement.

I had, have a friend that was close to me during school-years, I brought him home one time. He wanted something to eat so I suggested he looked in the fridge and cupboards for a snack. I didn't think too much of it at the time but Dad did, he just assumed that he was pissing about. He didn't ask if I had said anything, he just jumped to conclusions and started insisting that I keep him at arms length.

I can remember a time when I was practicing a phase with my music trying to get something right, and he told me to knock it off because I obviously couldn't do it and to go to my music teacher and have them show me again. Eventually, I stopped practicing during the week and did most of my praciticing during the lessons to the bemusement of my teacher.

When his then girlfriend (now wife) became involved in the situation, I was suddenly sidestepped a whole lot worse. I simply couldn't do right from wrong. He would berate me for making too much noise, for not making enough noise, for wearing headphones, for not wearing them; for not looking for work, for studying at college, for going out, for staying in. I felt I simply couldn't win, and it was around then when I hit my deepest, darkest depression. It's a miracle really that I managed to push myself through this time! I had to leave college for a week and go to my mother's because I simply couldn't cope with the situation anymore, and I had projects on at college at the time! I had to bite the bullet though and go back because I wanted to finish college, despite everything else.

I moved into my mothers not too long after I left college, but that was just another endless list of problems. Fights, name-calling, game-playing, frustrations and irritations were the game. Instead of dealing with one problem, I suddenly had three; my mother and two siblings. We went through phases of good and bad here, but the bad outweighed the good by a mile. This a topic for another time though.

I talk to my dad as an adult, but I'm wary about what to say and when. We get along a little better, but there's always the reminder that he's a critical fool. I lost one of my cats recently, when I told him his response was 'I told you this will happen. You should've let him out more.'

Sometimes I think the wisest option would be to sever complete connection with my family. I've already done it with one of my siblings (too many instigated physical and violent fights), but I'm alone in this lifetime as it is, and I think severing them now would just make a bad situation worse.

I've looked up spirituality, and I believe I put myself here for a reason. I'm at a loss though why I would put myself through so much hell and torment, the above being the tip of the iceburg - I haven't even touched on any deeper problems. All I've learned in this lifetime is to close the door that is supposed to be love, throw away the key and keep a distance. Sometimes I think that 'love' is such a daft, made up word and it's difficult to watch it with sincerity when I witness it in the world.

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC.

[BoomerangBouncer]

Thank you!