[tillpost]

Hi all, I dont know if this is the right place to post this - so any mods feel free to change it if it doesnt fit the category.

My mom is a troubled woman. I love her and want her to be happy for HERSELF not for me or anyone else. Where to start.. well first of all I'm 20. And the abuse my mom has endured probably goes for past 20 years. Her husband (my bio father, we are NOT close FYI, i refer to him by his first name now and maybe you will understand why as i continue, and yes they are still legally married but basically despise each other too and just coexist for the sake of being able to have enough money to support the kids/ each other, thats just another topic though).

My father, let's call him Joe (fake alias), has abused my mom verbally, physically, and has cheated and gambled more times than I can count. It got to the point where I witnessed physical abuse as a young child and had to call police before. I've seen other women come to my house, threaten my mom, knock on our windows in the middle of the night and all of this happened before I even turned 13. He has stopped with the physical abuse for a while... I'd say maybe 5 years? the gambling has stopped too from what I know though its off and on.. the cheating is... well unknown, but considering i SAW him at a hotel with another woman just a couple months ago is... weird "business partners" he said in his defense.

So now that you know the basis of my mom's history... and this doesnt even cover personal grief (family deaths, personal experiences etc which also deeply bother her), she was on prescription meds for sleeping, but often abused them and still does to this day if able to.

it started I guess maybe almost a decade ago, but it was so on and off - there would be months where she didnt abuse them, and then weeks would go by where she wouldn't be OFF of them. At first it was like.. whatever, people avoided her and she just ended up passing out anyway.

But anyway as of maybe... a few years ago Joe has become more and more aware and starts to take his anger out on her by constantly yelling at her, saying she's worthless, doesnt do anything all day, drug addict, doesnt have a job lazy can't even take care of the kids (me and my sister who's a teen now). during this, she either drunkenly argues back, slurs her words, stumbles around, falls asleep randomly, or just stays sleeping. now that I'm older, I stand up to Joe (i always have) and tell him to leave her alone that YELLING isn't helping her its seriously only making things worse. he usually then directs his yelling to me, telling me I'm "just like her' that I'm the reason she's like this because i never yell at her or tell her anything, that i dont do anything all day I'm worthless etc and then usually curses loudly and goes away.

the truth is, i DO talk to my mom very seriously, i tell her what she's doing to me and my sister that its NOT too late to change, i will help her but she needs to try too etc... she usually either 1) brushes it off and agrees or 2) sobs and tells me she's gonna change which she does and i know its a process.

what can i do? sometimes i get mad and snap and get angry and yell at her saying she's only hurting us and shes abusing my sister by making her see everything which includes joe yelling at everyone (not my mom's fault).

its really obvious when she's drugged up because she'll be acting extremely weird (no pants, slurring, stumbling, squinty glazed over eyes, falls asleep randomly while sitting, and falls asleep anywhere and then passes out) and the problem is she does this during the day for days in a row.

she has a job now (after constant yelling from joe + recent financial problems) its part time and usually on her days off she will take the meds (not every time but it just comes and goes making it very very unstable). she usually just makes food for my sister and joe (joe yells at her telling her its her job to feed everyone AND HIM which i DO NOT agree with dont even get me started) and then she passes out. i feel sorry for my mom because this isn't living, its practically slavery. i told her over and over again she needs to live for herself, but she just doesnt. she goes sometimes 24 hours+ without eating because she's literally been sleeping the whole time.

i just want her to live better, healthier (she NEVER cares for her health and thinks if she's sacrificing her health then she's a good mother which i told her its the opposite) its come to the point where I feel like the second mother, and i dont mind taking care of things i feel like its everyone's responsibility to pitch in. the point is, she's completely checking out from reality and not to mention what the meds are doing to her brain.

i quit college about 1.5 years ago (unrelated to this) and have been home ever since. i would like to leave this place because i just feel its such a toxic place to live in, but the longer i stay the more i feel like i can't leave this place because of my sibling. i dont want her to go through what i went through the way i did. at least with me here she has a sense of normal despite everything happening. then if its not my sister, how could i leave my mom alone with joe? he's abusive, cruel, and overall a really bad person.

is there anything i can do? i know she's depressed, by her lack of care, lack of support, lack of hope, lack of happiness. i told her we can go see a doctor together or just go out and she doesnt really do anything about it.

[Skeezyks]

Hello tillpost: I'm sorry you are caught in such a difficult situation. (I'll just mention, for point of reference that I'm a senior citizen as us old folks are typically referred to...)

Honestly I don't know what to tell you about your situation. My parents, many years ago, argued a lot too. Maybe not as bad as yours. I was an only child & we lived out in the country. On one of my birthdays in my early teens, my parents had a big argument about something. I can just recall getting on my bike & riding away telling my father at least I could have a happy birthday by myself. I had a girlfriend whose parents absolutely HATED each other! Anytime I was ever at their home, they never spoke a word to each other except every so often they'd break into an all-out shouting match! I don't know why these things happen... but they do.

I, of course, don't know how old your mother is. But since you're now 20, she must be at or around middle age. That being the case, she's had many years to become the person she is today. You can't change her. Nor is it your responsibility to try. You talk with her, as best you can, about what's going on & how it's affecting you, your sister & your mother herself. You've offered to see a doctor with her. That's about the extent of what you can do in my opinion.

It's certainly wonderful of you to be concerned about your younger sister's welfare in all of this. But, beyond trying to be as supportive of her as you can be, I don't know as there is a lot you can do for her either. Perhaps if arrangements could be made for her to see a counselor or therapist (assuming she'd be willing) that might be of some benefit. But, beyond that, you're a young adult yourself. It's time for you to do what you need to do to get the ball rolling, so to speak, on your own life as an independent adult. It may be that the best you can do is to simply take care of yourself. And in doing so, you may find you will be better able to be supportive of your sister to whatever extent is possible. I know it's not ideal & probably not at all what you might wish for. But it may be all that is left you. At least these are my thoughts with regard to your post. I wish you well...