[LostIntrovert]

I've never been social, exactly. But in my early twenties I really cared about people. For two years after college I was in a national service organization, teaching GED math classes to immigrants and people who had dropped out of high school. It was very rewarding, and I was good at it, too. I also had a couple romantic relationships with people who shared my disdain for small talk, following trends, and fitting in.

Then I made the mistake of trying to pursue teaching full-time at the K-12 level, since I knew it was basically impossible to have a stable job or make a decent living teaching GED or junior college. The phrase "No good deed goes unpunished" pretty much sums up that experience. I spent most of that year being disrespected by kids who couldn't care less, and scolded by administrators and teacher trainers for "dehumanizing my students" whenever I threw a misbehaving kid out of class. I became very bitter and eventually had to quit because of panic attacks.

The six years since then haven't made me feel any better about humanity. There was a year or two of fighting with my overbearing dad until he finally backed off. A long relationship I had to end because the other person got too needy, which made me feel terrible. I started feeling like relationships just meant being used or expected to be someone I'm not. And then of course the events of the past two years in America, with everyone seemingly in a state of constant outrage. All I keep hearing is "You're with us or you're against us" and "Pick a side," but I don't really agree with either side. So I'm just standing alone in the crossfire. And I'm starting to feel like I wouldn't really care if a black hole just swallowed up all of humanity tomorrow.