[hamstergirl]

It's all useless, folks. So I'm going off the Wellbutrin, the topamax and the respiridal. They aren't making a bloody difference in how I feel anyway. On them or off them, I still feel like dirt. Anyway, they definitely won't stop the horrors that are coming for me in the pain clinic on Wednesday. Electric shocks thru the body to test for nerve damage.

This monster has destroyed me. I was looking at the signatures in high yearbooks. I didn't have that many, being a hermit, but they were there. I was a spunky gal with a sense of humour. I'm just quoting from what was written down in 1986, concidentally the worst year of my life.

It was a mistake to ever leave Brantord. Now it's too late. This disease will destroy me, even on medication. And it won't stop them from doing awful, nightmarish things to me. So I'm going to stay off my meds. (I've been off them for two days at least. I was on it in the hospital and still felt like killing myself. I didn't dare because then they would have kept me in there.

Wednesday I see my psychiatrist and the pain clinic. I'll put my prescriptions on his table, talk with him a little and leave. When everything's finished, I'll go home and deal with the situation the way I should have dealt with it in the beginning. Skip the morphine and get drunk.

This is never going to end for me. At least I can relieve my misery somewhat, if not totally. For a few days at least. It will replace the void in my life and comfort me better than the efforts that have been made so far, though they may have tried their best. It's too late now, I'm finished. I can't be saved. My wounds will never be healed. My fire will never be quenched.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[Peanut61]

Dear (((((((((((((((((Hamstergirl))))))))))))))))): I wish I knew what I could say; how I could help...

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[Peanut61]

I've been looking around this weekend = check this out = it's called the chronic pain and illness lifeline... See what you think...

<A target="_blank" HREF=http://members.tripod.com/~Catnip100/intro.html>
http://members.tripod.com/~Catnip100/intro.html</A>

Here's what their intro. says:

When I became disabled, I felt like my life was over. I thought I was worthless and that there was no way for me to give anymore. Worse than anything I had ever known, when I entered into the medical field as a "patient", I felt exactly like I was being treated as a criminal. I was now a defendant and the "medical personnel" were the state prosecutors. Everything I told them was questioned as if I were lying. They never seemed to believe the truth of what I said. It was like they twisted my words to mean something in the medical field that was the total opposite of the truth. And then, I didn't just feel like my life was over. I thought I was in hell.

I also felt very alone. Having been a nurse for 10 years and always being on the 'patients' side, didn't make me very popular with some of the 'God Complex' doctors, but when I became a patient I felt that what went around came around and that I would be treated the way I had treated others. That didn't happen.

But I found the internet and met LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of people who were just like me! Living in pain and feeling lost and alone. Lots of them had college degrees or were in the midst of a great career and pain brought their lives crumbling down. Well I got as many of those people together as I could and we started this website. Our Mission is that of helping others feel not so alone. And to help educate others about chronic pain so that they wouldn't have to waste as much time as we might have just searching for answers.

They also have help for free most times during the day..

Still come here, too, though, OK?

Fondly, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>