[Nike007]

Much of this is just a mental update for myself; somewhere that I can write my thoughts. Just not the first paragraph really.

I'm not sure what has made me feel this awful. I've been feeling depressed the last couple of months or so, but the last few days have been extremely terrible. I just am feeling extremely sad at the moment. I've also been feeling quite

Possible trigger:

suicidal the last few days and really just wish I could die and all the pain would just stop.

I told my psychiatrist that the last few days have been really bad

Possible trigger:

(and the suicidal thoughts piece too)

. We talked a lot longer than we normally do. She asked me more questions. I think I may have to help her a bit in terms of timeline though. It's been my third time seeing her, and she doesn't exactly know what medications I've previously been on (or doesn't remember or it's not on file) or when I had my previous depressive episodes. I think it may be helpful that I write these down for her. She doesn't have any previous records about me I believe. Just what I've been telling her. Though the records should mostly agree on what I have told her.

Anyways, we talked about when those were. She talked a bunch about how it could be SAD, but part of me thinks it could be, part of it I don't think so. I've been awful in the summer time as well. Not the last few summers, but when my first episode was. And the last episode ended in June, but she said that that wasn't too late, as winters here in Canada can last until April. So then she said to try light therapy. I'm fine with that. I just want this stupid episode to end so I can live the life I want to. I'll try anything (that is more beneficial than risky of course).

But then she says that now she thinks I'm treatment resistant, and probably will have to do combination (drug) therapy. I don't know about it. Like, I am fine with trying it; I'm just scared or nervous about it. I'm scared about being on multiple medications and the side effects. I can't deal with weight gain for sure... I have a medical condition that needs me to lose weight.

And then now I am going off the current drug I'm on onto a new one. And I'm going to be "flying solo". My psychiatrist is through my school, and we have our few weeks off from school before school starts back up again, so neither she or I will be here. She wants me to taper off the dose down each week until I'm at a certain stage, and then add the new one. I won't see her until a month from now.

My mind is just kinda absorbing a lot of what I've been told... I just have been thinking of this the last little bit.

But I am in exam period now. I am suppose to be studying for exams, and I just... can't. Like, I sit at my desk to study, and just zone out into another world. I don't feel like doing anything... I just watch TV to keep my mind from thinking about my feelings.

I did call an old friend from high school a few days ago, and it was nice to talk to her. I felt "lifted" for about a day and a half and then things went back to awful again. I don't know... I'm just honestly sick and tired of everything.

[eye2797]

Stay strong, do the med changes. You will do get through your exams, you can do this.

[Sunflower123]

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. You’re not alone. Sending big hugs.

[Fuzzybear]