Screw it all

So it's all my fault now, isn't it. Blaming everyone when I should be blaming myself. I should just come out of my hole and live in the present and the future. The present is trash. So is the future.

I'm sorry if I'm not Miss Happy Go Lucky and don't reply with a sunny hello to every post I receive. I have depression. So does my family. My family is 500 miles away. My father is still angry at Rick for what he did. He exploded at the mere mention of his name today, so I had to lie and say someone else was coming over.

I'm sorry if this post offends anyone. But it's game over and I won't waste any more of your time with my whining, bitterness and anger. I can't be fixed and it's my fault.

Besides, I'm lucky if I have the energy for one or two posts. I isolate myself,remember? Maybe it was a mistake to ever come on here.

To the person who was offended by my post...go onto a disabled rights website and read some of what people are feeling before you pass judgment. The law does not always protect you.

My parents aren't coming back. I felt real fear today when I heard my father cursing and swearing putting an air conditioner in and I was begging Jesus Christ to get him out. When my parents rang up, I passed two neighbours in the hall and wanted to beg them for help. I feel horrid. I will live my life alone in my hole, but my hole is a lot safer than what's out there. Unless you've lived in one all your life, you don't understand how safe it can be and how scary it is outside.

I will go to the church and camp out under the stars. I won't be coming back here again. Maybe in Heaven, I will know what it's like to be held and safe at last. I want to be held forever. And no one here can give that feeling to me. No one.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

I'm sorry to hear how bad you are feeling. I wish I could be there to somehow help you, or try to help you.

I generally hide my pain very well, too. It can surprise people when they find out how much pain I can have some days. I feel for you, and hope things improve even the slightest bit to help. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hamstergirl}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

What you say that "...The law does not always protect you." is so true! I have seen it with my own chondromalacia/arthritis, and having a disability of any sort and work restrictions does indeed give you rights, but those rights are not always protected. Sometimes I think the government provides more like general guidelines, instead of laws.

By the way, I have always loved the quote on your posts!

Hi (((((((((((((((((((Hamstergirl))))))))))))))))))... I'm not sure what all happened, (and don't need to know), but I hope that you will reconsider and stay here at the board...

I was hoping that things would go better with your parents today [sad]; I'm sorry...



Fondly, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

I am sorry that things didn't go well today, Hamster Girl.

Please don't give up on your life.

I had a friend with muscular dystrophy, completely confined to a wheelchair, had to lift a glass with both hands. And he was one of the most balanced and cheerful people I've ever met.

I know on the outside it looked to people like a pretty girl was going to cheer up old Al, but the truth was, I was depressed person going to Al for comfort and inspiration.

Not everyone wants a room full of people in conversation and laughter all the time, like Alan did. He was an extrovert, and I am an introvert. You probably are, too, Hamster Girl.

But Al will always live in my memory as an example of a person who builds a life of love and laughter for himself, even though he needed help for everything, even to go to the bathroom.

IDepression is so hard to live with, like an awful demon that sucks out a person's will to live and thrive and have fun and joy and delight in life.

I read an article online yesterday that suggested, when we feel that we just can stand anymore pain, we can shift that energy by subtly changing the message we give ourselves to "I can barely stand anymore pain." That has been helping me to change my thinking just that little bit.

I am in a lot of pain and confusion, too. I even had to find homes for my dogs.

I wish I could be there with you, even just to sit in silence and have a cup of tea, and know that there is someone out there who will share the burden of pain and understands.