[childofchaos831]

I feel like I have been fighting with myself for years... it's either depression, self harm, su thoughts, addiction, family, pretty much anything...

I wish I could just give up. I hate feeling like this. I don't want to be here anymore. For a while, the only thing that has helped keep me going is how it would hurt my friends, and the scary part is that, at times lately, that doesn't feel like enough.

The pain I'm feeling is almost too much to even care how it would affect anyone else. I just want to be done. I don't want to keep going like this... I feel like I can't keep going like this.

When I try to tell people irl, they don't get it... they never get it. What's the point of trying to talk about it if no one understands? I'm terrified to be honest with my treatment team, because I cannot stand going IP. I do worse IP than I do outside. I can't stand being "locked up."

I just want to feel better or be done...

I can certainly relate to your feelings. I can tell you that it is possible to get better. Lean on your friends, even if they don't understand. If you need to talk to people who get it, keep posting here. You're not alone.

[Skeezyks]

[MtnTime2896]

I get that, not wanting to be locked up, it messes with me really bad. Maybe if you tell your treatment team a little, just enough to let them know you're having issues but not enough to get you into IP, they could see if it can be solved with more therapy or a medication tweak.

I'm here if you need me, as you've been here for me.

[jrae]

I totally get it, most of what you're saying! some days it actually scares me to think that this is almost all I've ever known - the fighting & struggling with myself, with MIs! and like you, after many years of it, I'm tired of fighting - seriously not sure how much I have left in me.

and I'm terrified of telling a t about certain things, cuz of how they will react. so I just don't tell anyone or say anything - that way there's no pressure put on them or them being placed in an awkward situation. I guess I'm either too smart for my own good or too stupid, cuz I know the trouble words and phrases they look for and strongly avoid them, even saying no to something that should be a yes!

so I hear ya. for me, it's been most of my life - this struggle / this fight. I haven't found anyone irl that understands. at times I wonder that too, why even talk if no one understands?! and yes, I wonder what future things will be like cuz I can't see a future...
(wow - just realized it became 'one of those days' - sorry about the 'downer' side of things)

I told my pdoc once that if things didn't get better or improve, I'd never make it thru the first five years [once officially diagnosed]! um, it's been almost 12 years now - nothing has improved yet somehow I'm still here...

[Fuzzybear]

I have had similar thoughts. I'm tired of being here and I'm just useless. I don't really have advice but I send you hugs and love and I hope you are ok

[mountainstream]

[Crookedspin]

Hi -- Feeling the very same here. I hesitate to tell anyone at all as I don't wish to burden anyone and don't want to hear lovely, well-meaning folks tell me "it's going to get better," as there is no such guarantee at all. Oh and mum is definitely the word to anyone who might bounce me into a hospital. I feel most comforted by opportunities to speak with people who truly understand and understand that they should just listen and not "fix" or spout some "reason to live" that is just going to make me feel more like **** for not getting comfort from that. Understanding others just reduce the loneliness a bit, and that helps some. So, no advice here, no BS, just want to say I also feel like I just don't know how to live. --cs

[childofchaos831]

At this point I'm trying to just make it thru the holidays, and then thru some anniversaries. I wish it would just let up, just for a little bit. I could really use a break, I'm so tired at this point.

[jrae]

I totally hear ya on that one!

the November-December stretch is a brutal one for me, so at this point I'm basically thinking the same thing -> just gotta make it thru the rest of this month (aka thru the holidays)...

[childofchaos831]

Originally Posted by jrae

I totally hear ya on that one!

the November-December stretch is a brutal one for me, so at this point I'm basically thinking the same thing -> just gotta make it thru the rest of this month (aka thru the holidays)...

It's gets hard for me end of January, beginning of February, also, because that's when my aunt passed and her bday. And then end of March, beginning of April for the same reason with my Granny. I'm really hoping to have even a week where it's not so bad... possibly having my sister down for Xmas will help, but I don't know yet. The mother is having surgery the 22nd, and we all get frustrated with each other pretty quickly, so it could go bad really fast.

[jrae]

here's a song that I like to listen to:
"Worn" by Tenth Avenue North

(not meant to offend anyone by this post)

[childofchaos831]

Originally Posted by jrae

here's a song that I like to listen to:
"Worn" by Tenth Avenue North

(not meant to offend anyone by this post)

thank you. i've heard that song before. even tho i am not really religious at all, i do like a lot of the music. it was nice to hear the song again.

...

i am also dealing with some lab work coming back abnormal and getting referred to a specialist now. but holidays mean it will probably not be til middle of next month or later til i can get in... i hope it can be sooner rather than later...