[HappyLeighEverAfter]

A friend of mine

Possible trigger:

has committed suicide.

I knew John for almost 5 years, but like many in his circles, I never knew

Possible trigger:

he struggled with depression or was suicidal.

Dozens of people, if not hundreds, have commented how easily John gave of his friendship and support. He was generous, kind, and accessible. But that's not the main reason I liked him. John was one of the smartest people I knew.

We had similar backgrounds, education, and interests, but in all ways John was far superior to me: wiser, quicker, wittier, funnier. An accomplished writer and broad thinker, he was a joy to talk with. Our views aligned philosophically and politically, as well as socially.

Possible trigger:

I now find myself in the disgusting position of envying him his death. I hate that my jealousy of him getting to be free is almost stronger than my grief at missing him.

I know very well the facade we show the world, having put my own up for decades. I am not angry at John for hiding his depression, or even for dying.

Possible trigger:

I believe he reserved the right to do with his life as he saw fit. Even if his vision might have been clouded by depression.

I am sadder now than I have been in years, and my existential angst which usually stays on a tolerable (not to say comfortable) low level, is on hyper overdrive these days.

Stardust

Anyways, usual support avenues are closed to me today, so I would like to thank this group for letting me join in the conversation, and for letting me put into words some of the awful feelings I am trying to control right now.

I appreciate it.

Leigh

[Sunflower123]

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend and in the way it happened. Your feelings all seem valid to me (even the jealousy is understandable). I’m not sure how to comfort you and I apologize but I wanted to lend my support and help you work through this.

Do you want to talk about it? Maybe continued posting would help? Sending big hugs.

[Wild Coyote]

I am sorry for the loss of your friend.
You have written quite a tribute to him, sharing his qualities with us.

It's so true, we so often do not know who is suffering enough to take his/her own life. It's often very surprising.

It's not unusual for someone suffering from chronic depression to feel some "jealousy" around the fact that another has escaped a painful existence here.

I hope you can find a way to diffuse your pain and your wish to be free of this life. I hope you can fully live your life with contentment. Easier said than done, I know.

Please be kind to yourself as you grieve your wonderful friend and sort through the many mixed feelings his passing has triggered.


WC

[HappyLeighEverAfter]

Thank you to all, I am grateful for your kindness.

I am exhausted and very raw today. John's suicide has left me more depressed and out of control than I have been for 10-15 years. It caught me off guard, and I do feel guilty for being envious of him for dying. I also feel sad and angry that I am only learning of his passing now (it happened a few weeks ago).

I have been isolated and out of touch, so didn't hear about his death right away. Now I cannot share condolences with his friends and family because
A) it would kill me to cause them fresh pain, reminding them of their loss, and
B) what kind of horrible friend was I, not even hearing about it until now.

So I need to let some of these overwhelming emotions out, and here I am...

Thank you for listening.
Leigh

[Anxious Minds]

Sorry for your loss. Only thing I can say is that in time your grief will become manageable. In the meantime try to keep yourself busy so that you don't dwell on it all day. You'll have your moments of grief, accept them and feel them fully. When it passes, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and take another step forward.