[Zedsdead]

I feel my anxiety is the main cause of my depression. I am completely fine, happy and satisfied in my day to day life. I get up happy, I feed my kids breakfast, I laugh and play with them, I go to work in a great mood and most of my days are filled with gratitude and satisfaction.
When it actually comes down to doing something, calling somebody, some kind of errand, meeting somebody.. I get so anxious and withdrawn that I shut down immediately. Cannot do whatever it is that needs to be done and then withdraw into an empty shell. I feel worthless, inadequate and just don't know what the point of continuing life is.

I was invited to a survivors of abuse group last night. I was so excited to meet people and get the much needed support. But during the drive there, I started to panic. I hate driving in the dark, especially to somewhere I have never been. When i got there, I was already shaken up. Being in front of a group of 10 women, I shut down. The entire meeting I didn't say a word. I just sat there holding back the tears.
I felt all those women were so comfortable and talkative, that it just confirmed the fact that I am inadequate. I left, I cried all the way home and today I feel like crap.

I spent 2 - 3 years with 2 different therapists, am on medication which stop the suicidal thoughts.. but now I feel hopeless. I don't feel I will ever get better.

[Sunflower123]

I’m sorry that happened to you. I’ve experienced and do experience this. You are not alone. Do you think you are being overly critical of yourself once you shut down? Maybe applying too many “should” statements? This could be adding to the suffering. What about working with a therapist for specific anxiety coping skills? Or some medication for anxiety? Maybe you haven’t found the right therapist or med yet. There is hope!

I hope you can make headway in this area soon. Sending big hugs and positive vibes.

[Wild Coyote]

You've written a very honest, courageous post!

I can relate. I have been at home so much, I am in initially anxious when it's time to go out for errands and/or to an event. I have developed some social anxiety. Once I am out, I either do fine or I withdraw, depending on the circumstances and the company.

If I were to attend a "survivors of abuse" meeting (or similar), I truly feel my anxiety would be very high. (It might trigger PTSD as well, in my case.)

I think there's naturally a lot more anxiety provoked attending a meeting with that type of an agenda than attending a potluck or a book club meeting, etc.

I do think, with a therapist, you could reach further insights into this pattern and could learn to diffuse/minimize the anxiety.

In the meantime, the anxiety can be very scary and can feel very "punishing," causing even more anxiety each time you are faced with going out.

I hope you will continue to attend outings/events/meetings. Continuing to attend is the only way to overrule the otherwise defeating anticipatory anxiety.

I agree with Jennifer -- possibly meds/therapy/coping skills will be helpful to you.

You are definitely not alone. I am trying to overcome these tendencies, too.


WC

You have already done a brave amazing thing by leaving your H. You have been through a lot and it is going to take a lot of time to heal. As others have said, the way you felt is understandable. I am glad you are posting about it because I feel like posting about my feelings helped me recover from depression so it may help you too!

[Fuzzybear]

[Zedsdead]

Thank you all for the lovely replies and advice. It is very much appreciated!
I'm feeling a little better about the situation after a good sleep and keeping busy. I have decided to not let that keep me from continuing to try my best. I'm still struggling with little bits of anxiety about certain things. Mostly seems to be about making specific phone calls.. I'm going to chat to my doctor about the issues and maybe see if there is something else we can do.
I just feel that I have run out of options for many things.. I had to quit therapy due to the amount of appointments my children needed after leaving my ex, and booking too much time off work. Work wasn't happy about me taking that much time off and that also causes me anxiety!! I also can't afford to go through another trial of meds in case I react badly to it and need more time off work

Things are so tough right now with work, finances and trying to keep us all healthy. I just feel a little defeated.