[BadWolfC]

I'm not entirely sure why I feel like getting this out will help, but somehow I think it will...

Last month I was on a trip in Florida and the Bahamas. I went on a cruise called Shiprocked because I knew it would be a good opportunity to talk to someone who I've spent the past year trying to get to know. That's someone's name is Dustin, and he's the only reason I'm still alive... But also the reason I tried to end my life on January 24th.

Before I get into that, I want to explain the things that led up to it.

In January of 2017 I went to a concert in Chicago, with the sole intention of meeting Dustin, to prove myself wrong. I'd been interested in him for about a month and was somehow developing an attachment. I thought that if I met him, then the feelings would go away because I'd be able to see that he was just like everyone else. But I was wrong... he wasn't. Something about him made my heart literally stop. I've met celebrities before and never had such a reaction, not even to more famous ones. No one makes me nervous. But he did. And that was the day it all became real.

Not much happened at that first encounter. I said hello, gave him a letter explaining that I'd like to get to know him, and went on my way. But about 2 weeks later I attended another concert in Arizona because I was once again trying to force myself to let it go. I assumed that he wouldn't remember me, and that was to be my proof to myself that it would never matter. But once again, he proved me wrong. Somehow, even with the attendance of VIP's in Chicago being at least 50 people, he remembered me immediately when he saw me in Arizona. He seemed like he was over the moon happy to see me, and mentioned that he hadn't had a day off yet and was keeping the letter in a safe place.

Though I saw him many more times after that second night, I never heard from him. I went to 7 concerts to see him last year, almost all in different states around the country. I couldn't let go. It was the lowest I've ever felt in my life, but every time I got to see him was the highest. Finally, Shiprocked came around. I told myself that if nothing changed there, I'd have to let it go. It would be the last time.

I was lucky enough to spend a bit of time with him on Shiprocked. I hung out with him and two of his band mates the first night, and ran into them several times randomly, during each of which he was happy to see me. I asked him a couple times if I could talk to him for a few minutes, but he was always busy. Eventually I was desperate enough to talk to him even though others were around. I needed my answers... I needed my closure.

On January 23rd, I asked Dustin if he wanted me to leave him alone. He didn't give me a straight answer, and I persisted until he gave me one. He said that he has a small circle of friends, and that he can't be friends with fans. I floundered with words for a minute after that, then one of the crew members approached me and asked to talk to me for a minute. He told me that he noticed something was wrong, and tried to console me. I told him all my secrets... even though maybe I shouldn't have. At the end of the conversation, he told me that he would check on me at 8pm the following night, and try to convince me to come to the band's performance later that night.

The next day, I was in a state of shock and denial. I stayed in my room all day except to go to the bar for an hour and a half to get drunk. Once 8:00 arrived, I felt better. But 8:00 passed, and the crew man didn't show up. Then 9:00 passed, and I stated accepting that I would never see Dustin again. That neither he nor the other man had given a damn about me at all.

I wrote a suicide note, intending to end myself that night. But I couldn't do it.

I broke down sobbing for a while, then eventually got help. A security officer kept watch over me that night, and when the ship returned to Florida the next morning, I was escorted to the hospital where I was admitted for 2 days.

That was over a month ago now. I'm still trying to pick up the pieces of myself and assess what to do next. I know that I can't see Dustin... at least not for a long time. By the time I allow myself to go again, if I do, the tour might be over anyway. It hurts to think about that. As absurd as it is, I don't have anything to look forward to anymore. And I guess that's scary.

I think I've figured out why I'm writing this. It's because writing it here means it isn't a secret anymore. Because it's over. And I think I can accept that now, even though the feelings are still there. Maybe they always will be... but maybe I'm just insane anyway.

Thank you for reading.

[Mohammed Bindal]

Nopes, Not at all, Younare not insane at all . You are overtly emotional.

Emotional and deep thinker.

Just try to forget the past

[mountainstream]