[yagr]

I've recently posted about my difficulty discerning whether or not I'm depressed, but I left out one important component. I left it out on purpose. The reason for doing so is simply that my experience tells me that no matter what I say, and no matter what my doctor who has been treating me for years says, they've read enough articles, or they have personal experience, or their girlfriend's dad's dentists second cousin twice removed said... and I literally find nothing more depressing than being misunderstood, or not believed after I do everything in my power to not be misunderstood or believed. You'll know it when you get there...

So here it is: Today I woke up at 8am. I had somewhere to be at noon. I didn't make it. I simply didn't have the strength or will or whatever, to get up, take a shower, get dressed and get out the door. Being out of coffee is one of the best motivators for me, and I was out of that too. It took me until after 2pm to get out the door to go get coffee, minus the shower and wearing yesterdays clothes.

Yesterday I had a meeting to go to at 5:45pm. I kind of had to go because I was the guest of honor. I didn't get into the shower till after 5pm - once again, neither the strength or will or whatever. I prop myself up at the computer, try to watch a 44 minute show on hulu...can't focus on it, pause and come here. Read a post, maybe two, think about responding....one time in eight or nine I pull it off, the rest of the time, I leave and go play a game of solitaire, barely making it through before continuing watching the show for another ten minutes, then here, then... this is not normal for me - not ever.

In another thread here, I explained that one of the difficulties that I have is this auto-immune disease (MG) I've got whose Latin name translates to 'grave muscle weakness'. So I have a physical reason this may be occurring. Too, it ebbs and flows, sometimes better, sometimes worse - sometimes hardly noticeable, sometimes I have trouble breathing because I get so weak. These fluctuations can last weeks, perhaps months. Once I get in trouble, it's very, very hard to 'catch-up' and recover.

So is it the MG or depression? But here's the real wrench in the mix, because I'd be ready to say it's both except for this one thing...

I am prescribed narcotic painkillers. One of the things I absolutely love about my doctor is that when I tell him something, he tries to prove me right, instead of dismissing me out of hand. From the first dose of these painkillers, I found strength where there was none before. I told my doctor about it. He feared addiction, because they are addictive, but was skeptical because it was my first dose. I know addiction, been clean and sober twenty-six years as of Thursday, and this isn't addiction. So my doctor did some research and when he didn't find anything in the medical literature about MG and painkillers, he went to some online support groups for people with this condition and he reported back to me that they all seem to know about this already. Apparently, the patients have figured this out ahead of the medical community. It happens.

Anyway, we've played with the dosage over three years now, my tolerance hasn't increased at all, but it is absolutely like clockwork, I take 15mg and about forty-five minutes later, I'm out of my chair, doing dishes I haven't done for a week, making dinner - and some to put in tupperware for tomorrow, catching up on laundry, etc. I'm not acting manic, it's slow and steady - but it gets done. Because it's addictive, I choose not to take them if I don't absolutely need to be up. Didn't take any today, none yesterday - Thursday morning was the last time I took any so, about two and a half days now. No withdrawal ever, just no strength, which is the same as it was before I started taking them three years ago.

Anyway, because of my ability to find the strength or will or whatever to get up when I take my prescription, I have a hard time being able to identify this as depression. I mean, wouldn't I not be able to force myself up to take a shower, get dressed, cook, etc., even with the meds if it were depression? I really don't know and frankly, I'm reluctant to talk to anyone about this outside my doctors office but a fifteen minute office visit when one has as many chronic conditions as I do...well, it's not one of those things we get to. The emboldened sentence is really my question though, what do you think?

[Candy1955]

I function with depression if I have to, like go to work, cook, etc. But I believe this out of two things for me: sheer determination and pure fear. i believe if I ever one time give in to the depression (call in sick, cancel an obligation, etc) I will stay home forever, and it will be a total surrender.