[LivingInDarkness]

I am on the edge of reaching out for professional help.

I have tried to suppress my depression for over 20 years. I have reached a breaking point and I have opened up to my wife a little bit.
I feel like she does not deserve to here about my messed up thoughts. I have told her about my daily thoughts of suicide.

I feel like I am a burden to her. I don't think she needs to take on my emotional BS on top of taking care of the kids and everything else she does.
After I think about it I just start to feel worse. It is like I can't do either thing.

She has told me that I need to talk to her, but I feel like it would actually be too much. If anyone has experience please let me know. I feel like just my being is a burden enough for her without even telling her my thoughts.

[MtnTime2896]

I have to fight that feeling with my fiance all of the time. For a long time, I quit talking to him about my MH entirely. Come to find, that actually just made it worse. We'd fight more, we'd see each other less and we just felt so apart. He got my attention a few weeks ago and told me that I need to be open with him and talk to him more. I've recently started again and the feeling of being a burden is still here. Still here but is a little more minimal. At the very least, he feels like he's helping (and he is) and we aren't fighting because I'm not keeping **** from him.

Getting professional help is a good move, in my book. It's helped me. Trust me when I say you're not a burden, though. I have been on the other side of it with my fiance and it felt better when he talked to me. I felt like I helped in some way, which was great because I only want him to be happy. He's my world and I want him to know he can always rely on me.

[Wild Coyote]

Hi and welcome to PC!

I totally understand your feeling like a burden and not wanting to unload on your wife. I go through this with my husband; I have a tough time and I do not want to burden him. The trouble is: when I do not tell him something, he thinks I am angry with him. He is concerned when I do explain, but is relieved I am not upset with him.

It's important to share, at least to some extent, with our significant others. Otherwise, the distance engenders misunderstandings and confusion.

At the same time, we also need to take responsibility for our own "stuff" and seek professional help. Our seeking help not only helps us, but also offers both hope and relief to our loved ones.

Your wife obviously loves you and you are much more than a burden to her, I am sure. You are her man! I am glad you have one another; it's a blessing!

Seek professional help before things get any worse. You and your wife will be glad you did!


WC

[Argonautomobile]

Honey, is that you?

I'm just kidding. But my H could have written this. I'm sorry you're feeling so badly, LID. I imagine your wife wants you to talk to her because she cares about you and wants you to get better. I feel the same way about my H.

I don't think you are a burden. But, in my experience, anyway, it is burdensome to live with someone who is very depressed because you care about them and want them to get better, and it is very frustrating to feel powerless to help.

I hope you do seek professional help.

((hug))

I know what it's like to feel like a burden. I like to put the shoe on the other foot. If your wife was struggling with depression, would she be a burden to you? Or would you just love her and want her to get well?

Definitely seek out professional help. You don't have to live like this and you deserve happiness.

[paynful]

LivingInDarkness,

No one can tell you what is the right thing for your marriage. That is between you and your spouse. What I can tell you, is that no one can read minds (that I know of). That being said.... the first thing you should make clear to your wife is that SHE is not the problem. It's not about her. This is something you are struggling with, and you appreciate her and her understanding. That way you can have the space you need, she is aware, but also, you can tell her what you want to tell her in your own time.

When you harbor such dark feelings, but don't explain them or even acknowledge them to others, people will make snap judgments... and those are hardly ever in your (or their) favor.

I can tell you right now, you are not a burden. You are going through something very real and very dangerous. Your silence will NOT serve anyone. Your family needs you as much as you need them. Let your wife know that you are struggling. You need her support. You don't HAVE to tell her every detail if it's too much. But let her know it's not HER that's the problem (no one wants to think you are having an affair when you just need time to sort yourself out). At least, then she will give you the space to have your "bad times" (I hate how underwhelming that expression is but there it is). Hopefully, she will show patience and will be waiting when you ARE ready to talk.

I would recommend seeking out a Professional to talk about things objectively. Someone that is unbiased and won't be hurt by anything that needs to be said. Even if you are not sure that you want to actually make an appointment, it's important to figure out your options before you get to a critical/crisis point. (It's like bringing a life jacket with you on your boat ride. You might not need it right now, but it could save your life if you just bring it with you.)

I'm sorry you are going through this. On a personal note, I have felt this way about myself... pretty much constantly. It never gets easier, but I have learned to manage expectations. I let them know that I am struggling, and that my bad moods have nothing to do with them. I make it clear that I appreciate them listening (not solving!) my problems, or just simply sitting with me in the dark until I feel up to turning on the light. But that is what works for me. I try to keep it simple and straight forward for my family. My thoughts and feelings are confusing enough without my family getting the wrong impression.

Your family sounds like they mean the world to you. The only way you could be a burden to them is to become memory...

Life is pain. Hurting is feeling. Feeling is living, and isn't it a good day to be alive?!
Let some light in, even if it's just to watch the shadows dance on the wall. The Sun will come up tomorrow and all that sappy ****...

[LivingInDarkness]

Thank you for your comments, I do appreciate them.
I started to eat again after about 3 days and I think that has really helped my thinking. Strange what that increase in sugars can do.
I am still tied to that dark place in my head.

Oh and I opened up to her last night. I did tell her that this had nothing to do with her or the kids or anything other than my sick head.
I tried to explain it like this. I asked her to imagine that she was a man. To think like she really was a man but also have totally awareness that she is not. It was the best example I could come up with at the time.
It think she sort of understood.
She told me that she needed me and the boys needed me and then asked the ridiculous question of "Why would you want to give that up or do that to us?"
I knew she didn't really understand at that point. And I really broke down.
I told here (kindly) that it didn't want to but there is literally a separate part of my mind that tells me constantly that is am no good and that my family would be better with someone else. It seemed the most succinct way to put it.
I honestly don't know what she could have been thinking at that point but it actually felt good to verbalize it in that way. It was somewhat of a relief.