My mom died suddenly

Egross96 · 08:52 PM

I witnessed my mom die in the car as my dad drove and me and my fiancee sat in the backseat. We had decided to go on a car ride to Cape Cod, and was having an amazing time. The whole day was great, no one fought, and that being her last day on this Earth was a perfect ending. Even though that thought is comforting, I am having a very difficult time coping with her loss. I am 21, and my mom was only 54 when she passed away.

She wasnt healthy by any means, she had an enlarged heart since before I was born. She was on a medication for it for a very long time, up until last year when her doctor took her off of it because "she didnt have an enlarged heart anymore.". Threw later research I found out enlarged hearts never go away, and by taking her off of that medicine the doctor really messed her up.
Not long after she was taken off of the medication she suffered a stroke. She was then diagnosed with afib (when your heart beats too quickly and skips beats) and was put on a new medication. This new medication was supposed to be helping her, and the doctors told her it was working. I guess her heart was weak (only working at 40%) and her heart doctor thought it was a good idea to send her for a stress test. She died the same day of the stress test and I cant help but feel if she didnt go for that test she would still be here.
In terms of dying, I guess she went peacefully. We all thought she fell asleep, and was just snoring, but what we thought was her snoring later was confirmed was her death rattle. When I realized she was unresponsive, I called 011 but she was already dead. The ambulance arrived and resuscitated her, only for her to die two more times on the way to the hospital, totaling 25 minutes of her being dead.

Her vitals were stable, but she was in a coma and pronounced brain dead the following day. I stayed by her side the entire time, and being her only daughter, I was the next of kin and had to sign off on them disconnecting the machines and letting her die. I feel like I killed my mom, even though I know she wouldn't want to be a vegetable.

I cant help but feel like there was more that I could have done, that maybe if I did CPR that she wouldn't of been brain dead. That maybe if I stopped her from going to that stress test she would still be alive. My dad has hired a lawyer because he believes it is medical malpractice that resulted in her death, but I feel so guilty like I am trying to make money off of my mom being dead. I want to get justice for her but I dont want the money that I could possibly get. Id rather have my mom back.

I cant sleep, ive been either eating too much or nothing at all, I feel numb like I cant cry and like I cant believe she is gone. I keep getting flash backs of her dying in the car and that awful snoring sound she made. I keep seeing her laying in that hospital bed with one of her eyes open and grayed over. I have her ashes on my dresser and I just cant put together that it is my moms burned body in that box. There are some moments when I realize she really is gone and ill never be able to see her again, or hear her voice, or make any more memories with her. I am planning my wedding, and the day before she died we were picking out mother of the bride dresses for her to try on.

I just feel lost and like nothing feels right. I want to be with her, wherever she is, and im struggling with that too. I was never religious, although I am spiritual, but I have been questioning whether she is anywhere at all. To think she just stopped existing hurts way too much to comprehend. She has to be somewhere.

Sorry for rambling but I really needed to get this off of my chest somehow. My family expects me to be strong for them and I have been, I planned her whole funeral with the help of my aunt and I didn't even cry at the funeral. I dont know whats wrong with me.

Mar 22, 2018, 09:12 PM

I'm so very sorry. Big hugs to you!

Marla500 · Mar 22, 2018, 10:48 PM

I'm so sorry

Wild Coyote · Mar 23, 2018, 01:26 AM

I am sorry for your loss.

I do understand some of how you might be feeling, as I was the one to sign the paperwork to take my brother off of life support.

It's a blessing that you all were having a fun day when she had passed.

It might be therapeutic for you to share a few memories about your mom in this thread, if the idea appeals to you.

Please be extra gentle with yourself.

WC

jrae · Mar 23, 2018, 01:44 AM

first off, I want to say how sorry I am! my biggest sympathies to you and your family!!!

second, there is nothing wrong with you - everyone grieves in different ways! that doesn't make one way or another "wrong", just different and unique!!

third, if you'd like, I can try to 'help or comfort you' or just be a listening ear. you see, I've been in a pretty bad car crash not too long ago, and I just went to the funeral for my grandmother yesterday!

I can't believe she's gone and I watched her rapid decline over a week! can't believe i'll never see her again or hear her voice. and I barely cried at her funeral, but have been randomly at times since before her death.

and I did all the "what if"s about my crash too: what if I was only five minutes earlier or later... I had 'flashbacks' as well. and have long-term injuries too!

things are scary and messed up, and at times we can't make sense of them or why they happen. and it's hard to continue to go on but somehow we do. (sorry that's all I gots for now, still navigating my way thru too)

sky457 · Mar 23, 2018, 02:40 AM

I am sorry for your loss...... I wish you warmth, calm, and stability....

LivingInDarkness · Mar 23, 2018, 07:38 AM

Thank you for writing that. It is a terrible story but I am glad you shared it.
I have only been on this site a few days, but I have written my pain and my feelings and it has helped me feel better.
I hope you did "get it off you chest" by writing this.

The road ahead is never an easy one but this forum will always listen when times seem to be at the lowest.

Hugs

Blueberrybook · Mar 23, 2018, 08:20 AM

I am so very sorry for your loss. She was so young to go too, and you are young to be having to cope with such a major loss. My husband is 43, and he lost his mother in December after a long illness (was on hospice), but I have seen how difficult the loss has been for him to cope with. My husband almost never cries, but he could barely stop after losing his mother. Hugs to you and your family

Egross96 · Mar 24, 2018, 08:41 PM

Thank you all for your answers, I really do appreciate it. It makes me feel good to know that someone listened.

Wild Coyote · Mar 25, 2018, 12:47 AM

Welcome to PC.

I hope you find the information and the support you may be seeking.
Please make yourself at home. Jump in wherever you feel led to do so.

Your first 5 posts are approved by a moderator before they appear. After 5 approved posts, you will also have access to chatrooms and to the Private Messaging (PM) system.

I hope to see you around the forums.

WC