[MtnTime2896]

My emotions are at a distance from me. A pretty big distance. After what was happening, I welcome this feeling of not feeling. Last night I felt some emotion: Fear, like always. I'm so damn tired of being afraid. In truth, I couldn't stop intrusive memories and had a full blown flashback last night. Afterwards, I became convinced that the woman (a recurring hallucination) was coming for me. I could feel her nails against my skin and could almost hear her awful laugh. Luckily, with the flashback and the hallucinations, my friend's dog didn't let me alone. She's a good pup and kept me grounded.

I know I'm posting about these things in the Depression forum. I'm doing this because all of these symptoms are wearing me down. My thoughts of hurting myself never stop and they've gotten more intense over the past 24 hours. It's like, I'm numb, but that makes me more inclined to do it. I mean, why should I care? I don't know, I think I'm getting worse. Then again, everything in my head is so chaotic, what is worse and what is better, anymore? I see my T today, might be why I'm writing this. Take down all my thoughts since otherwise I can't think.

Sorry for being so down with all my posts, lately. I just can't get out of this hole. I need some help but no help I've had has got me out of it.

[Wild Coyote]

Your posts are honest; no need to apologize.

You have been going through a lot!
I hope your therapist is helpful today.

You can make it through this.
Don't let depression deceive you into thinking otherwise.
Please keep us updated?


Wild Coyote

Só leigheas
Yesterday, I went to a VA psychologist. When I described to her a feeling of detachment she said, "That's OK, detachment is protective."
You so need a break from your fear and flashbacks. This is why, though I think therapy can be very helpful, sometimes people need to take breaks from it. I am sorry you have been struggling for so long. It is good to see you posting.

[MtnTime2896]

Thank you guys. I'll probably update after therapy. Lately, I'm not seeing much come from therapy other than venting. It's partially my fault, I haven't been moving forward in my trauma therapy. I just can't handle the stress from it right now.

[Wild Coyote]

Sometimes, we must give ourselves breaks from trauma material.
Don't be hard on yourself.
You are doing what you can do.

WC

[MtnTime2896]

Just more crap today. Not therapy, therapy was somewhat helpful, if only to vent.

My little sister did something, I don't know if it was simply self destructive or an attempt. Today's and last night's stresses has been so bad, I started smoking again. Bought a pack and it might not be enough.

I don't know what to do about my sister, I don't know what to do about my friend.... I just don't know what to do and I think I'm heading for a meltdown.

[Wild Coyote]

While you care very much, you have no control over what others do.
Try to clear your mind and get some rest tonight. Tomorrow is yet another day.

WC

[Candy1955]

Try a distraction; not usual behavior; a hot or cool shower, warm cup of tea. A little exercise, a short stroll.

[MtnTime2896]

I can't help anyone anymore.

Possible trigger:

I'm going to be honest, my suicidal thoughts are really bad right now. I'm going to be alone tonight and I'll have ample opportunity.

I'm really screwed up right now.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Candy1955

Try a distraction; not usual behavior; a hot or cool shower, warm cup of tea. A little exercise, a short stroll.

I'll probably go on a walk soon.

[Wild Coyote]

Did you see your therapist?

How are you this morning?

Thinking of you!
Please stay safe!


WC

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Did you see your therapist?

How are you this morning?

Thinking of you!
Please stay safe!


WC

Yeah, I saw my T yesterday. He helped some. We have some plans in motion that should help me in the long run.

I just woke up and remembered how I relapsed with SH last night. I had been doing good and now I'm back to square one. So, I'm kinda down about that. I ended up not left alone last night and had a talk with my friend. Don't know if that'll help but we did it.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Yeah, I saw my T yesterday. He helped some. We have some plans in motion that should help me in the long run.

I just woke up and remembered how I relapsed with SH last night. I had been doing good and now I'm back to square one. So, I'm kind a down about that. I ended up not left alone last night and had a talk with my friend. Don't know if that'll help but we did it.

So you'd slipped with SH.
I am sorry about the slip. You are a wonderful person! Don't let the slip get you down, as that'll likely lead to a downward spiral.
Today is a new day!
Make the best of it!
Will check in later.
Stay safe!

WC

[Candy1955]

i was a little concerned about you so sneaked a log in at work-YIKES- just to say i am thinking about you.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Candy1955

i was a little concerned about you so sneaked a log in at work-YIKES- just to say i am thinking about you.

Thank you, friend. I'm still here and trying.

Now get back to work

[MickeyCheeky]

I often wish I could do more to help you.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I often wish I could do more to help you.

You do help, my friend. I'm just lost in this and it's gonna take a lot for me to find my way, again. Thanks for being here for me whenever I need you

[MtnTime2896]

It's been a hard day and tonight is just as hard. I'm not doing so good. I'm wanting to cancel my plans, shut off my phone and let myself give into it all. Just give up. I'm so tired. I'm tired of fighting everything....

[MtnTime2896]

I didn't do anything last night, obviously.

Possible trigger:

My friend had to talk me down. I had just gotten ahold of him to say goodbye. But he wouldn't say goodbye.

So, I'm still here. I don't know where to go from here, though.

[Fuzzybear]

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I didn't do anything last night, obviously.

Possible trigger:

My friend had to talk me down. I had just gotten ahold of him to say goodbye. But he wouldn't say goodbye.

So, I'm still here. I don't know where to go from here, though.

Contact your therapist?
Your pdoc?
IOP?
The ER?

Stay safe.

WC

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Contact your therapist?
Your pdoc?
IOP?
The ER?

Stay safe.

WC

I called about my meds, so I should have them by tomorrow or Monday. Hopefully the meds will make things easier.

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I didn't do anything last night, obviously.

Possible trigger:

My friend had to talk me down. I had just gotten ahold of him to say goodbye. But he wouldn't say goodbye.

So, I'm still here. I don't know where to go from here, though.

I am glad you have a friend who was there for you!! This is something to be grateful for! Keep hanging in there as much as you can for all the people who love you including all of us you have gotten to know you at PC. You are a sweet, caring person. The world needs people like you!

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

I am glad you have a friend who was there for you!! This is something to be grateful for! Keep hanging in there as much as you can for all the people who love you including all of us you have gotten to know you at PC. You are a sweet, caring person. The world needs people like you!

Thanks, Hoping. I'm trying. And my scripts should be ready today.

[MtnTime2896]

I don't want to spam the boards, so I'll just post this here.

I haven't been able to really eat for almost two weeks (maybe longer, I can't remember). Every time I do, I take maybe three bites of whatever it is and can't eat anymore. I also haven't had sex in so long that I can't remember the last time. It's to the point where if my fiance cheated on me, I wouldn't blame him. I try and every time, I just feel like ****. Same with eating, I feel so damn bad that I just can't. My sleep has been crap, too. I lay there awake for a while (don't care to time it), then I wake up a lot for whatever reason (usually panic), and then I wake up early as hell in a panic and can't go back to sleep.

Once I'm awake, I don't want to get out of bed. The only reason I ever do is because I'll start panicking that something's going to happen and I need to search the house and check the perimeter. Sometimes I just panic about the house not being clean enough (even if I've already cleaned, it'll still look dirty). After that, I just have to lay back down and dwell in my thoughts. The tv will be on or music, but I'm not paying attention to it. I don't care to. I can't bring myself to go on walks anymore, either. I just don't see the point. I don't see the point in anything.

I haven't gotten my new medication, yet (risperidone and viibryd) since the pharmacy hasn't called me. The medication I do have (prazosin), I haven't been able to take. Two reasons; one, because I can't get the thought out of my head that people are using it to control my thoughts and actions; two, because every time I try to take one my brain will tell me, "Take three, then three more. You know what, the whole bottle sounds right." So, I pretty much don't think that I'll stop.

I did SH a few days ago but haven't since. It didn't help like it has in the past. Again, what's the point? It's just another thing that I want to go too far with. I also haven't been able to shave or shower in a little while. Just don't have the motivation. And when I see my fiance or my friends, I'm just waiting until I can get away and be alone to ruminate over intrusive memories/thoughts. I also have been having a problem with human contact. I don't want it. I just do it for others, but I'm hating it (with little exception).

So, there it is.... I'm just feeling ****ing miserable. I can't keep going on like this.