[makeshiftbeliever]

I have been depressed since I can remember (5 or 6 yrs old) and I come from family where they all have mental illness but no one does **** about it. Being the youngest, I was the one all of their ******** behaviors affected. My dad would mostly stay in bed in all day and wouldn't really play with me often. My mom worked on saturday and my sister is older than me and was a teenager out with friends. So I was alone all day. I couldn't really cook for myself so I would survive from pre packaged snacks and would finally get food when my mom got home or if my dad got hungry and would finally do his job as a father and cook for me. That's when I started talking to myself - something I still do which is ****ing embarrassing. Anyway I didn't really have friends growing up and as I got older I started getting bullied by my so called "friends." I didn't go to prom because i had no one and when I went to college I was put in a psych ward for suicidal ideation. Came back home- nothing changed- went back to school - still was suicidal and cut - had 2 friends who I had nothing in common with but I needed someone so - and graduated. Now I live in my college town with two roommates who act like I don't also live and pay my way here. Work is ********. I have been on countless meds and have had 4 psychiatrists say they don't know what to do with me. I've been seeing a therapist but I think she's over me know. I asked her to speak to my psychiatrist and since I filled paper out wrong she technically couldn't. Even though I gave her 2 wks notice BEFORE I saw my psychiatrist - who of course put me on a medication which caused me to gain weight and will put me on Topamax which causes memory loss and brain fog (real convenient). After my last session with my therapist she got frustrated with me and said something that I disagreed with, and signed some paper that they used at the end of the session, didn't hold the door for me (she usually does) and left. REAL professional, *****. She says i'm my bipolar but I've had every ****ing diagnosis I trust no one. Do I go back to therapy (next week) or wait until after my GRE (in two weeks). My life has always been miserable, I STILL HAVE NO ****ING FRIENDS AND DO EVERYTHING BY MY ****ING SELF AND I AM SICK OF IT. I want to kill myself but I'll screw that up and be disabled and have an even worse life. I'll be alone (in 24 never had a bf and never had sex) and I've come to the conclusion that I'm destined to be miserable forever.

[Candy1955]

I'm not qualified to give you advice re: seeing your therapist. It would seem maybe like if nothing has worked before, doing the same things won't work again, so maybe if you see your therapist to you try just a little bit to open your mind and hear what they say like it was the first time. Just to see if you can generate a little bit of hope upon which to find more?
I hope you fine some peace.