[paynful]

Sorry the title rhymed.. lame





So… I’m having a weird day, and it’s only noon.


I can BARELY convince myself (on a good day) to “do life.” I put in minimal effort, because I honestly don’tcare enough. Mostly, I don’t care aboutmyself in the least. I want NOTHING outof life. I’m pretty much waiting to die. It’s barely an existence. Thoroughly painful, there is no silver liningsfor me. I know that sounds very fatalist,but this has been my experience. And I’mnot trying to be all… “poor me.” That isjust how I view my life.


That being said…


There is NO WAY I can convince a 9 year old that going toschool to get bullied (minor bullying, but still) is something he HAS todo. I am literally incapable of cheeringhim up. Especially before I’ve hadcoffee in the morning. In my depression,I’ve pretty much lost the ability to convey emotions through facialexpressions. I know the corresponding emotionsI should be feeling/displaying through a sense of empathy… but I can’t feelanything these days. My depression is a two-sidedcoin. One side is unbearable sadness. The other is overwhelming apathy. I’ve gone into my phase of “numbness,” and Ican’t help myself, let alone a melancholy 9 year old.


So, the 9 year old is home, sick with anxiety and lowself-esteem. The 4 year old… I can NOTtalk through a Barbie if my life depended on it. And seeing as I am a live-in nanny… I amfailing at my only purpose right now. What am I good for??


That was my situation at 7:45am. Since then, I’ve done my “adulting” for the dayby taking care of a medical bill that I was never supposed to receive. (How the F**k does a billing company and thehospital not correspond with each other if my account number for both is theSAME!?! Bulls**t!!) Anyways, I was walking across the street tomail the paperwork, and there was a freshly run over squirrel. Bloody, guts popping out. The whole horror scene. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that littlecritters have had over 100 years to understand that the “road territory”belongs to automobiles. Darwinism andall that. However… I really like watchingthe crazy squirrel family running around out my windows. It was a big one. I’ve been watching it for over two years. It must’ve been a grandparent squirrel. I’m kind of… heartbroken. And nauseous. I couldn’t let the kids see it just laying there in the middle of theroad to get run over again and again. So,I did what I had to do. Used a shoveland moved it to the side of the road. Ifeel like that I couldn’t bury it. (Iknow it’s just an excuse, but the ground is still pretty frozen.)





Either way, it just past noon. I am holding back tears and trying not to vomitall while I can barely express emotions. I am such a pathetic wuss. I washoping if I wrote it all out, maybe I could “process” through some emotions,and do something more with my day… because I just want to crawl back into bedand sleep until it’s tomorrow. Eventhough, I know tomorrow won’t be any better.


No response really needed. I guess, I was just hoping that the rambling, whining rant would help…no luck so far.

(Sorry about the weird spacing/word combinations. It's a copy and paste issue that I don't have the patience to fix right now.)

[Fuzzybear]

“adulting” ..

If you’re a “wuss” then I guess I am too ..

[Wild Coyote]

Great post. Thank you for sharing.
I hope tomorrow is a better day!

WC

[Fuzzybear]

I hope today is a bit better for you

A live in nanny..that’s something (in theory) I could “do” or could have done... but I was told I wasn’t “good for anything” (and I was told it so many times.. )

Sorry about my mini whining rant.

Thanks for posting, I like what you post and the honesty you share.