[MtnTime2896]

What do I say here? I haven't gotten any better. If I had, I probably wouldn't be posting this.

I'm not confused right now. Things are actually really clear. It's clear that I'm a plague to all the ones I love and who think they love me. I say 'think' because the fact is, they don't even really know me. How can one love another without truly understanding them? Maybe 'love' is just an illusion people manifested to feel less alone.

Me, I always feel alone. Every day, every minute, second... I'm so damn alone. My T says that's a product of PTSD, that so many others with the illness understand this. Thing is, I've felt this way my entire life. I've never had a single day where I didn't. Yes, I have very early trauma, but you'd think that I'd at least have a connection with my family who'd understand. They don't, though. Only one who might is my mom but I can't tell her these things. She's got so much to deal with, she doesn't need me burdening her further.

At the end of the day, that's all I am. A burden. A parasite. I feed off the people I love since I haven't been able to work. Can't even pay for my own toilet paper to wipe my ***. I haven't even been able to take care of myself. Been a long time since I even washed my clothes. I know I stink. I know I'm disgusting to even look at. Hell, I won't even look into a mirror. And right now, I'm plaguing this site with my "poor me" bull****.

This world isn't real, it's just another illusion. Only real thing about it is the pain it provides. I think I need to leave whatever the hell all of this is. With me gone, maybe this "reality" will be better off. Everyone will see what I'm talking about. Once I'm gone, things will be better here.

[qwerty68]

I can say without hesitation that this world would be a far worse place without you in it, my friend.

[Chez3]

You are no plague. Listen, your family cares about you. Even if they don't really know you. It's unconditional love. Talk to them. They might be shocked at first, but they will get over it and learn to love the real you. More tears have been shed over unspoken words and lost opportunities than anything else.

[Fuzzybear]

[Shazerac]

I’ve been going through a very similar experience lately. It got triggered by a flashback fro a PTSD episode I had in the dentists office.

PTSD can cause profound loneliness. I’ve felt that way my whole life even in a house with 5 siblings. I go through periods where I feel like no one understands me or knows me. And that if they don’t how can they love me.

It has to be a symptom of my bipolar and ptsd because all evidence is to the contrary. For some inexplicable reason everyone I know seems to love me and go out of their way to be kind and helpful when I’m struggling. My husband goes out his way everyday to show that he loves me. It’s confusing because I feel totally worthless and unlovable.

[MtnTime2896]

My head's all messed up, one second I'm fine and the next....

I can handle the confusion, I can handle the occasional delirium, I can handle the depression, I can handle the irritability, I can handle the distrust in everyone and everything, I can handle the dead beckoning me to join them. I can handle all of that. It's feeling this loneliness that's making me want to give up. I'm not even sure that the option is "giving up".

The things I've seen, no one can even attempt to image it, nor would I want them to. The things I still see that no one else can, no one can understand it.

Pain is real. It's the realest thing about this world. This realm. I think it's the only thing that ties all of the dimensions together. Everyone has felt some kind of pain. Yet, pain isolates, causing more pain. What if I'm the source of their pain? What if I'm the cause behind them hurting so damn much? Cut off the source of the pain, right?

[Fuzzybear]

[CepheidVariable]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

And right now, I'm plaguing this site with my "poor me" bull****.

I've been struggling enough that I haven't really been in this sub-forum for quite some time. So maybe it's no longer really for me to say, but please go on posting. There always seems to be someone here looking to help in any way they know how. I wish I could be more help to you. I will try when I can. When I needed help the most and cried out for help, there was no one there. It's not BS. I know. If you didn't care, it wouldn't hurt so much.

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

How can one love another without truly understanding them? Maybe 'love' is just an illusion people manifested to feel less alone.

I don't know. My family was dutiful and caring, but it never felt like love. Nor have I experienced love in any other capacity. People struggle to define love and fall back on "you will know when it's love". Well, I've never known in almost half a century. Which hurts more than anything else.

But I do know compassion. That, at least, is something. I hang on to that.

[CepheidVariable]

Originally Posted by Chez3

More tears have been shed over unspoken words and lost opportunities than anything else.

Thank you for this.