Long rant

mulan · 06:01 PM

What a day.
It started with an one our ride... A lunch... Another one hour ride back. Two different people. I did fine, being tired and feeling distant as always. Some of those days I start the engine and keep going without thinking twice. I packed a benzo just in case, I didn't use.
But was changeling for me.

Then stupid discussion with sister... then mother comes to visit and brings dinner, big discussion with mother, she uses her best psychological blackmail and threatens to go away twice, she leaves, she comes back, I do what she wants, we three argue again, she threatens to leave and acuse us of being bad daughters, sister does what she wants, she goes to the door once and comes back to let sister finish. She goes for good. I start crying because I feel nervous and missunderstood. But there's the food mother and father brought. So sister calls and they come in again and have dinner with us. Parents talk like their usual emotionaly disconnect self.
Sister is upset, she takes it on me as usual, I get upset by her arrogant, cynic tone, her orders... I talk back to her, ask her to stop being like that to me. Father and mother join to say my behavior is not acceptable (it's horrible as father calls it), I feel alone and angry and start crying as I continue to explain myself, mother turns a bit to my side (which is completly unusual as she always prefers my sister). In the meantime father leaves and comes back to say the neighbors can hear everything. In a matter of moments everybody leaves.
What a mess! I stay home alone crying. It hurts me how my sister criticizes me all the time, gives me orders all the time and argues with me the few times I don't follow her orders. I think is so unfair. We talk about her interests and problems old the time, I barely talk about me. I do almost anything she asks whether I want to do it or not (mostly shores, but also stuff like massaging her which is never good enough for her). She tells me what to do "You are going to vacuum clean the house", I do it, I rather tell her "The bathroom is dirty, we need to clean it" and some times I ask "would you mind doing it?", if she does I feel like I have to give her something back. Our relationship is very asymmetric, but it has been more.

Well, mother is guided by something different than human empathy. She only can see her side of things and when someone begs to differ she dresses the victim shoes. It torns me, because guilt is planted on me. But suddenly we are a family because we are all sited at the same table talking about superficial things or answering all of her unnecessary, intrusive, shot question. (like I went to dinner with X... "where did you go?" "who is X?" "what does X do?" "where does x lives?" "what do x parents do?"...and so one, all factual questions you can remember, without a logical porpuse, always involving someone's boyfriend and girlfriend! I feel like I can't tell my mother anything and she always has the worst emotional responses specially when you need it. It's unnerving.