by all accounts I had a wonderful day/weekend but I am afraid I'm heading for a breakdown.

I went to a music store. I went walking in town. I was going to go the park, but I ran out of time.

I did two loads of laundry.

I ate some eggs.

I read a bit of a book which will help me in a certain field.

I made progress on a poem.

I went to the library and figured out my card and borrowed some books about audio work.

This morning I think I was worried about somethings and did something unhealthy. it just felt right to do the unhealthy thing.

I figured out how to save money on transportation.

I researched skateboards. I took a shower.

I need to take another shower again tonight but I am so tired.

it hurts.

I feel like it's good that it hurts, because it slows me down. I perform better when I notice myself.

all these good things happened but I feel weird. today I told myself to listen to my instinct that I needed more time to process moving to a new apartment. so I let myself skip several appointments to see places. I went to look at music, my other "interest". I don't feel good about indulging myself, even though music is kind of my field of work and it would really help me to know more about these things.

I don't think I'm very good at my job either. Maybe I should take some time and wait a bit. Either a result of my personal naivety and worthlessness, or a result of not being able to be productive in following through on things. Which is why I need to slow down. I worry too much. I don't know how to act, I have no passion, I have no personality. I wonder if people look at me and see a void.

I can't keep living like this. It will end, if not now, then later, in suicide if I don't get better.

I'm heading for a breakdown. There has just been too much going on. It's all just building up and I have a bad feeling in my stomach.

I'm worried I can't handle all these things I did this weekend. I can only handle being depressed.

It's usually best not to do or say anything. I just need to slow down.

I also want to apply for an internship.

also I think I am exhausted from interacting in male dominated work environment

father issues. I'm tired. and I keep acting out a depressed husk because THAT IS WHAT HE LIKED FROM ME.

Geez. I'm not adjusting well.

[smallbluefish]

it sounds like you're handling a lot emotionally, and it totally makes sense to be tired. I hope you are able to slow down, like you've helpfully pointed out--getting out of bed can be a task, sometimes let alone all that stuff you've done in your day.

it also sounds like you're in a loop where you're not feeling very gentle towards yourself... is that right? do you have immediate supports or a "safety plan" in case you feel close to something like suicide (e.g. trusted professional or clinic, crisis helpline numbers, or something as simple as a an object or song that calms you down etc.)?

sending good energy!

[Fuzzybear]

...“Keep acting out a depressed husk because “that is what he liked from me”

Insightful

(Father issues here too )

[Bill3]

I keep acting out a depressed husk because THAT IS WHAT HE LIKED FROM ME.

Right now there is an exhibition at the New York Botanical Garden of Georgia O'Keeffe Hawaii paintings.

https://www.nybg.org/event/georgia-o...he-exhibition/

There is a very wise quote from her that is given prominence at the exhibition. In speaking about going to a new place, she says:

Maybe the new place enlarges one's world a little. Maybe one takes one's own world along and cannot see anything else.

It sounds like you are working on going to a new place--not so much a new physical location as a new way of being in the world. The new activities you describe testify to that. But the old place, the old way of being--the one you had to dwell in for many years--tags along as well. Up until recently, that place was all that you knew. Your body and mind still go to it instinctively.

It will take time for the new place to be the one that your body and mind go to by instinct. The one that you dwell in. This is why what you said--I perform better when I notice myself.--is true at the moment. When you notice yourself, you have a better chance to guide yourself by mind rather than by old habit, by old instinct.

A person can take up swimming but it will take time for the swimming to create noticeable, sustainable physical and mental changes. The same goes for your travels to your new place. When you are active in a more free and healthy way, as you described for much of what you did on the weekend, you are on the path of healthy change.

The path of healthy change may feel alien, since it is a path that is new to your body and mind. My thought is to stay on the new path in spite of the feelings of alienation. On the new path, over time, you will gradually experience change, growth, healing. You will begin to experience wonder at your new self. You will begin to experience peace with yourself.