[MtnTime2896]

I've always believed that there are certain crimes/actions a person should rarely ever be forgiven for, let alone be able to live with and come back from. What happens when I'm the one who's that person?


This, this right here is what happens. Therapy won't help because it can't change what I did. Medication will never numb out the guilt I feel every single second of every single day.

Maybe, I'm one of those people who truly deserve this. This misery and torment that's never ending, it's mine. I earned this. So, why do I even 'think' I deserve any kind of help or comfort? I don't. And for the sake of the universe's balance, I hope I never do.


As soon as this life is over for me, I'm sure I will be trapped inside of a hell fit for a monster like me. Let me burn, let me freeze, let me beg on my knees, but please god don't let me off scott-free.

[MtnTime2896]

"I'm running from my shadow
Running from my shadow but it’s still there chasing me down
I’ll never win the battle
Never win the battle and I should have known it by now
Just when I think I’ve found the end / ohhh
I’m going back around again / ohhh
Running from my shadow
Running from my shadow but it’s still there chasing me down
....
Running from my shadow now my shadow is my only friend"

-Mike Shinoda ft.grandson, 'Running From My Shadow'.

[Candy1955]

How is it, I wonder, that you are in such abject pain but yet you can communicate so beautifully...and the advice and compassion you show others is so sincere and responsible. I am amazed by you and envious of your strength.

You're not a monster, you can't change the past but you can build some sort of a future for yourself

[mote.of.soul]

Yes, I can understand carrying regret and sorrow for past indiscretions, very much so. But just remember, you're only human, imperfect, trying to grow and change. You've probably suffered enough now for whatever it is you did, so it's time to let it go. You didn't create this world, this universe, or even yourself, so it's very difficult to judge oneself accurately when the the entire picture isn't known. Try to let it go now please, you've suffered enough. Hugs.

[MickeyCheeky]

You're not a monster at all - but even if you think you are, don't you also think you have suffered enough already? I hope you'll feel better very soon and start seeing yourself as the beatiful person that you truly are.

[MtnTime2896]

I won't detail my sins, I carry too much shame to do that. What I do now and in the future will never make up for them. Trust me, I've tried.

If I claim I've been tortured enough, there's only one thing left to do to make it stop. In some sick way, this punishment is keeping me "alive".

[Fuzzybear]

((((((( So leigheas )))))))

You’re so kind, supportive and intelligent on here. I’ve never once seen a mean post from you directed at anyone here. And I’m here a lot

Whatever it was you did, I hope that one day you can forgive yourself

You’re loved on here (much more than I am... I tend to attract negativity at times wherever I go )

I hope you find peace my friend ... I don’t want to be here on this planet either. But I’m still here.

Love to you

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

((((((( So leigheas )))))))

You’re so kind, supportive and intelligent on here. I’ve never once seen a mean post from you directed at anyone here. And I’m here a lot

Whatever it was you did, I hope that one day you can forgive yourself

You’re loved on here (much more than I am... I tend to attract negativity at times wherever I go )

I hope you find peace my friend ... I don’t want to be here on this planet either. But I’m still here.

Love to you

((((Fuzzybear))))

I'm not more loved here, Fuzzy. At the end of the day, I'm not nearly as cuddley.

[introspectiveme]

Maybe feeling like a monster is a side effect of being a sensitive, caring person

But you’re not actually a monster

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by introspectiveme

Maybe feeling like a monster is a side effect of being a sensitive, caring person

But you’re not actually a monster

I'll admit I had to think about this. But what I've done is so screwed up that there has to be something wrong with me.

[introspectiveme]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I'll admit I had to think about this. But what I've done is so screwed up that there has to be something wrong with me.

Well I don't have to know what it is

But the only person constantly judging you, is you

If it's something you did to someone else, maybe they don't think of it as strongly as yourself

[marvin_pa]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I'll admit I had to think about this. But what I've done is so screwed up that there has to be something wrong with me.

A monster would never feel guilt or anguish for wrongs they may have committed (or blamed themselves for) let alone care enough to remember doing so. The feelings you describe would indicate a typical human being, complete with usual flaws & perhaps, an untypical self awareness and sensitivity to those flaws.

[Purple Hat]

I'm new here and only know of you what your friends have said. You may or may not be a monster, none but you can really know. Perhaps in an earlier time or in a moment of horrible choices to make you were, for a short time what feels like an everlasting moment, a monster. What I do know is about is shame and regret. These are two of the truly everlasting shadows that cause the great pain you feel in your belly now, causing you to howl. Howling and writhing will not help. Only in finding ways to make amends will all you to forgive yourself.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Sometimes I feel like you too. What helps me is my faith in the Bible. In the Bible there are accounts of men and women who have done some really bad stuff and yet were not only forgiven but used for good by God to change and effect the human race for centuries. An example, King David committed premeditated murder, yet God honored him once he repented.

I don’t know what your faith is, but I encourage you to seek forgiveness, if possible, from those you offended and try to make reparations. If you have already done that or done your best to do that, then that is all you can do. It has been said already by others but, what’s done is done. By not allowing yourself to move forward with life, you aren’t helping those people you might have wronged. All you are doing is compounding the harm because you are making someone else suffer: you. Additionally, the potential for good to come from your life is being squashed because you are limited by the past.

I have not yet learned to forgive myself either. I don’t deserve forgiveness. Very few humans do. But we can and do forgive each other and God forgives us too. I am a work in progress and I am trying not to live in the past. I know how difficult that can be. I just hate to see you so tormented by the past. You have a chance at a future that can be very different.

I am not familiar with any of your other posts but couldn’t help but notice several people mentioned how kind and compassionate you are here in the forum. That’s not coincidental. What a wonderful quality to have! To quote a song,”what the world needs now is love sweet love. No not just for some, but for everyone.” It sounds like you have that for others and you have the ability and the courage to show it. I applaud you for that. I also ask you to try treating yourself that way.

That’s a technique that helps me. If I am in turmoil, I will pretend that a close friend is in that situation and figure out what I would say to her, how would I treat her? Then I try to do that for myself. It’s not always easy and takes practice but it does help. I hope something I have said helps you.