I m in a very foul mood today - I woke up around 8am but started feeling sick and depressed - that made me very angry and I stayed in bed till 11. I am up now but I m still in a foul mood. I m sick and tired of this illness, I was doing whatever is needed to fight it ... make a daily plan and push myself to do whatever I have to do though it's hard bc once I do it I'm supposed to feel better ... but it's making me feel worse. The tension is wearing me out. I don't have the mental and physical strength to carry on any more.

I was trying to go out to the grocers in the first half of the day bc I should be going out as much as I can but I started getting panic attacks before I had to go out and was falling sick. Moreover it's too hot over here and I don't have a car, so going out in the late morn or noon was making me sick. And I can't get up early yet so I can't go out early. So I gave that up but the thought that I failed is making me a lot irritated and frustrated. I am slowly trying to get up a little early every day but I don't succeed most of the times and it would take me several months before I can make it and be able to go out in the morn. How hard I'll have to try and how long I'll have to wait to get results is getting me impatient. I am giving up.

I get panic attacks when I go out for my eve walks as well, but still I will try to continue it bc I need to lose weight. If I don't exercise very soon I'll look like a pumpkin. Still it's very hard.

Next my stupid brain. I wasn't a bad student, though not too intelligent. But nowadays my brain doesn't seem to work at all. I am having difficulty even processing simple information. I was trying to read Linehan's DBT manual and also study some grade 7-8 science stuff but I can't understand or remember even such simple stuff. So I'll have to give up that too and restrict myself to reading only story books or watching tv. I am fed up with myself. I feel like killing myself and everybody else for that matter I m so frustrated. I wish God didn't at least take away my intelligence! What did I do to deserve this?

Next I am hungry but I am so depressed that most of the times I can't even make myself a sandwich. Why am I so lethargic? I want to yell and cry.

Same with laundry. Currently my mom is helping me with it in fact doing the laundry for me and I feel so ashamed of myself. Maybe I could keep a day in a week aside for laundry and don't do much of anything that day except brush my teeth and shower. Maybe only then I'll be able to manage it. Same with cleaning my house. Maybe I'll have to keep a day aside for only for cleaning and not do much of anything on that day apart from cleaning.

Well, I feel too sad and frustrated with myself. I can't function and do everything like everybody else does. I feel handicapped and I feel like a failure.

I need help!

[mote.of.soul]

I know. Depression is one of those things that tries to bring the whole person down - body, mind, and spirit. Please keep fighting Desiree2006, and just know you're not alone - it's a cliche, yes, but it something that helps me when I'm struggling as well - the connection in our sufferings. We are like a family here - a family of fighting spirits - and we will get through these struggles. Stay strong within yourself Desiree2006, it will be okay.

Originally Posted by mote.of.soul

I know. Depression is one of those things that tries to bring the whole person down - body, mind, and spirit. Please keep fighting Desiree2006, and just know you're not alone - it's a cliche, yes, but it something that helps me when I'm struggling as well - the connection in our sufferings. We are like a family here - a family of fighting spirits - and we will get through these struggles. Stay strong within yourself Desiree2006, it will be okay.

Thank you!

[little turtle]

how can we help desiree

[Candy1955]

Yes, how can we help you? You do so much for us.

[NickiBlueSC2]

I suffer from Depression as well. My mood goes bad around 3 pm everyday. I sit here and go... why me.. but I'm working threw it. I hope your mood gets better!

Originally Posted by little turtle

how can we help desiree

If you have any suggestion/advice for me that may be of help?

Originally Posted by Candy1955

Yes, how can we help you? You do so much for us.

If you have any suggestion/advice for me that may help me.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

So sorry you're in despair!

Bug hugs.

Please do remind yourself that depression is a physical illness, just like any other.

If you had a broken leg or damaged spine, you wouldn't be beating yourself up for the restrictions it placed on you.

I feel for you!

I'm sure this will get better. It needs patience. (But I realise that isn't easy to accept, when every minute is hard to get through).

The panic attacks / not wanting to go out seems to be upsetting you the most at the moment?

Maybe just focus on that (and flatly refuse to think about the other issues you've mentioned, like weight loss or irregular / over sleeping.

With your poor, tired mind, you can't think about everything at once (hugs).

Desiree, it's many years since I had the kind of agoraphobia panic attacks you're describing. That's a good thing! I was really stuck! If I could recover from it, anyone can.

I was sleeping all day and awake all night. Eating junk food and chocolate, to cheer myself up. Miserable trudges to the supermarket and back were the only times I went out. Panic attacks during that short trip (I couldn't bear for anyone to look at me). Sometimes I'd just grind to a halt, and stop walking. I'd have to pretend I needed to tie my shoelaces, to explain why I was just standing there in the middle of a street.

The thing that turned it around for me was finding a reason to get out. Something I wanted to do. I've always loved swimming, but undressing etc seemed too tough. I managed to buy or borrow an old bicycle. This sounds funny, probably, but there was no way I was up to riding it on the road. Instead, I wheeled it to a nearby park, got on, and rode in slow circles around the park.

Wow.

The feeling of pleasure (in my own body, and the smells and freshness of the park) was almost instant.

I looked around. There was hardly anyone in the park. I relaxed more. It really was, even in my frazzled state, fun.

Is there something like that you can do for a few weeks?

It really was a turning point for me.

Everything else in life had become difficult and painful. But giving myself permission to just do this one pleasurable thing for time being, and not worrying about anything else, really did help.

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

So sorry you're in despair!

Bug hugs.

Please do remind yourself that depression is a physical illness, just like any other.

If you had a broken leg or damaged spine, you wouldn't be beating yourself up for the restrictions it placed on you.

I feel for you!

I'm sure this will get better. It needs patience. (But I realise that isn't easy to accept, when every minute is hard to get through).

The panic attacks / not wanting to go out seems to be upsetting you the most at the moment?

Maybe just focus on that (and flatly refuse to think about the other issues you've mentioned, like weight loss or irregular / over sleeping.

With your poor, tired mind, you can't think about everything at once (hugs).

Desiree, it's many years since I had the kind of agoraphobia panic attacks you're describing. That's a good thing! I was really stuck! If I could recover from it, anyone can.

I was sleeping all day and awake all night. Eating junk food and chocolate, to cheer myself up. Miserable trudges to the supermarket and back were the only times I went out. Panic attacks during that short trip (I couldn't bear for anyone to look at me). Sometimes I'd just grind to a halt, and stop walking. I'd have to pretend I needed to tie my shoelaces, to explain why I was just standing there in the middle of a street.

The thing that turned it around for me was finding a reason to get out. Something I wanted to do. I've always loved swimming, but undressing etc seemed too tough. I managed to buy or borrow an old bicycle. This sounds funny, probably, but there was no way I was up to riding it on the road. Instead, I wheeled it to a nearby park, got on, and rode in slow circles around the park.

Wow.

The feeling of pleasure (in my own body, and the smells and freshness of the park) was almost instant.

I looked around. There was hardly anyone in the park. I relaxed more. It really was, even in my frazzled state, fun.

Is there something like that you can do for a few weeks?

It really was a turning point for me.

Everything else in life had become difficult and painful. But giving myself permission to just do this one pleasurable thing for time being, and not worrying about anything else, really did help.

Thanks for your reply. Currently there's nothing that seems to interest me. Life seems like a drudge.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Big hugs, Desiree

[little turtle]

it is ok desiree to just be where you are...it is awful but try not to fight it so much..
you are having trouble now...has anything happened with any of your relationships..
I just thought of something.. dr Claire weekes wrote a book------MORE HELP FOR YOUR NERVES...it helped me...

Originally Posted by little turtle

it is ok desiree to just be where you are...it is awful but try not to fight it so much..
you are having trouble now...has anything happened with any of your relationships..
I just thought of something.. dr Claire weekes wrote a book------MORE HELP FOR YOUR NERVES...it helped me...

yeah I will try not to fight it so much. My relationships are just as they were...nothing's changed. But I can't read anything....my brain simply refuses to process any information. I can't understand or remember even simple stuff.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

Big hugs, Desiree

Desiree

[Candy1955]

Do you have pets? Or plants? I know you can't read, but can you write?

[CepheidVariable]

I'm sorry Desiree


(I can no longer write tonight )

Originally Posted by Candy1955

Do you have pets? Or plants? I know you can't read, but can you write?

I don't have pets. My dog died some years back and I haven't had a pet since then. I had plants. I was taking care of them, but they were all dying due to some reason - that was making me unhappy, so I decided not to keep plants any more.

Yes I can write.

Originally Posted by little turtle

it is ok desiree to just be where you are...it is awful but try not to fight it so much..
you are having trouble now...has anything happened with any of your relationships..
I just thought of something.. dr Claire weekes wrote a book------MORE HELP FOR YOUR NERVES...it helped me...

Well I found out something - the anti-psychotic amisulpride I was taking was causing me mild akathasia and that was adding to my anxiety. I haven't been on it for one night and I m feeling the difference - my leg muscles are already less tense.

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by Desiree2006

Well I found out something - the anti-psychotic amisulpride I was taking was causing me mild akathasia and that was adding to my anxiety. I haven't been on it for one night and I m feeling the difference - my leg muscles are already less tense.

good you found that out....that side effect akathisia is awful...

Originally Posted by little turtle

good you found that out....that side effect akathisia is awful...

yes little turtle. I feel more calm today

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

I'm really glad you're feeling a bit better