[Tkb1966]

The word "depression" is a word that is too often used as an adjective for things such as "I'm so depressed we lost the game", "I'm so depressed that I can't find my favorite shirt" or "I'm so depressed I can't go on that trip next week". Depression as I experience it has no catalyst. It comes out of no where. It's almost as if I can see a dark oppressing cloud approaching but it comes on fast. It's weight presses down on me and I feel heavy and in slow motion. Color is leeched out of everything, I only see black, grey and white. Everything looks dead to me or ruined. I have an overwhelming sense of doom. Everything seems catastrophic to me. I have panic attacks during the day and often jumping out of bed in the middle of the night in panic. I feel like I just want to go to sleep and not wake up so I don't have to feel the pain, emotional and physical. During a depression episode I have also experienced audio, visual and tactile hallucinations. I can also be very irritated and have a short fuse. Depression can last days, weeks or months. This is usually not a one time occurrence, it happens again and again. You can't predict it or find a reason why, it just comes on.
I have taken just about every medication there is, anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, anxiety meds. They don't help, they just add side effects on top of the problems I already have. Although many people find relief from them. Be very aware of yourself when taking antidepressants. They can make some people suicidal which was the case for me. I didn't know how suicidal I was and that antidepressants were the cause until after I was no longer taking them. Be aware that Psychiatrist love to keep you on medication even when you tell them how you dont do well at all taking them. They just keep pushing different ones at you. Keeping a medication journal is important so you can have a record of each medication and how you do with it. Then you'll have something to show your psychiatrist. Trust that you know your body and your mind. Therapy is the only thing that has helped for me. It's not an over night success with therapy. No matter how much you wish there was a magic wand to make it all better (I wished many times for that) therapy takes time, patience and work. Finding a therapist you feel comfortable with and you feel they genuinely care that you get better and work to get you there is of course key. Keep looking, they're out there.
I haven't been on this site for who knows how long and am writing this without first going through and reading others posts first so please forgive me. I'm tired and rambling on about things I'm sure all of you know yourself.

[mote.of.soul]

Yes, it's a long bumpy road all right, Tkb1966. I appreciated your share, thanks.

[downandlonely]

Meds have helped me a lot, but I know everyone has different experiences. I'm glad therapy has been helpful for you.