[Winter22]

I'm very sorry for posting...
I just don't know what to do with myself any more.
I think I am confused about what I am and what to do.
I think I should be gone already...

I hate myself...it feels as if I'm acting everyday to keep my family satisfied that I am happy and 'normal'.

I think sometimes I have borderline personality or something. But I'm not sure because no doctor ever tells me what I have or what is wrong...I never ask either but sometimes it bothers me because I don't know.

I sometimes think I have no emotions, that every time I display something like crying or happy it's fake. I also think sometimes I have some anger issues...even writing this out, I feel I could lash out and just start throwing everything and destroying it all. At the same time I don't do anything at all, I just suppress it. Sometimes my mother says something or does something and I can barely contain my anger and I'll just start hitting myself and it's so sudden I think she is scared sometimes but oh well. Sometimes I don't care.

I have nothing to live for. I'm not interested in anything. If I have momentary interests it never lasts for long. I get so bored of everything...I hate it. I don't know why I am here. There is no point to anything at all. I don't even understand why anyone can care about anything.

I guess I also hate that I am so alone here. It takes lots for me to admit it. But I don't like people either, so I'm stuck. I don't socialize at all, except with my family, and I rarely tell them what I am thinking about. I have never had friends growing up and now I'm content to just be by myself all the time. I don't relate to others at all. I feel separated from humanity. I believe no one is even capable of understanding me. I don't know why. I've always felt like this.

I think I am a strange person who is not really here. I can't tell what I am thinking about even half the time. I guess whenever someone asks me. Every time I try to explain something to the doctor or councilor it never comes out right, and it's not how I really feel... I think also maybe I don't feel anything. I can be so detached from myself that I'm not sure if anything about me is real. I don't know if the world is real either. I often think it's fake and everyone is messing with me, trying to stop me from realizing the truth.

I have too many problems I never know where to start. Everything is messy and I don't even care anymore. Of course there's more but I don't even really care. I just have realized for so long that I don't want to be here anymore. But at the same time I am incapable of doing anything to hurt myself...I hesitate over everything.

I'm very sorry for my terrible post. That's all.

[*Laurie*]

Welcome to PC. I think you'll find many people here who understand how you're feeling.

[Yzen]

I hope things get better for you, Winter. Please don't be too hard on yourself. You have nothing to blame yourself for. Trying to make sense of it all isn't easy. You are doing the best you can.

Maybe you can try to find something that you are interested in that will feel real. Sometimes those momentary interests will help you break out of the boredom and bring energy to your life.

[Fuzzybear]

[nightingale77]

Hi there, welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing. Sorry that things have been so hard for your. Have you thought about getting yourself diagnose? Worth considering if you want to have a clearer picture on what you are dealing with, i.e bipolar or depression or anxiety. Keep well and take care. God bless!