[Xyzcba]

It all seems like it is too much.

For the past six months, I have done great with hiding my depression from my family and friends. I’m not exactly sure how it all started. It was once or twice a week where I would feel like this, but now it is a constant state. It has really gotten bad over these past two weeks to the point where I can not hide it. I constantly feel as though I am alone no matter how many people are around me. I always want to sleep because I am nothing when I am asleep. I am neither happy nor sad while asleep, but every time I wake up, I feel worse than I did when I fell asleep. Suicide is heavy on my mind, but I tell myself I would never do it. I know it will get better eventually, and I try to remind myself, but no matter how much I tell myself that, I do not feel as if it will get better.

This is not only effecting me, but everyone around me. My boyfriend says he feels as though he has been dating a body lately. He feels that it’s not me anymore. He says it hurts him to see me this way because all he wants is for me to be happy. He tries to help, but I think I can not talk to him because of how much it would hurt him.

My boyfriend’s mom is the only one who truly knows how I feel. She talks with me and is always there for me when I need her. She says she can see the distance in my eyes that I am not the same person as I was when we first met. She knows exactly what I think. She hates that I feel the way I do. She cries over me because she doesn’t want to lose me, but I tell her I would never intentionally try to kill myself, but sometimes I wonder if what I’m telling her is the truth. She has also gone through depression and takes medicine for it daily. She tries to get me to go to the therapist that helped her, but I refuse. I am only 17, so my parents would have to accompany me. However, I can not ask them for that. They do not know how I feel about any of this. As far as they know, I am perfectly fine. No one else in my family has ever dealt with this, so how could I expect them to understand? I need to know what to do. I am terrified to tell my parents, but my boyfriend’s mom says she can tell it just keeps getting worse.

[mote.of.soul]

Welcome to PC, Xyzcba, and good on you for reaching out as well. Yes, depression is awful all right, but I'm glad you have your boyfriends mom to confide in. She sounds like a good friend. Keep letting her be supportive of you, it's that kind of care that can really make the difference, I believe. Keep using mental health websites as a means of support and encouragement as well, and keep the hope alive inside yourself, you'll get through this eventually.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Xyzcba: Welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support. I know you wrote that your parents don't know what's going on with you & you don't want to burden them with it. But if things are as bad with you as it sounds, you really do need professional mental health treatment. So I hope that you can find a way to reach out, in real life, for the help you need. And, in the meantime, please keep posting here on PC. It can help too. My best wishes to you...

[Fuzzybear]

[marvin_pa]

Originally Posted by Xyzcba

She tries to get me to go to the therapist that helped her, but I refuse. I am only 17, so my parents would have to accompany me. However, I can not ask them for that. They do not know how I feel about any of this. As far as they know, I am perfectly fine. No one else in my family has ever dealt with this, so how could I expect them to understand? I need to know what to do. I am terrified to tell my parents, but my boyfriend’s mom says she can tell it just keeps getting worse.

It may still be worth getting your BF's mom to ask her therapist whether you'd need parental consent, as there seems to be some variation on this, depending on age, locale & interpretation of the laws.
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/faq...-go-to-therapy
Someone in your family might already have an idea what you're going through, as depression can run in families - however, they may not want to bring the subject up for fear of causing embarrassment/upset to you and/or themselves. If anyone begins to broach on the subject with you, don't reject/rebuff it straight away, but let them explain what they're thinking & see how you feel.