[MtnTime2896]

After talking with my T the other day, I reached into my old stockpile of meds and am now taking 10mg Zyprexa twice a day. The only real difference I've been having is my sleep. I'm not normally awake for more than 6-8 hours a day. When I am awake everything is just... wrong. Colors are dull, the lights are incredibly dim and outside just doesn't interest me. Right now, I'm able to tell that this is reality. That can change in minutes. I feel like there's this battle in my head, there always was, but this battle is without mercy.

I was sitting in the rocking chair earlier -- a place I normally only sit when too much is going on -- and I couldn't do anything but stare. 'Adam's Song' was playing on my phone and everything just hit me all at once. I was pretty numb up to that point, but then my mind decided to make me feel everything all at once. It hurt, physically, it hurt like nothing I have felt since I was admitted nearly a year ago.

Possible trigger:

It hit me so hard I began looking for the revolver my family hid from me.

I didn't find it because it's likely back in the safe (they changed the combination for that, too). Everything's just getting to be way too much for me to handle. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I don't know who to trust or what to trust, and in between those moments the despair takes over. I can't keep doing this.

[Wild Coyote]

I am very sorry you continue to suffer.

Please continue to see that your thoughts are deceiving you. Although you are in a lot of pain, there are other ways to get through the pain. Taking your own life is not the healthiest option. You deserve to live... and you deserve time to heal.

Please stay safe. Keep reaching out for help/support.


WC

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

After talking with my T the other day, I reached into my old stockpile of meds and am now taking 10mg Zyprexa twice a day. The only real difference I've been having is my sleep. I'm not normally awake for more than 6-8 hours a day. When I am awake everything is just... wrong. Colors are dull, the lights are incredibly dim and outside just doesn't interest me. Right now, I'm able to tell that this is reality. That can change in minutes. I feel like there's this battle in my head, there always was, but this battle is without mercy.

I was sitting in the rocking chair earlier -- a place I normally only sit when too much is going on -- and I couldn't do anything but stare. 'Adam's Song' was playing on my phone and everything just hit me all at once. I was pretty numb up to that point, but then my mind decided to make me feel everything all at once. It hurt, physically, it hurt like nothing I have felt since I was admitted nearly a year ago.

Possible trigger:

It hit me so hard I began looking for the revolver my family hid from me.

I didn't find it because it's likely back in the safe (they changed the combination for that, too). Everything's just getting to be way too much for me to handle. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I don't know who to trust or what to trust, and in between those moments the despair takes over. I can't keep doing this.

I think zyprexa would help you. But please don't take more than 20mg a day. That's the maximum dosage. Hugs and love.

[MickeyCheeky]

[mote.of.soul]

You can handle it Só leigheas, that's obvious to me. Very difficult, yes, but carry on with a belligerent attitude towards your MI, and you'll get through this, you'll see. Sending out positive energy to you. Please stay strong.