I am having a hard time living reality. I keep living in my own dream world. It's like I have a both positive and negative daydream going through my mind all the time. I keep thinking that I will get the motorbike of my choice even though it's highly unlikely at this point. That I will make friends in college and not be so lonely. But considering the mental status of my parents I don't think it'll ever be a reality; they'll force me to have a government job. I don't want to. I wanted to be a doctor and help people. Now I am left with the option of being a manager or any good job that I can get with a B.Sc degree. It's not bad to have only a B.Sc degree, but if I could I would have been a pharmaceutical scientist instead. I wanted to discover drugs for diseases like ALS, schizophrenia. I have muscle knots in my upper arms and it's one of the reasons why I have a terrible handwriting with terrible inability to draw diagrams.

My parents want me to be successful. They fail to realize just by giving more fodder to a cattle you don't get more amount of milk. They replaced 'more' with 'terribly excessive' and I am left with nothing right with me.
I have infantile trauma -- of every kind -- yet I am still able to write like this, it's amazing, but being born with such genetic makeup alone (I am inbred) would make me unfit to pursue my dream job in the medical field.

I have a terrible memory and also a terrible speech. That means I can never publish articles in a scientific journal. I'd forget what I am writing -- not that I am writing what I am writing, but I'd forget about the research progress, what happened, what should've happened, what's new, or what's a prototype -- and to be realistic, even though I dream of joining the top research institutes, I barely get more than 50+ marks (I barely manage to get a C) A scientist, especially one with the ambition to discover new treatments for nervous disorders, should get at least straight As. It's not possible with the environment I am. Or more accurately, with the brain and nerves I have now. I have nerve damage and as last night I was completing my lab record, I had little tremors that were apparent on the paper. That was of diagrams, I have a terrible handwriting as well, as if my hand is very stiff.

Also, about the title, as I was listening to Sunday Girl's Where is My Mind cover, I noticed her video has 2M+ views but she has only 7K subscribers. I felt bad for her, we are not connected enough.

To make the depression worse for me (sad tunes like those trigger my loneliness, just as profile pictures on YouTube comment section) , I decided to visit her channel and I found out that a user had commented on her channel 7 years ago and that although she is/was an aspiring musician, she could never be successful on the internet. She remained unspoken and unsung. It reminds me of the cruel past where a lot of people go unnoticed... and even in present those who become noticed do not remain worthy to be noticed but their reputation keeps sky rocketing anyway.

I miss Lily. She's one of the people I never met. I have talked to a lot of people online but I never found a way to speak with them in real life (speaking of Facebook, it's excepting my high school friends) and even though I never knew her I miss her. She was a part of the musical world and she gave up (she doesn't post videos anymore)... I wonder why we human beings evolved to such an incredible extent, that we made ourselves higher than other animals, so much that we leave a sad mark in this world when we end our studies, contact or touch, and life eventually. I'll never get it.

I am listening to Pink Floyd's High Hopes now. I am reminded of my high school friends. I am studying for a degree now. (here high school ends as 10th grade, college begins at 11th grade, I am a B.Sc 1st year student) yet I cannot stop thinking about people who once were with me but ended up not giving a damn about me anyway...

It reminds me of Elliot's dream where he wants to reunite with friends long gone. Elliot from Mr.Robot. Anyway, my good friend, thanks for reading this. I don't want this to be overly-lengthy and therefore nobody will read this wall of text.

I am still asking myself, where is my mind?

[Fuzzybear]

I’m asking you the same question... I know Fuzzybear but I’m not so sure about everyone else

Ah; well, yes I am going to be lonely (or at least constantly unstable) forever but I am not sure about the scientist part... oh well, truly, fml.

Edit : I read a comment on some other video of the song Where is my Mind. Here it is.
"getting drunk on a saturday night on the other side of the world... raise a toast to all the lonely people out there... the heartbroken... the suicidal... all those lovely people with such beautiful minds... overly sensitive to the nastiness that is life... raise a glass... for the person that took their life tonight... a regret that you could do nothing for them"

Also, I wonder why I am discriminated against for being broken, disabled, hurt, sad, scared and betrayed among things like lonely and victimized?


I've read that you hate doctors, I wonder why?

[ShadowGX]

"I wonder why I am discriminated against for being broken, disabled, hurt, sad, scared and betrayed among things like lonely and victimized?"

Anything out of the ordinary in human nature is discriminated against. What can we do about it though? I hope more broken people like us get to a place where they can make change happen, like becoming a doctor or politician, so that maybe we'd finally see some compassion in areas we currently see very little. Broken people can do things too, it's just harder for us.

Normal people are boring anyways.

Lol yes as a teenager I know how many of us (yes, "us") verbally abuse each other behind their backs. Everyone calls me a "crazy <hate word here> and I call 'em names behind their backs, in front of every one and the crazy crap just keeps repeating. Almost everyone I've met is normal. So yes, it's the normal teenagers who are the most abusive ones, it's really due to the biological phase I guess. But adults from lower class are permanently stuck in the teenager phase too.

We don't need another place, we just need more understanding and more support. If my parents weren't abusive, I could really have been a doctor. But years of abuse (aside from brain damage and mental health issues) really drained me physically and psychologically. So I can never be a doctor or a scientist now. If I had brain damage and all the mental health issues AND IF my parents had been supportive I could have easily been a doctor. Only if they had let me play with other kids, didn't over drain me, etc. etc.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by ShadowGX

"I wonder why I am discriminated against for being broken, disabled, hurt, sad, scared and betrayed among things like lonely and victimized?"

Anything out of the ordinary in human nature is discriminated against. What can we do about it though? I hope more broken people like us get to a place where they can make change happen, like becoming a doctor or politician, so that maybe we'd finally see some compassion in areas we currently see very little. Broken people can do things too, it's just harder for us.

Normal people are boring anyways.

Good post

I completely agree that normal people are boring

[Thirty shades]

Originally Posted by ShadowGX

"I wonder why I am discriminated against for being broken, disabled, hurt, sad, scared and betrayed among things like lonely and victimized?"

Anything out of the ordinary in human nature is discriminated against. What can we do about it though? I hope more broken people like us get to a place where they can make change happen, like becoming a doctor or politician, so that maybe we'd finally see some compassion in areas we currently see very little. Broken people can do things too, it's just harder for us.

Normal people are boring anyways.

Your words are so true, thank you for your post.