[QuixiHubris]

First: no plans, no danger, just lots of thoughts, trying to think through it practically.

I'm concerned that it's not just that I have anxiety and depression, but maybe I'm not good enough at existing. Like, I could go to a therapist, I could take medication, but I would still be a waste of space. Bad at my job, having panic attacks during phone calls with clients, can't focus on work, can't keep track of all the bills I can't pay because I'm too stupid to budget the little I earn in the best job someone of such little worth could hope to have.

I may not be enough. There are people who say they love me, so I won't kill myself and risk upsetting them. But I worry that it's unethical of me to continue existing. At what point am I too worthless to validate? I'm not actively hurting anyone (that I know of), but my money could go to people who haven't been as lucky as me, and my food could feed better humans, and I'm probably an exhausting presence to be around, so my absence would be a relief for at least a few people in the long run.

I'm scared of going to therapy, wasting my money, and discovering that it's not mental illness. I'm just bad and selfish and dramatic. A mortifying thought that I don't think I could live with.

[Calla lily12]

Please talk to someone....A professional.....You DO matter.

[Skeezyks]

Well... I feel this way about myself a lot of the time. Plus... since most of my life is behind me now, I have the evidence to prove that it's true! But I think it is possible to come to a place where you don't have to be any certain way... to perform at any certain level... to justify your existence. You're simply here in whatever way you're here & it's okay.

Feeling bad, selfish & dramatic can be symptoms of mental health concerns. And mental health concerns can be successfully addressed via a variety of different types of therapies. You won't know if one of the available therapies can help you unless you try. I think it would be worth putting forth the effort to see if it might help you to feel more comfortable with yourself. But there again, you don't have to achieve anything in particular in order to justify your existence. The fact that you're here is enough in-&-of itself.

[Sunflower123]

I don’t have any words of wisdom (Skeezyks is always good) but I wanted to send big virtual hugs your way. You are worth it! You do deserve to exist! Please think about getting some help in whatever form you are comfortable with.

[Thirty shades]

The way you feel is natural when your mental health declines. The fact that you are able to worry about who you are, shows to me, that you are a decent person concerned by your symptoms.

Big hug

Quixi you do matter, many hugs coming your way

[MickeyCheeky]

I can relate to your feelings

[Candy1955]

Me, too, but I get up every day and I try to make one person each day feel better about themselves, even just in a small way. It helps them and it helps me. Maybe try that?

[FoghornsandFlannel]

Are there things you can do or have done in the past that make you feel valued and gives you a sense of purpose?

[QuixiHubris]

Originally Posted by FoghornsandFlannel

Are there things you can do or have done in the past that make you feel valued and gives you a sense of purpose?

Not to be a total downer (I say, typing a response to a thread in a Depression forum), but I'm having trouble valuing any contributions I'm capable of. I suppose I should volunteer somewhere, but I'm also seeking another job to supplement my financial paraplanning/personal assistant one, and studying for several licenses related to that, and am selling my paintings on the side out of desperation. I'm out of time, and not a very good person if I'm not making the time to volunteer somewhere but still manage to squeeze "crying about my trivial life problems to strangers on the internet" into my schedule, which I feel guilty about.

It's just a bunch of excuses. I'm just a greasy sack of garbage who's not even trying to better myself as a person, so perhaps the best contribution I could make would be to turn myself into fertilizer, haha.

Which is a dramatic thing to say, yeesh. I don't know what I'm yammering about.

[Thirty shades]

Originally Posted by QuixiHubris

Not to be a total downer (I say, typing a response to a thread in a Depression forum), but I'm having trouble valuing any contributions I'm capable of. I suppose I should volunteer somewhere, but I'm also seeking another job to supplement my financial paraplanning/personal assistant one, and studying for several licenses related to that, and am selling my paintings on the side out of desperation. I'm out of time, and not a very good person if I'm not making the time to volunteer somewhere but still manage to squeeze "crying about my trivial life problems to strangers on the internet" into my schedule, which I feel guilty about.

It's just a bunch of excuses. I'm just a greasy sack of garbage who's not even trying to better myself as a person, so perhaps the best contribution I could make would be to turn myself into fertilizer, haha.

Which is a dramatic thing to say, yeesh. I don't know what I'm yammering about.

I bet somewhere deep inside yourself there is a good person hiding, defending yourself from all the pain.

You have every right to be here and to be alive. As much as anyone else does.