[bella9542]

I'm a 60 something year old black man and I've been depressed most of my life but I put a lot of energy into hiding, and denying it because I didn't want to be seen as weak. I grew up in a family with both parents along with a older sister and a younger brother. My parents never showed affection towards each other nor did they show affection towards their children. My father showed no emotions about anything, provided for the family and busted our behinds more times than not. Most of the kids I grew up with thought that my father was the meanest person in the neighborhood. As a child and teenager I was called "Big Head" because my body was much smaller than my head and I had crooked teeth that needed braces. In elementary school I had a learning disability but my parents thought that I was lazy and would not be successful in life. In junior high and high school I gained the confidence that I could learn because I wanted to prove to my parents that I could. I became the only child to go to college and graduate. I never saw myself as a good looking person and I had girlfriends but I didn't know how to be totally affectionate. I got married in my freshman year of college because I wanted to prove that I could get a woman to be with me. During my sophomore year I started to mess around with another woman and left my wife while she was pregnant. I married this woman and joined the military in order to provide for my wife and her child. At this time my siblings started to accuse my parents of favoring me more than them, putting me up on a pedestal that they didn't like. When my father died my mother put me in charge of family matters and when she died I was the executor of the estate. My brother ended up going to prison for selling drugs and my sister lived a singe life after the death of her husband. Throughout my life I've been a liar and I did this because I thought it was a way to have people like me or I didn't want to show that I had made mistakes. These lies and cheating led to the divorce from my second wife. I started to realize that I was like my father...not showing any emotions or affection towards my children and my wife then I started to cheat on her. I lived a single life for 4 years but I had to see a therapist during my final years in the military because I was depressed because I didn't get the promotion I thought that I deserved and I was feeling sorry for the pain I had caused others in my life. After 20 years in the military I got a good job with a well know company in California then I meet my 3d wife and it was good at first but then I continued to tell lies and not showing any emotions or affection. My current wife came from a family that shows affection and she needs it but I wasn't doing my job as a husband. In 2016 I accepted a job out of state but my wife didn't go with me because she had a job here and we owed a house. For 2 years I lived in a one bedroom apartment going to work then back to the apartment. I would fly home every 45 days. Towards the end of this job assignment I started to feel isolated but I didn't have to deal with any problems back home. My wife is everything that I've every wanted in a wife but I just can't show the affection she wants and needs and she feels that I only think of myself and not others. We've now been married for 19 years and been through the death of her mother from MS, her depression and 4 years of her daughter being on drugs. I've often thought that I was a bad father because of no emotions but I helped raise 5 children and 2 of them I adopted. I'm trying to figure out the "ROOT" of my depression and how can I overcome this demon.

Wow! That’s quite a story and I really appreciate your openness and honesty. It takes courage to be so open with yourself and with others. I admire that. Welcome to this group and I hope you find it helpful. I don’t have any advice that would help but this is a good group and there might be others here in your same situation. It sounds like you’ve come a long way already. Best of luck to you.

[Thirty shades]

Originally Posted by bella9542

I'm a 60 something year old black man and I've been depressed most of my life but I put a lot of energy into hiding, and denying it because I didn't want to be seen as weak. I grew up in a family with both parents along with a older sister and a younger brother. My parents never showed affection towards each other nor did they show affection towards their children. My father showed no emotions about anything, provided for the family and busted our behinds more times than not. Most of the kids I grew up with thought that my father was the meanest person in the neighborhood. As a child and teenager I was called "Big Head" because my body was much smaller than my head and I had crooked teeth that needed braces. In elementary school I had a learning disability but my parents thought that I was lazy and would not be successful in life. In junior high and high school I gained the confidence that I could learn because I wanted to prove to my parents that I could. I became the only child to go to college and graduate. I never saw myself as a good looking person and I had girlfriends but I didn't know how to be totally affectionate. I got married in my freshman year of college because I wanted to prove that I could get a woman to be with me. During my sophomore year I started to mess around with another woman and left my wife while she was pregnant. I married this woman and joined the military in order to provide for my wife and her child. At this time my siblings started to accuse my parents of favoring me more than them, putting me up on a pedestal that they didn't like. When my father died my mother put me in charge of family matters and when she died I was the executor of the estate. My brother ended up going to prison for selling drugs and my sister lived a singe life after the death of her husband. Throughout my life I've been a liar and I did this because I thought it was a way to have people like me or I didn't want to show that I had made mistakes. These lies and cheating led to the divorce from my second wife. I started to realize that I was like my father...not showing any emotions or affection towards my children and my wife then I started to cheat on her. I lived a single life for 4 years but I had to see a therapist during my final years in the military because I was depressed because I didn't get the promotion I thought that I deserved and I was feeling sorry for the pain I had caused others in my life. After 20 years in the military I got a good job with a well know company in California then I meet my 3d wife and it was good at first but then I continued to tell lies and not showing any emotions or affection. My current wife came from a family that shows affection and she needs it but I wasn't doing my job as a husband. In 2016 I accepted a job out of state but my wife didn't go with me because she had a job here and we owed a house. For 2 years I lived in a one bedroom apartment going to work then back to the apartment. I would fly home every 45 days. Towards the end of this job assignment I started to feel isolated but I didn't have to deal with any problems back home. My wife is everything that I've every wanted in a wife but I just can't show the affection she wants and needs and she feels that I only think of myself and not others. We've now been married for 19 years and been through the death of her mother from MS, her depression and 4 years of her daughter being on drugs. I've often thought that I was a bad father because of no emotions but I helped raise 5 children and 2 of them I adopted. I'm trying to figure out the "ROOT" of my depression and how can I overcome this demon.

Have you heard of this book or read it. I found it very helpful.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA: Amazon.co.uk: Pete Walker: 8601200614091: Books

Pete Walker also has a website

Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy

Best wishes

Originally Posted by bella9542

My parents never showed affection towards each other nor did they show affection towards their children. My father showed no emotions about anything, provided for the family and busted our behinds more times than not. Most of the kids I grew up with thought that my father was the meanest person in the neighborhood.

First of all, welcome aboard. The paragraph above sounds exactly the way it was when I was growing up. That really hit a cord with me. On the last sentence though, it was just the opposite. My father was a "pillar" of the community. People told me how lucky I was to have such a great man as my father. My father was abusive. It took me some time in my life to realize that.

Also, about me, I am 61.